Resentment at lack of control in marriage

[Snoopbeef]

I am struggling with my marriage.

I have been married for 10 years to a lovely, funny, popular and caring man. We have a 10 year old and to the world we look happy.

However my husband cannot hold down a job and the lack of control I have over our future is just finishing me.

He is a very intelligent man and a professional but has had 8 jobs across 10 years. When we first met he had a business and he lost this a couple of months after we got married which came as a complete shock to me. We managed to stay in the house by donations from my parents and me continuing in my high pressured career which I always resented as I made it clear that I wanted to spend time being a mum and not working all hours which was usual for my industry. I stayed in this career for a further 8 years (until it came to a natural end for me) trying to keep us in our home whilst my husband passed through a variety of jobs having mountains of time off sick and generally really struggling to stay due to panic attacks and undiagnosed depression.

I tried to be supportive and understanding but the lack of progress in the situation over the years has meant that the resentment has built in me and eventually I had to finish in this career knowing I had really done my best and just in time for me to keep my own mental health in check.

I now do a low paid public sector job which is half what I was on previously. I am happier in this as like I say I feel that I have done my bit in displaying long term resilience, but inevitably got burnt out and now want to make up for lost time with my daughter.

My husband has just gone sick again with stress. He has had weeks and weeks off work with various physical complaints but this time it's stress. He just doesn't seem to realise that this time we will have to give up everything we have worked for - this year's family holiday, my daughter's hobbies, our home. We had just finally started to get back on our feet with again some help from my Mum.

I think he lacks resilience. I have now persuaded him to have counselling for the sake of our family and he has agreed. I also think his default position is quite lazy.

I have been sympathetic and understanding along the way but also have tried to reason with him and explain the consequences of where his problems leave us and that the constant precarious situation we find on is just too much to bear for me and damaging for our daughter (who he loves very much).

I wanted a partner from my marriage - someone to make future plans with and enjoy working towards the future. Instead I feel I have 2 kids and I carry all the worry and have no control.

I am trying to built up my new career hoping for a promotion but the resentment at how hard it is is just so much I don't know how much more I can take.

Just need to get that off my chest in the hope I read it back and it might seem a bit clearer.

Thanks to you all for reading.

Good grief you have my sympathy. Sounds like the key issue is no work ethic. No crime in itself but your resentment is entirely justified and will kill any feeling for him.... once you get the ick there's no going back apparently.
Marriage guidance counselling. It seems fair to take the opportunity to make clear to him what YOUR feelings are, and what's at stake here. Hopefully that process will help you to decide how to proceed.
FWIW it's wholly inappropriate to be relying on repeated handouts from ageing parents IMO and obviously that's not a sustainable plan going forward. But you cannot make someone 'grow up'.

Take a deep breath and give yourself permission to seriously consider divorce.

His issues don't have to be your life constrictions, you can put yourself and child first.

Sometimes the end of a relationship is just inevitable.

What does he actually say when you point out what you and your child are having to sacrifice to pander to his crappy work ethic?
After ten years together there’s not much chance he’s going to change, he’s landed on his feet with you carrying him through life. This relationship seems to be costing you a lot, including years of motherhood to your child. Do you want more children?

He sounds workshy, my DF is like that, and all the responsibility for income was on my DM. I really resented my DF for it,my DM seemed to accept it. I lost a lot of respect for my DF and would no way put up with it from a DP.

I’m a bit confused, how is he going off with all these different mental health problems but still has undiagnosed depression? Is he seeing a GP to be signed off each time? Has he ever received any help for his mental health?

It sounds rubbish and no wonder you are resentful.

The one thing that stuck out to me from your post is that your husband is 'popular' and 'to the world we look happy'. It is so often the case. But at home you and your daughter are dancing to his tune.

Will he talk to you about it or is it all 'woe is me'? Do you tell him how you are feeling?

Is he on anti-depressants? Has he been taking them?

It’s everyone’s own responsibility to look after their own health and to take meds we need to be the best we can be.

I’d be well angry if he was not bothering his arse about taking meds and I and dc were suffering as a result. No mans an island. It takes teamwork.

Has he thought of going for a less stressful job.

How come he's only going to therapy now?? Has he been on antiDs? They can be very useful and life changing for a lot of people.

To be honest I'd be looking to divorce. Fair enough carrying him for a couple of years but 10 years....absolutely not. What about in retirement? Presumably he hasn't built up a decent private pension so you'll be carrying him then too. The "stress" "depression" and "anxiety" to me just smacks of laziness and a can't believe arsed woe is me attitude which he knows he can get away with because you've financially carried the family all these years

Well, it's really a question of whether you've had enough yet. He's not going to change, so it's how long are you going to hang on.

You might be better off ending it before you really hate him.

What was his childhood like? Did he suffer any trauma in earlier life?

I’ve always had a hard time holding down a job or doing anything that means I’m tied in (if that makes sense) I feel a complete sense of panic and suffocation when I’m in employment and the feeling is so overwhelming my fight or flight syndrome kicks in and more often than not, flight wins. I can’t afford therapy but over the years I’ve realised it stems from a turbulent childhood where I was also a young carer, and then subsequently a horribly abusive and very coercive relationship.

I’m not defending your husband and you have every right to expect him to provide for you and your DC. I’m just giving an alternative view on why he might be like this, would he have therapy? Would a job role that’s very low responsibility help? Whilst not ideal at least it’s regular income?

Thanks group for your really lovely and helpful messages.

Has never been clinically diagnosed with depression but currently undergoing treatment for underactive thyroid (depression being a symptom). Does not want to take antidepressants under any circumstances.

Bananalancake re taking a less stressful job we would have to move for this and my gut says even with a less stressful job this will keep happenning as it's a resilience problem. I can't put my daughter through 2 big housemoves if I then have to leave him.

Have explained just now how absolutely wretched I feel. He says he can see that and can understand my point of view. The counsellor is helping him with some tips to wind down with stress and he thinks he can do something with this. He says he is going to go back to his job.

I think this really is the last chance. I want to get my daughter into high school in September and it doesn't work out it's the right time at the end of the year for us to part.

Very sad. But it really is helping now I've said/written this outloud.

Mumsnet is really great for this. Thanks again. x

FGS, divorce him now. Your marriage has been a prison sentence, not a partnership.