Rebuilding or kidding myself?

[sparklingwater1]

Super long one trying to avoid any drip feed and give as much background/ info as possible. Long time member don’t post very often at all.

I have 2DS from previous marriage now aged 8 and 5. Split from EXH when a few months pregnant with DS2, relationship very amicable with their dad no impact on split from recent relationship. Me and now ExDP were together for 4 years we knew each other from mutual friends so admittedly looking back we moved far too quickly considering kids were involved because we knew a fair bit about each other. I’m the mum so it’s fair to say I jumped the gun so to speak.

ExDP has always been a bit up and down emotionally wise. When he’s great he’s amazing but when he’s low he really struggles (doesn’t leave the house, just sits with this cloud over him). I’ve encouraged him in the past to see a doctor etc but he struggles to admit there’s a problem (think very stereotypical “man” when it comes to emotions). He had a great relationship with DS2 but at times was frayed with DS1. Again in the spirit of being honest DS1 can be pretty challenging and can at times when I say “don’t do....” will look me square in the eye and do whatever I’ve said not to. He gets something taken off him and time out etc and apologises and then it will be a while before another incident like that this happens only at home he’s as good as gold in school. Consequently ExDP used to be quite short with him a lot of the time as could I, but overall I was much more patient, I see his behaviour as a typical 8 year old boy and it was quite a tough environment to be in. I’m a primary teacher so I have much more patience than ExDP in general.

ExDP told me 7 weeks ago that he hated how he was with DS1 and felt he was being really unfair to him and that was impacting on our relationship. He said he felt so awful in himself and needed to leave to benefit everyone. I won’t lie when I say I was devastated but I do notice a difference for the better in the house etc. He left that night to his mums and moved into a rented flat a few days later where he currently stays. House is all in my name.

Over the past 2 weeks me and ExDP have seen each other a fair bit, no one knows and kids aren’t there obviously. Absolutely no sex if that makes a difference we’ve been walks, coffee, watched a film together and have had a couple of nice good bye kisses we haven’t had for ages, nothing more than that. He is now getting help from a GP is taking much better care of himself, is walking/ running every day etc like he did when we first met. He says he’s working a lot on himself and is enjoying spending our time together and enjoying each other’s company again. When I was round to watch a film he spoke about when pubs/ restaurants open about us going for a few drinks and a meal. I said that was a date and we were split up and he asked me what I would call this (sitting round together watching a film) and I said I didn’t know. He didn’t know either.

I’m pretty confused and don’t know if I should just cut all ties or do I see where this goes now he is getting the help he has never followed through with. I do still love him and I’m sure he still loves me. Could the relationship with DS1 improve if the effort was there from both sides or am I being a shocking and selfish mum? Has anyone ever been together, split up and rebuilt their relationship successfully?

Thanks for getting through this! All advice welcome but please be kind if you can.

P.S. typed this up in notes to copy and paste so fonts etc might be off, apologies.

Bump

You haven't mentioned how your 8 year old feels about living with a man who doesn't like him?

I’m not speaking from experience, but I would say, if the will is there on both sides, it could be possible to rebuild. You sound like you’re in an ideal position to do it. You’ve got the house, he’s renting a flat, you don’t NEED to be together unless you want to. The one thing I would say, though, is give it time. At least a year of dating, and a gradual reintroduction into family life. And make sure you’re both really talking, and that you’re completely ready to end it at any moment. I hope that helps, and that someone with experience will be along shortly.

@MazekeenSmith I wouldn't say it wasn't that he didn't like him. They went to football together, played games, built Lego models etc it was just when they clashed...they clashed. As does 8 year old with me, there aren't any massive changes in his behaviour now he isn't here, he still does the same things he did when he was here (completely ignoring things I say at times etc) I hadn't considered it was a "dislike " before

Thanks for the reply @Awomanwalksintoabar

I guess the ball really is in my court so if/ when I see any of the repeat behaviour I can walk away for good I guess.

Don't do it. Much better to build a great shared parenting experience which can be sustained through the highs and lows than risk all the upset of a relationship.

Your son and he are likely to clash again in his teen years. I've seen a friend's husband, who sounds like yours, end up getting physical with his sons. The police were called.

Your ex has a huge amount of work to do to be a good dad. It's great he realises it. Let him keep doing it part time, it's much fairer than expecting him to manage it all in the intensity of 24/7.

I've not expressed myself very well- I'm not trying to give him an easy get out clause, just pointing out that changing himself is a big, meaty task and doing that without a break for you, and his sons, is likely to fail.

And when it fails it's the kids that will suffer most.

@picklemewalnuts

Thank you. That's the response I needed to hear I guess even though it's not what I want right now I know it's for the best. We were supposed to meet for a walk tomorrow, I'll text now and cancel.

Just to point out maybe I wasn't clear ExDP never picked on, singled out or was intentionally rude to DS1. If DS2 acted out (he's much more placid than DS1 and rarely has any bouts of "silliness" if that makes sense) he would be short with him too. I can just handle the times when kids act out better than ExDP can. I came from a very calm household not much shouting etc, ExDP came from the exact opposite so when the kids acted up he would shout, jump the gun to taking something away where as I would go down the route of a chat, a warning then a punishment only if I felt it was necessary and for general "silliness " I didn't think it was, ExDP seen that as me letting them away with things, maybe I am but I just very much pick my battles and if something big does happen then they are under no illusions my thoughts on it and I follow up with a punishment. DS1 just tends to act out and be more "silly" but chatting with the school mums all the boys seems to be like this right now, we think just cause they have been away from their peers/ structure routine that's all.

Also @picklemewalnuts he isn't the boys dad. The boys have a good relationship with their dad and see him every other weekend. So if it's the end it's over for all of us.

I think not living together is for the best, you and your boys can have the parent child relationship, and the DP is more of fun friend who comes by in downtime occasionally. And of course you get to see each other when the kids are with their dad and you have time for yourself. Which is really nice as single parent to have someone to do things with in your solo weekends.

Whether of course the relationship not 'moving forward' into living together again is acceptable to you both is decision for each of your individually really. But there is no reason it cant work in this way if you both want it to and agree that's what you are doing. Personally I prefer the 'boyfriend' set up rather than the 'partner' one. You get your own space and you don't have to compromise on your parenting. But you do both have to be content with the arrangement.

Ah, ok. In that case, there's even less reason to have him around. Sorry to be harsh!
It's actually to ex's benefit to have a fresh start with someone else, to be honest, where he's less likely to fall into old patterns.

Your way of parenting is far better than his, and works for YOUR D.C.

That said, if you can just date for years and are both happy with that then why not? You have time to date while boys are with their dad.

There's no reason to move him in though. I can't see why that would benefit anyone.

That's a key point I think. Who would moving him back in benefit?

Thanks @WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo it is nice to have someone to spend time and do things with you're right I'm just not sure if that's what I want long term yet.

@picklemewalnuts I have zero intention of him moving back in and if this was "rebuilding" then there would be no chance of him moving back in anytime until I was extremely sure he had changed and continued with the help he's getting. The way things are now would be a very long term situation. I don't know if this will continue or not. I honestly appreciate your opinion and you're not being harsh in the slightest. There isn't really a need for him to still be around you're right, we've just really enjoyed the time we've spent by ourselves without the parenting arguments and we are both doing well on our own I guess too which is the big point I should be looking at. I suppose I'm enjoying hanging out (minus the couple of kisses we've had) even as friends. We have loads of things/ interests in common and we chat about everything and anything. He asks about the kids when we're together and texts to see how they have got on at school etc so it's not like he's stopped caring about them.

I've cancelled for tomorrow and said I need some space to get my head straight for the foreseeable and I'll be in touch when I feel a bit better.

What did he say about you cancelling etc?

I think keeping it as friends hanging out is fine if there's no feelings involved, but if there is, it makes everything complicated regarding having a friendship where you spend time together. Then you have to think about the children's feelings should it not work out, but on the flip side it could all turn out great. A real tough one.

Thanks @RLEOM

He text back and apologised if he'd overstepped a mark with the couple of kisses we had, he also said he was really enjoying our time together and would be gutted if it came to an end but he understands it's an unusual situation and has apologised again for how we ended and that he couldn't be what I needed. He asked if he could text a couple of times next week to ask how the kids were and hoped I would let him know but he would respect my decision and wouldn't be in contact till I decided to be with him. I replied saying I'd be in touch on Monday/Wednesday about the kids.

It's just rubbish to be honest, like a previous poster said I want what's best for all of us, including him so if that means cutting contact so he can start a fresh then I want that, I want him to be happy. I honestly think he's a good and decent man. I maybe didn't explain well in my first post but when DS1 had an "issue" I would try to mediate he would tend to go off on one. That's the only time there was no picking on etc they had a lot in common and did lots together. I've read on MUMSnet much worse scenarios to be honest. ExDP realised that he was losing it over silly things and thought it was best to step away so things didn't become worse. He's recognised he has a problem with his patience and the fact he's getting help I really admire and honestly for him it's an amazing move.

I guess he was my best friend as well. I miss him sleeping next to him and waking up with him but miss my friend more. I miss the family days out and the holidays but also our own time we had.

It's only 7 weeks I'm still adjusting and probably reading this all wrong to be honest. I know for us all I should cut contact, it's just so hard. Our days we've had I've really enjoyed but now with the posts I'm not sure if it's rebuilding or just a bit of loneliness on my part and maybe hoping we still have something.

Trust your instincts. I think you’re probably missing the nice things about being with someone rather then actually missing him personally

Thanks @Sunflower1970

I do miss the company but there is things in particular with him I miss. I know it sounds silly to some but I am a very spiritual person I have full moon, new moon rituals etc lots of crystals and routines he embraced and helped me with. I don't want just "anybody" I did a lot of work while in the process of separation from my ex we got counselling together and separately and to be honest I'm ok on my own. I like my own company and I can do it.

But I think I realise I'm keeping in touch for my own reasons rather that any others. It's going to be horrible but best for us both. I've got a cheek to ask for a hand hold but hand holds or Friday night wine/ gin are appreciated this weekend. I just miss him. Break ups are shit eh?!

You said you moved too fast at the beginning. Maybe this time and space might give you breathing space - there does sound a lot of love there to be fair and he does sound like he is trying. Sending hugs x

@sparklingwater1 it sounds promising if you both do decide to go for a reconciliation. However, I wasn't sure why he said he won't contact you unless you're going to be with him. Maybe it's just how you wrote it, but surely you can't make that decision over night? Things need to build like they have been if that's the direction you want to go in.

Don't forget that people don't always change like you hope, but the fact he's trying is a good start.

Sorry @RLEOM haven't been on in a couple of days. I asked him for some space and not to contact me until I contacted him so I could gain some perspective on what were actually doing and if it's for the best for both of us or not. I'm finding it hard and confusing I won't lie but hoping this week will let me get my thoughts together.

Could you consider staying together as a couple but not living together? I had a DS (toddler) from previous relationship when I got together with current DP. They got on well, but I realised I wasn't ready to actually share parenting with someone else. (Bio dad was off the scene completely. ) I wanted to be in charge, albeit with back up from someone I trusted and who cared about DS, for emergencies and also a male role model for DS without all the (potential) stepdad stress.

Hi @emmylousings

I guess that could be a possibility if it was what I wanted but I'm not sure how I would feel about that long term to be honest. A lot to think about and get my head round and then I'll speak to him and see what he's thinking about it all.

Thanks for all the advice, I really do appreciate it.