What does your marriage look like?

[Nottodaynotanyday]

So, long time poster but name changed as DH knows I use MN.

Married 12 years, together 18. 3 DC under 8. I want to know what marriage after this amount of time looks like and whether the shitty rut that we are stuck in is normal and part of life. If you/ve been in the same boat you got through it or whether this is the end.

DH is an ok dad but not great. He provides financially but isn't hands on and makes sure everyone from his mum to the postman knows if he's so much as changed a nappy or if he drops the DC to childcare or school. He doesn't do any domestic stuff and never cooks or feeds DC or has any involvement with anything in the kitchen. He might unload the dishwasher once a month. Leaves his shit everywhere and treats the family home like a BandB. We both work him FT and me PT so know I have to do more of the housework but I feel he hides away under the cover of work. Whenever I walk past him working he's looking at some crap on youtube or cars or sport or god knows what.

We bicker and fight all day every day and most of the time the sight of him is enough to wind me up. He sulks all the time adnd he can pick a fight over anything. He shouts at DC allot and we have totally different parenting styles. He will comment on eberything I do or don't do, everything I wear. Nice and kind words can never leave his mouth either to me or DC. He is always criticising but says this makes us stronger wtf.

He is miserable and down in the dumps allot of the time and me and DC feel like we have to be extra nice all the time because you never know what mood he'll be in. He is obsessed with buying stuff to make him happy and doesn't find happiness in spending time with us. With friends he always talks about things he's bought and money and other horrible things that I can't stand, its all conversations that make me despise every word that comes out of his mouth at times.

He complains about food that is cooked, if DC are ever awake later than usual, if I want to go to bed early he can fight over that saying I don't want to spend time with him. We have different interests, tastes in music, films and the differences feel huge now. I kinda didn't care in the beginning but now I feel like I am with a stranger. He doesn't like my friends so I hardly speak to them and feel I have to almost hide friendships with some friends so he doesn't go mental.

We don't have an intimate relationship so no hugs or any of that and probably have sex 3 or 4 times a year. It feels horrible when we do and it makes me cringe. He goes on an on about it all the time but in a gross way that makes me feel sick that the last thing I want is him near me.

How do you overcome this? I want to for the sake of my family and all our past together but I just don't like what he has become, basically a miserable old man. Is this just part of long term relationships? Is this low normal and can I get past disliking him so much? Fed up of feeling like everyone else is living their best life and that this is what mine looks like

‘It feels horrible when we do and it makes me cringe’. That right there is the reason to split.
Go get a man that gets your juices flowing and makes you want to ride him like a wild stallion 😉

When you cringe when they touch you it's game over OP. There's no going back from that.

In answer to your question, married nearly 11 years and still get butterflies when he's due home or I'm due home.

The longer you stay with someone you can't stand touching you, you're missing out on finding someone who you can't get enough of.

Sorry man.

I guess you have to ask yourself what are the reasons for staying with him? You've listed all the reasons to leave.....if you don't have any reasons to stay you have your answer surely?

Should also say I'm 10 years in....3 children 5 and under. Today hasn't been a good day and I'm not feeling the love either at the moment

You get a divorce. Release your children from this horrible environment so they don't grow up thinking this is normal and all they can expect from life. Set each other free to meet someone who makes you happy. Become nicer people as a result.

It doesn't matter what my marriage looks like it's all in the past, thank fuck - what's important is that you're not happy in yours

You say you bicker and fight but you also say that you and the children are basically walking on eggshells and you have to almost hide some friendships 'so he doesn't go mental'. You are all dancing to his tune.

You ask how to overcome how unhappy he is making you. If he changed, would that help? If he became a nicer person would you feel more physically attracted to him? The past you value with him is not a reason for things to stay the way they are, the past is gone and it's how things are now that is relevant.

I think you have a choice of talking to him about how many changes you would like him to make to his personality in the hope that you can start liking him again or have a serious think about ending it with him.

You’re right sorry, I didn’t say why I would stay. I don’t think he’s a bad person and he does provide financially. We have worked together to build a nice home and strong relationships with each other’s families. We have built a life together and Even though he is horrible and rubbish in allot of ways but he does care about DC and DC are so young and I don’t want change their world. So cliched, but I love him and care about him but I just don’t like him anymore.

From the sounds of it, your cringy feelings towards your husband is because of the way he behaves day to day, if he is like that all the time your going to feel that way towards him naturally, there's only so much someone can take before you start to resent them as such.
Maybe try sitting down and speaking to your husband and tell him how you feel and ask how he feels in the relationship. Its always worth trying to fix it before walking away as you may one day wonder if it could have worked if you tried.
Everyone goes through patches in their relationships especially if they have been together for a long time.
If your husband was more happier, spent more time with the children etc do you think you would feel the same way about him as you do now?

Try reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. There is a chapter which specifically talks about the feeling of loving someone but not actually liking them which your last post made me think of.

Nottoday all you will do if you stay so unhappy is show your children that's what's normal in relationships. I was in an abusive and controlling marriage for 30 years because I didn't know that wasn't how it was meant to be.

I too had a lot of history and built a life with my ex and I thought when the marriage ended that my world had fallen apart. That feeling didn't last for long and now I see how fucking awful my life was. It's the complete opposite now, I am myself again and am so happy just doing my own thing. All the things I didn't think I would manage on my own aren't all that difficult after all.

It will be very hard to make the change for you because although it's horrible it's kind of comfortable as it's all that you know. You don't have to stay like that. It takes courage but start with small things and it'll come together more easily.

Goodness me, op, I don't know where to start. So, I will just say, if you can't get out for yourself, do it for your children.

"Is this just part of long term relationships?"
No. I've been with dh 21 years - I don't feel as you do but my dh doesn't behave as yours does.

@ProfYaffle

"Is this just part of long term relationships?" No. I've been with dh 21 years - I don't feel as you do but my dh doesn't behave as yours does.

Been with my DH 25 years & nope, I still like him very much. I can go to bed any time I like! He's retired, listened to my lectures about mental load & "gets it".

@ProfYaffle

"Is this just part of long term relationships?" No. I've been with dh 21 years - I don't feel as you do but my dh doesn't behave as yours does.

This.

Don’t get me wrong - it isn’t all moonlight and roses. Sometimes dh is really really irritating. But on a very very basic level - I like him! He makes me laugh. We have fun together.

I have three kids youngest is 9. 10 years ago was a very tough time for our marriage when the kids were all little, I felt much closer to my friends and family than I did to dh.
Things are generally much much better these days and I would say got a lot better once all kids were school age and I was back at work and we had more in common. When I was a sahm and he was the breadwinner it was a constant battle of 'who's life is tougher ' and that's eased off a lot.
Things still aren't perfect (this week we have had lots of rows and he has pissed me off this evening ) but there were a lot of times ten years ago I'd have happily divorced if I hadn't been financially dependent on him but on the whole I'm very glad we stick it out as we are good mates and get on well. I still fancy him too .

I’m sorry OP, he sounds horrid
The arguments, the laziness, he doesn’t like your friends.
This will only get worse for you and dc over the years.
It sounds like a living hell.
You deserve so much better.
If he won’t change, leave.

Jesus op, your post made me so sad.
None of that is OK, yes in long term relationships there are hard times, dry spells, bickering over the kids but you get through it. Your h sounds really mean and financially isn't enough of a reason to stay.
It really doesn't matter what other relationships look like, however if you need to know so you can compare yours, then mine does not ressemble yours.
Married 5 years together 8, no kids together but blended family with his also living with us. Most of them are young adults and I have a dgc so we've had those kinds of challenges to deal with. I've also lost my mum during this time.
We've gone a few months without sex, mostly on me as I've been depressed but he's never hassled me or demanded it, he's just been patient and never let me forget he loves me.
The housework is evenly split as we both work ft and if one of us isn't feeling up to doing it, the other picks up the slack because we are a team.
I sometimes need time out on my own and have a Sunday to myself, I'll go walking for hours but generally we are happy to spend free time together. We both have hobbies (mainly running, exercise related) and we do these separately.
So, that's us. We're not mean to each other because we love and like each other.
It doesn't sound like you love or like your dh.
Don't stay for the kids, it is not down to you solely to fix this.

Oh op. Your reasons for staying are vague, and seemingly rose tinted- when you say you love him, what do you love about him? Because you've been very clear of the many many unlovable features. The only tangible benefit is financial. The children will have a worse life in that home that out. I did, and have never thanked my mother for staying "for me". It was oppressive. Living in misery is no life, and whatever you pretend and think they don't see- they do. Make plans to leave. For your children