Concerned my sister may be in a controlling relationship

[StephOD]

My sister is in a relationship that I have a bad gut feeling about. She has been with him for around 7 years but until recently it has been long distance. I do not know what the situation is, but certain things just don't feel right.
She talks about how she knows that 'she pushes him' and that she needs to learn to address that. She also says that 'her behaviours' have made him mistrust her so now she needs to tell him everything. I don't believe she has done anything that would warrant this mistrust but that he's made her feel she's done something wrong and she now has to relay everything to him.
He has also sent me very aggressive and upsetting messages in the past accusing me of manipulation. He has done the same with other members of our family and says that she also says we are being manipulative. I honestly don't know what this is based on but he seems to have a very loose relationship with reality and can come across quite paranoid. She never comments. These messages are peppered with niceties like 'have a lovely Easter', which I find even more disturbing.
I believe he is keen for them to get married and for her to reduce her working hours. Her communication to me and other family has reduced recently. We now live in different countries so it's impossible for me to see her at the moment. I have never said anything negative to him or about him for fear of losing my relationship with her. But I am increasingly worried and I feel at a loss for what I can do, particularly as I don't know anything for sure. Any advice or signposting to resources that might help me understand how to support her would be much appreciated.

I'd be messaging her to tell her i was concerned and that the messages he has sent you are completely deranged and that you think he is batshit. I'd tell her if she needed help then she could always talk to you and signpost her to womens aid. She can take your advice or not.

Fuck pussyfooting around.

Thank you @Wanderlusto, I think you're right. I just need to tell her I'm really worried and why. His ability to twist the simplest of interactions makes me quite anxious though and I think he'll want her to tell him everything we've talked about.

I'm sure he will twist it. But all you can do is let her know what you think and that you love her and will always have her back.

Be really careful what you say about him to her. Be sweetness and light to him. Give him NO excuse to alienate her from you. It’s really difficult because he sounds controlling and sinister but, as far as possible, you want to keep him on side. If he or your sister start to feel there is a conflict of loyalty in her being with him and communicating with you, he will try to alienate you and in fact she will probably choose him and end up more isolated and vulnerable.

There is a book called Helping Her Break Free which is guidance for people who are trying to support friends or loved ones who are in abusive relationships. You might find that useful to read.

Thank you @Dery, you've summed up my fears perfectly. I am really struggling to work out what to say to my sister because of this. I think perhaps less is more, and I need to choose my words very sensitively. Thank you for the recommendation, I'll week it out.

*seek it out

I’d be careful about messaging her as he may monitor her phone and use any concerns expressed as “proof” that she needs to go NC with you.

What you’ve described feel like classic red flags to me - especially that he wants her to cut her working hours. I got involved with a controlling man and it destroyed my career, he “encouraged” me to quit the job I was in as it was very high pressure (but also high reward). It means you are even more dependent on them.

Is there any way you can arrange to chat where you know she will not be with him? Suggest you both take your phones on a walk and facetime each other for a bit of fun?

If you know she is alone then you can say that you’re worried about her, or you can ask if she thinks everything is OK.

Also the simplest thing you can do is stay in touch. He wants to separate your sister from her friends and family. Don’t let this happen.

Thank you @Itwasjustresting. I was hoping to speak to her this week as I know she is not with him but she's messaged to say she is on night shifts and that the weekend is better to call. I've asked where she'll be at the weekend, for the reasons you mention. I need to know he's not with her if I want to say anything about feeling concerned. I'm extremely wary of messaging now and really would prefer to speak to her over the phone as anything I write will be twisted. However mundane. I think he's quite paranoid that everyone is trying to manipulate. Or else it is s very clever technique that has made it impossible for us to express any concerns without looking like we are trying to manipulate. I feel controlled by this and I'm miles away. Its so concerning for her.

I figure he will twist it anyway thats why I would flat out tell her yes, that I absolutely think he is a psycho and dangerous and that I'm scared, no, terrified for her.

He will twist it anyway so there might as well be one voice that is telling her the truth.

She may drop contact with you for a while. He may make her. But just make it clear that you will always have her back even if you dont agree with her choice of partner. That you love her and that no matter what she can always count on you.

Can you get in touch with her through work?

We talked today and it was so good to see her face over a video call. I've decided my priority is going to be maintaining contact and our relationship so she knows I am here. @Dery I have started that book and I think it will be a great help, and challenging at the same time. Thank you.
I got some things off my chest which I hope will help her understand the behaviours that are not healthy, and I did tell her I'm worried. I hope there are no repercussions and that she keeps talking to me. It feels such a complex fragile situation.