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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh throwing things away - am I overreacting?

10 replies

Wakingup55643 · 06/04/2021 12:40

Dh sometimes goes through phases of tidying up old stuff and throwing it away, doesn't ask if it's anything we need to keep, he just does it, mostly paperwork etc. Background to things - been unhappy for ages, no husband wife relationship for years, I've told him how I feel, he seems content to rumble along. I'm at the point where I want to end things, he doesn't see that there's any problem apart from me being miserable all the time.
I noticed he was moving some stuff from the toys area in the living room, fair enough it needed tidying. But I could see that ds9's homemade cardboard castle was missing so I asked where he'd put it. He said bluntly, "Gone." I looked at him for a few seconds and he could see I was upset, and he just said, "it's been there months, nobody was using it, and I need the space." Then he went on to excitedly show me a chair he was buying online to go in the space and I just had to walk away, I was furious. So then he followed me upstairs to ask why I was 'acting upset' and I just said very calmly that he shouldn't have thrown it out and that I don't throw his stuff away. He said, "yes you do, you threw the box of hair dye away, that cost me 7 quid!" Yes I was cleaning the bathroom a while ago and got rid of some hair dye which had been lying around for at least a couple of years. He then said, "he can just make another one if you're that bothered." Well yes I am bothered! He made it for a competition at school and he was really proud of it. Dh just could not see that the two do not compare, but I'm really upset about it. His film and music stuff lies around taking up space, and I wouldn't dream of throwing any of it out. Am I overreacting? Clearly dh thinks I am. He's been trying to show me chairs (the one he wanted got sold, so all this was for nothing anyway) but I'm not interested, so now I'm getting told off for being miserable. Again. Am I wrong here???

OP posts:
lljkk · 06/04/2021 12:49

no specific comment, but is a common problem with couples who live with each other.

PriestessofPing · 06/04/2021 12:51

I think no one should be throwing away anything if it does not belong to them. But i agree that throwing out an old box dye is nothing like throwing out a project your son worked on! How does your son feel about the castle being chucked?

category12 · 06/04/2021 12:55

If you're done with the relationship, what's holding you back from acting on it?

ravenmum · 06/04/2021 12:56

If it was just about the castle, then it would be a bit OTT for you to have to leave the room and then pout about his chair.

If you want to go, then go. Then you won't have to have fights about minor issues that are clearly not the real problem.

Shoxfordian · 06/04/2021 13:12

If you’re done with the relationship then take the steps you need and divorce him

Gringlewald · 06/04/2021 13:13

You aren’t overreacting. It’s about respect. He will have been well aware how you might feel about him disposing of the castle and he’s concluded that his wants (to have an uncluttered space) outweigh yours/the kids’. That respect needs to be reinstated as it’s the bedrock of a relationship. Without it bigger issues will arise and things will start to unravel

gannett · 06/04/2021 13:22

Background to things - been unhappy for ages, no husband wife relationship for years, I've told him how I feel, he seems content to rumble along. I'm at the point where I want to end things, he doesn't see that there's any problem apart from me being miserable all the time.

OP this isn't the background, this IS the main problem.

The throwing things away is a symptom. In a healthier relationship it's a minor annoyance. In yours it's the last straw.

Wakingup55643 · 06/04/2021 13:50

@PriestessofPing He hasn't said anything about it - either he hasn't noticed it's gone, or more likely he has noticed but doesn't want to upset his dad by saying anything about it. It's hard to describe, but my kids are very natural with me, and stiff with their dad, they never want to bother him with anything.

@category12 the usual - kids and house. I know that's a cop-out, but that's the reason.

@gannett I did feel very 'last straw'-y about it when it happened. I just feel that because it might not exactly have been the end of the world in terms of things he could have done, it's one more thing that makes me really dislike him and churns me up inside so much I feel sick, but it feels like I'm turning it into a marriage-ending incident, which to him seems crazy.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/04/2021 14:22

He can't see it through the "shit marriage" filter you have that magnifies it by a factor of a million; all he sees is the relatively minor sin of throwing away a child's old school project. Of course he thinks it's crazy.

frozendaisy · 06/04/2021 18:51

No husband and wife relationship for years?

Does he not see this as well?

If you want to stay in a house and marriage where the kids act stiff around their dad and you are miserable that is your decision but really don't you want to change things if you aren't going to leave?

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