Staying away from toxic ex friend

[93sdb]

(I hope this is the right place to put this!)

Fair warning its childish shit and quite long.

I had a very close friend for many years. We met at school and were inseperable for 10 years until about 2 years ago. This is when I realised how bad he was for me and to me. The only thing I can compare it to is a very toxic relationship. He is a gay man and I am a straight woman (dont know if this is relelvent).

When we were friends he used to mock me behind my back constantly, he was narcissistic, had a victims mentality and constantly said nasty things about other people. It became his personality. I could write a book of weird and nasty things he has done. The only things he ever spoke about was how much someone was a bitch or a slut when I knew different . I eventually cut ties when he deleted me off Facebook for being poorly when we went on a night out and left early. I told him I didn't want to be part of his life anymore as he brought nothing positive and left it at that. I haven't spoken to him or about him with anyone as I can't be bothered with the nastiness.

Since then he has contacted my friends to tell them I have fallen out with him, went for a meal with my ex boyfriend (who I have a son to) and tried to bitch to him about it (thankfully me and my ex are good friends). He got his mum to put a nasty status about me on Facebook and has said some really really nasty stuff about me to other people. He's said some awful things about my new partner who he has never met and even said something about my son. He has lied to people and turned them against me. I've not said a word to him in 2 years, tell people I don't want to know about what hes saying yet it continues. Yet he then tries to make contact with me to 'make friends' when I do not want that type of person in my life.

Now my friend has invited my partner and me to a bbq this weekend. She asked my boyfriend as she knew id say no as this person is there. She has also told him I'm coming and he has agreed to be civil...

I DON'T WANT TO GO. My partner has told me to go and ignore him and we can leave early but I don't want to sit for an hour with myself and my partner being judged by this arsehole. Its my friends birthday and I don't want to let her down but I'm scared I will unleash 2 years worth of anger and make a scene. I don't know how to behave... what do I do?! I keep dreaming about it I am so nervous to go 😔😔

If he's done everything you've outlined, I would feel so let down by a friend still being close enough to him that she invited him to her party.

To the point I would be reassessing my friendship with her and wondering why a mate of mine would want to be mates with someone who had bullied and harassed me relentlessly.

Unfortunately if mutual friends are both still seeing both of you then going to any events he might be at will be shit. If you don't go, he can play the whole 'well, I was willing to be civil but she didn't even show up' card and if you do go, you'll spend the whole time feeling shit and looking pretty miserable while he will likely be absolutely fine and loving it, as bullies tend to do.

You can't win. I wouldn't go personally, but as I say that's because I wouldn't have much time for a friend who was also close to someone who had bullied and harassed me.

I'm basing that off your OP as obviously there are two sides to every story, but he sounds like an arsehole and a bully.

Life is too short for this shit. Don't go.

You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why.

Don't go. Life is too short. You might spend the rest of the week stressing about it and an hour or there, fully stressed and on eggshells, then - knowing that no matter your interaction with him, or lack of - you have added fuel to the fire beneath his cauldron of bitchery.

What do you gain from this? Nothing.

Or you say to your friend, happy birthday, enjoy your burnt/raw sausages, then you stay home and hope he gets food poisoning.

You can celebrate your friends's birthday on another night. If she is a good friend, she'll understand.

Literally dont feed him . If you go you know he is not going to be nice so why go ?

Good grief, stop beating yourself up about it (in the nicest possible way!) - he sounds like an absolute bellend and you are under no obligations to him, social or otherwise. Protect yourself and your mental health.

If you don't want to go then don't go.
It's really not worth losing sleep over.
I'd drop off a card and bottle of wine to friend and thank her for the invite but offer meeting up for a coffee some time instead.
If she's a good friend she will understand.
If your boyfriend doesn't understand I'd tell him to go himself, he should be supportive.

I understand how hard this is for you, but I agree with Don't Go. If your friend who is having the party had to get him to "agree to be civil" then I can't understand why they invited him, they obviously know what he's like. Stay away, don't give him the oxygen he wants to upset you more.

Does your mutual friend know the whole picture of how he’s behaved? If not I would use the opportunity to tell her and say that’s why you’re not coming to the BBQ. You have stopped putting yourself into toxic situations with this person and ask that she respects this. He’s probably turning her into a flying monkey.

Don’t go. Not worth it.

That tiktok trend comes to mind. “See that toxic person...we’re walking the other way”

I agree with the above, if you don't want to go then don't go.

However, if you do actually want to go but he is the one that is ruining it for you, then I would say put on a united front with your partner, go and let him see you thriving but ignore him like he wasn't even there.

Noone I dislike or don't get along with would ever hold enough power to stop me from going somewhere if I wanted to. I would just say be wary of the friend whose party it is, this person sounds like a fence sitter if she is still supporting him after how much of a little bitch he has been to you and fence-sitters are usually the worst type of people.

You got this though, do what your instinct is telling you.

@93sdb did you go to the party?

Hiya guys so sorry I couldn't remember my password and didn't find time to sort it out.

Thanks so much for all your replied I did read them. I was really anxious to go but I did. I stayed away from him for the most of the evening until his partner came and spoke very nicely to me. Was a massively cringeworthy affair with him coming up to me and crying and saying he wanted us to be friends again. My partner said we would draw a line under it all and be civil and I was happy with that...

Fast forward a few days and I've heard through the grapevine that after myself and my partner left he had a massive argument with his partner because his partner was nice to me and my boyfriend and they had a fight... its all very childish and stupid and I think I can now add abusive to his list of toxic traits... but I managed to go and not be part of any drama so that's good enough for me! 🙂

Sounds like your partner pressured you to go.

Maybe so - but for the right reasons

Carry on behaving well, it sounds like his poor behaviour will rid him of any friends over time.

Well done @93sdb. While I would agree with not going, the fact that you did and avoided the drama is great. I'm sure you're glad you went and held your head high - you've nothing to be afraid of going to something like this in the future.

A pity for your friend that there was an uncomfortable scene spoiling her birthday party, but maybe she needed to see it for herself.
For all we know, it has previously been "he said, she said" and she wanted to stay friends with both of you (although the Facebook incidents sound pretty damning to me.......)
Now she has seen both of you in your true colours; I wonder how much longer he and his partner will be an item? His behaviour can only be described as self-destructive.

He sounds like he thrives on playing the victim and living the drama.

Sad Twat.

Do not let this person back into your life