Feel so lost

[teelizzy]

DH and I have been together 28 years, married 18 years. He had 2-3 years of horrible stress at work which finally resolved late last year but was hard on our relationship. Our DD1 (15) has had an awful year, in therapy but regularly self harming and very indifferent to school work. DD2 (12) v pre teen, outwardly ok but doesn't really want to talk to me or spend time with me.

I just feel that no one wants my company or cares about how I'm feeling. I feel so lonely. I feel judged harshly for every choice I've made and invisible in my own house.

DD1 has distanced herself from me, won't talk to me about anything much and mostly communicates in monosyllables. She will talk to to DH and he shares with me. He has taken the lead in liaising with CAMHS and others. I forced a discussion two weeks ago, asking her if she was angry with me and she talked about issues going back years - the fact that I worked (part time for 13 years), that I did voluntary work.

DH is anxious about me and anxious about our DDs. He was not easy to live with during the worst period of work stress and I was close to breaking point then. Our DD's issues started soon after that and have continued through lockdown.

I love them all so much but am so very weary of rejection. I honestly think I'd feel less lonely living by myself. I'm trying to put a brave face on it but don't feel like I can cope any more.

Could you have a break on your own. Maybe stay with a relative for a few days?

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at the minute. I really understand the feeling of thinking you'd feel less lonely living on your own.

@KirstenBlest all my family live outside the UK. I haven't really got anywhere to go that wouldn't be construed as a home-breaking move.

But it's a good thought. I've actively suppressed talking about these feelings because they're so destructive.

Thanks @ComeTheFuck0nBridget to you too.

Your home is broken anyway. Where is your family from?

Your DD1 is blaming you for working part-time??? It sounds like you are being made a scapegoat.

Your DH sounds controlling.

You need some headspace.

I just feel that no one wants my company or cares about how I'm feeling. I feel so lonely. I feel judged harshly for every choice I've made and invisible in my own house.

Can certainly relate to this feeling op and I have wondered whether I would actually feel less lonely on my own. I have a teen (similar age to yours) who really vents at me - she has some issues with anxiety and hoping to arrange some sort of therapy very soon. But in the meantime I seem to get the brunt of everything that is wrong in her life. She criticizes me and I end up feeling very small especially as I feel I have made sacrifices for her (I became a sahm, worked again but then had 2 further dc). Some of this is to do with me and the decisions I made which I felt were right at the time but the way I have been left feeling, I honestly don't think being a sahm is necessarily the answer - a compromise of p/t and voluntary work seems a better fit to me. Looking back I've been a bit of a martyr, lacking self worth and struggling with anxiety, for me it was a convenient place to hide but did nothing for 'me' as such.

Also, I have major relationship issues with my husband. This has left me questioning the basis of our marriage (married a long time). No other family for support. My one saving grace is a good friend that I have who I am able to run things past otherwise I think I would have become depressed (I probably am a bit). I am awaiting therapy to talk all this over, to actually say some of this stuff out loud and make sense of what I am feeling. My fear is, I am also perimenopausal so not sure how much of this is down to that - my feeling is sadly, not a lot but there is this element of doubt in my mind.

I know I would benefit from some headspace too. I also have a hobby which I escape with and other interests I want to pursue. I feel like I have definitely become the invisible woman but I've got around to thinking it is time I was kinder to myself.

No advice to give as I think I'm in a similar place. You are not alone. The only thing I've struck upon is being kinder to myself and thinking what it is I would like to do (obviously there are limits for me as I still have young dc).Watching this thread with interest.

Thanks @Dramatic46374 honestly I am not sure advice is what I need rather than solidarity. I'm sorry for your troubles too.

Being peri menopausal doesn't help - at least when I had a cycle I could judge whether something was most likely just hormones!

I'm so sorry you're being made to feel like this - you sound lovely.

During lockdown we got into the habit of going for countryside walks (short drive from our city). We go as a four but also got into the routine of me and DD going on our own and DH and DS going on their own.

We've found that our DCs really talk to us on those paired walks. I think it's the combination of not having to face us directly as you're staring ahead, the rhythm of the walking, the great views and the fresh air. We're all almost addicted to it now.

Could you maybe suggest a nice walk for the four of you on the next nice day and take it from there? We always do a hill walk as it's great exercise, which makes everyone feel really good afterwards and we've had the benefit of losing weight too.

I just wanted to add that I'll always remember a mum at school advising a mutual friend one morning over coffee.

The friend was having some major problems with her family and this mum had been there and come out the other side, and she said "Always remember it's little steps".