AIBU to have called him out

[Peace43]

Been together coming up to 2 years. Don’t live together. I have a DD aged 10 and his kids are much older. I’ve not met them or his family. He’s met mine.

He is really stressed and has been for months now. It’s taken over our time together completely. He’s distracted, on edge and his libido has tanked. The stresses are real but in some cases self inflicted (he has chosen to take on the stuff that is stressing him but wasn’t aware it would be this difficult or expensive).

This weekend I had my kid so wasn’t expecting to see OH until Monday when I’d said I’d make dinner. He did pop by unannounced twice but not at my urging. 4 o’clock yesterday he came for the dinner I’d made, watched a film and when my daughter went off for her sleepover at a friends I jumped him hoping for a bit of adult time. We did as adults do and 5 minutes after he’s back on his phone stressing. I made us a cuppa and eventually fetched my phone thinking he just needed 20 minutes to get stuff done. He got up for a wee, returned fully dressed and said he needed to get home and do stuff and pretty much ran out of the door. I then went downstairs and did all the cleaning up from dinner.

We’ve got plans to go away (Wales so allowed) this weekend but he doesn’t exactly seem enthusiastic and when I offered to go with just my DD instead he said my nagging at him was just stressing him out more.

We’ve had a few talks recently about my missing intimacy.

Anyway I told him leaving like that was a dick move and that being grumpy at me for just wanting confirmation that he really does want to go away for the weekend was unfair. I am annoyed and I feel unloved and unappreciated.

Am I being unfair?

In answer to your question no you are not being unfair at all.

How is it though that he has met your child and family but you've never met any of his family?. Do they actually know of your existence and why has he kept you away from them?.

I would start thinking long and hard if you have not already whether this is a relationship you at all want to be in. What are you getting out of this exactly?. You are letting yourself be so used here. What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. This is patently no model to be at all showing her.

He sounds like a drain to be honest! Are you really that keen on carrying this on? Lockdowns almost over and there’s plenty of guys out there. This one doesn’t seem worth it?

Hi Op, you are not being unfair. I know how it feels as had similar situation but I made a mistake and kept my mouth shut as I was blaming pandemic. In the end he left me...heart broken...Don't be me. Try to resolve but never "forget" your needs.

No you're not. He's just using you. It's all take and no give as far as he's concerned. LTB.

I like him but I am starting to wonder whether this is just too much like hard work. I want to have fun. I want to make plans and look forward to stuff. It feels a bit selfish to say that his life is just too full of stressy stuff to have room for me.

To be fair he has done plenty of nice things for me, is kind and trustworthy and a really decent guy.

He has good reasons not to introduce me to the fam and that doesn’t really bother me. My DD doesn’t see the frustration I feel.

So he came round, had dinner cooked for him and got a shag then left again? Didn't even help wash up or anything?

So he came round, had dinner cooked for him and got a shag then left again? Didn't even help wash up or anything?

It does sound like hard work. Are you actually getting much out of this at all? Rescind the invite for the weekend, go away and have a lovely time with your daughter and let him have a long hard think about whether he is going to make an effort to be part of your life in a loving, kind way.

Stress is something everyone feels. It doesn't give you a pass to act like a dick to someone you say you love.

I’m quite sure he’d say he made time to see me on his very busy weekend in preference even to his family.

This isn’t working is it? It doesn’t matter whether I got the only bit of “free” time available. What matters is that he is so busy and stressed and buried in his stuff that there is no time left for me to get what I need from this relationship. He had a big deadline this weekend which he met (and I did some bits to help where I could these last few weeks) and I thought it would be ok after. However all this has done is given him a whole load of new stuff to stress about and I think he was worse yesterday than he has been. I thought the end of lockdown would mean meals out and day trips but I think it’s dawned on me that that isn’t going to be the plan - or the fun stuff will be shoe horned in between the stress. It’s a bit sad because the potential is there but I’m at that point in my life where I just want a fun and easy life.

Are you sure he's actually single?

Call it a day if it isn't meeting your needs. Just go on the weekend with your dd, it sounds like he'd be a fun sponge anyway.

Sounds like a fwb without much benefit..
Leave him to his stressful life. It doesn't have to be your life..