How to deal with passive aggressive, self centred DM?!

[norainnoflowers1]

I'm having real trouble trying to have an enjoyable relationship with my DM...

I have a 6 month old DD who she absolutely adores, my DM takes care of her once a week for me so I can catch up on household chores / food shopping etc. She also facetimes everyday to ask how DD is - this is another overwhelming factor that makes my life difficult because DM gets the hump with me if we miss a day because I'm otherwise engaged.

I'm also expecting again and have been really struggling with sickness / tiredness on top of caring for a 6 month old. Not once has she asked how I am, on our numerous phone calls each week. I always initiate the conversation and ask how she is etc. She has no idea how much I've struggled with sickness because she simply doesn't really give a hoot about me, she is only interested in DD.

Anyway, this weekend since we've been allowed to meet up outdoors with other people we've seen my DP's DM and his step dad, for the first time since October 2020. Obviously his DM hasn't had the same contact with our DD due to her not being able to see us properly, so to be expected DD isn't too comfortable around her. I also met up with my friend who again I haven't seen properly since last year. I was made to feel so guilty for doing this!!! The passive aggressive comments were just ridiculous. Also this weekend it was our contact weekend with DP's DD (my step DD, not sure on correct abbreviation!) so we tend to be a bit busy these weekends and try to do fun things with the DD's.

My DM had my DD for a full day on Friday, as normal so it's not like she missed having her this week. Yet I'm being made to feel so guilty for seeing other family and my friend. This morning I sent a photo of DD to my DM of her wearing a tshirt that my DM got her for Easter and her reply was 'lovely, I might get to see it in person one day hey'

This is just a few examples of how she makes me feel but I have a constant anxious feeling at the pit of my stomach because of the way she makes comments. I lie about things I'm doing to avoid her saying 'well why didn't you invite me' if I nip to the supermarket as an example.

Yesterday me, DP and DD went for a walk around the local area, had fish and chips and generally had a lovely day. Yet I can't feel I can share this info with my DM for fear that she is going to be mad that we didn't spend our day doing something with her or inviting her over.

It's all becoming very tedious and DP has commented numerous times on how anxious I am around DM. She cannot take a joke and always takes things I say the wrong way.

For context, growing up I had an awful relationship with her and she will always refer to me as being a horrible teen / child / young adult. The truth is, I was only the way I was because of the things she did and said.

How can I manage these situations so that they don't leave me feeling on edge?

Toxic parents more often than not become toxic as grandparents too. Your mother has not really changed at all since you were a child.

Employ different childcare asap; your mother is not emotionally safe enough for your child, let alone you as her daughter. Along with doing this you need to start reducing all levels of interaction with her over a period of time.

Do also read and consider posting on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages; I think you could indeed relate to much of that thread contents.

Where are your boundaries at with regards to your mother?. My guess is that they are pretty much non existent because she has conditioned you to put her first and foremost with your needs dead last. You have more power than you think here; start taking that back and reclaim your life.

You do not mention your dad at all here; is he still in your life?.

What is your mother teaching your DD here?. Over time she could well mould her to be the golden child beholden to her and at the same time using her to get back at you. Its not at all healthy and she could well be obsessive. My guess also is that she may well go onto ignore your second child and continue to favour your eldest thus affecting the relationship between siblings.

You would not likely tolerate having a passive aggressive friend in your life, your mother is no different. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could also help you here along with dealing properly with your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt; she installed those particular buttons).

Don't JADE : justify, argue, defend, explain. Why should you.
Given that your relationship isn't brilliant harmonious daily contact is wholly unrealistic.
Perhaps life is particularly difficult for her with lockdown etc but ultimately you do not owe her a social life.
State your boundaries and stick to them. Eg we are busy today I'll FaceTime you tomorrow.

Nothing useful to add really but have a very similar DM. Your points about having to hide what you’ve been up really rang a bell and made me remember doing the same.

I’m now NC with my DM as things got worse as my children got a bit older and other stuff happened. I’m pretty sad about it but overall I think it’s for the best.

Listen to Attila as she always provides awesome advice. It’s not always easy to accept but it’s usually spot on. What really helped me was therapy....

Imo giving people unsupervised time with your dc gives them 'rights' in their mind... Beware op, your life is going to only get busier when you have 3 dc to deal with. Dealing with an overgrown stroppy teenager ( dm) is a step too far... Make her time with dd time with you also. Or you will be splitting yourself way too thin trying (and definitely failing) at keeping her happy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for making me realise this. What you've said has really hit the nail on the head. In reality I always said when I left home and had a family of my own I'd never speak to her again. Unfortunately as you mention, it's the pushing of boundaries that have caused me to be in this position.

@GuessWho57

Nothing useful to add really but have a very similar DM. Your points about having to hide what you’ve been up really rang a bell and made me remember doing the same.

I’m now NC with my DM as things got worse as my children got a bit older and other stuff happened. I’m pretty sad about it but overall I think it’s for the best.

Listen to Attila as she always provides awesome advice. It’s not always easy to accept but it’s usually spot on. What really helped me was therapy....

Sorry to hear you've been through this too, it can be really tough can't it?

@tobedtoMNandfart

Don't JADE : justify, argue, defend, explain. Why should you. Given that your relationship isn't brilliant harmonious daily contact is wholly unrealistic. Perhaps life is particularly difficult for her with lockdown etc but ultimately you do not owe her a social life. State your boundaries and stick to them. Eg we are busy today I'll FaceTime you tomorrow.

Definitely more difficult with lock down, it was almost as if she was blaming me for not being able to see her last year

My DF is still in the picture and still married to my DM, unfortunately their relationship isn't exactly a bed of Roses and my mum speaks horribly to him. It makes any social outing incredibly awkward and normally ends in the pair of them arguing.

Just last summer when restaurants re opened we all went out for Sunday dinner, as we got out the car they began to bicker and I said 'oh please don't start arguing already we've just got here' this then followed an absolutely awkward dinner and the atmosphere was dreadful. My mum was just making sniping comments at anything any of us said and it was just awful. A few hours after we'd all got home she text me to say that it was my fault they had argued and I shouldn't treat them like children they are allowed to communicate and I ruined the afternoon for them...

She's a narcissist.

My D MIL is like this - I know it’s not exactly the same as she is not my DM - but honestly from experience I wouldn’t have her looking after my children - pay someone else - anything - as she’ll always make you beholden to that - and make out you “need” her help. Then speak to her once a week instead of daily as that’s just ridiculous. Be unavailable every.single.day except for one day a week. Then once your new baby arrives speak every 2 weeks. Good luck. It was difficult placing boundaries with dmil, but for your own mental health and that of your children it’s totally worth it.

Your mother was emotionally abusive to you growing up.

She continues to be a difficult and toxic character towards you and others.

This is who she is emotionally inadequate and deficient.

Why would you pollute your children’s lives with such a person.

Her presence and involvement is seriously compromising and tarnishing your motherhood.

You have a tougher road to travel because you do not have a good blueprint from childhood - and worse she is still in your relationship life sabotaging your self esteem.

Your DC deserve a Mum - confident happy and fulfilled- not one preoccupied, anxious and aggitated by a bully. They will absorb your stress and it will make them anxious.

Only ever surround yourself with radiant emotionally healthy people so that you can be the best mother, wife, friend etc.

Fade your mother out she doesn’t deserve you and your DC deserve better.