Mid-marriage woes?

[Crossroads99]

I'd really appreciate some perspective on this so will try to keep it brief.

DH and I are both mid-50s, been married 20 years and have 2 dc. We have been through huge amounts of emotional, legal, family and financial turmoil - it would take up pages of MN to explain, so I'll skip most of it.

But anyway, the crux of the matter is that our relationship is not what it once was, with both of us blaming each other for what is happening. He says I'm controlling and belittle him to the point he says he has contemplated suicide. He feels that he and dc are not allowed opinions of their own.

I am so saddened, shocked and hurt by this, especially as I feel that I live for my family and always strive to make our lives better together.

My feelings are that he blows up at the smallest annoyance and that I constantly tread on eggshells trying not to provoke him.
Yes, there are things that I find annoying, like his inability to make the smallest decision without checking with me. Eg the perpetual what's for dinner question....After to-ing and fro-img with, you choose, you choose, you choose, I'm told I'm a bully when we go with my choice.

So this morning's drama was so mundane yet so bizarre. He was making toast for dd and I told him she wanted jam. He said I gave him 'a look' which made him feel he'd done it wrong and I was criticising him. I know this sounds ridiculous. He then he went into a tirade of how I spoiled his day, how I'm always belittling him and how he feels he can't do anything right....

He blames the menopause for me being boring, anxious and unloving. I can hardly remember the last time we hugged or had sex (which used to be great btw). But apparently it's all my fault.
We have come out of yet another very trying time which I know hasn't helped, and we also have a very time consuming business which also takes it toll.

I am totally not giving up with my marriage, but feel we are stuck in a horrible half-way house with a lot of resentment on both sides.
Does anyone have any advice how to work through this kind of mid-marriage crisis? Counselling?

@Anothernick

Sounds like he could be depressed. Constant sniping at you about minor things is a sign, but as others have said it is also a sign of sexual frustration. If I find myself tempted to niggle about minor things with my DW it's a sign that I need to initiate.

As other have said, you shouldn't make major changes to your sex life without discussing them and explaining your reasons to your OH. Obviously you should not feel pressured into doing anything you are not comfortable with but imposing a major change for no obvious reason (as your DP would see it) is bound to lead to frustration.

She doesn't need to discuss or explain why she doesn't want to have sex with other people 'I don't want to have sex with other people' is literally the extent of the explanation she owes anyone

I knew before you mentioned stopping swinging that he was resentful of you for something and it's obvious that's what is at the root of his behaviour towards you. So that's what any conversations need to be about, everything else is more a symptom than the cause of your issues.