Financial Separation Rights, leaving bully husband.

[Manga38]

Hello Mums,
I have finally decided I cannot stay with my husband anymore. He is emotionally and mentally abusive and I need to find the strength to do this. I will not go into examples as I would be here all day! My questions and worries lie with how I will cope financially. He is on a stupid amount of money/ year, and he bullied me into giving up my career to be the 'primary carer' of the children. My job now does not pay a lot, but I am currently studying for a degree so I can get a job that earns more, and I can support the children.

So, what rights does a mum have when it comes to it being financially fair to everybody?
When we separate, my kids and I may have to move to a small flat, and not have the life they were accustomed to. It's not fair on them. They may feel resentful towards me because they will see me as the bad guy. When they visit their dad he will have a huge house and he will be able to spoil them with anything they could dream of (and he will, to cause complications, he already does it now!) I don't know if the system takes into account that the wife has supported the husband throughout his life, so he is able to earn the money he does
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you.xxxxxxxxxx

You’ll need to understand all assets and agree a fair settlement
If he’s on a ‘stupid’ amount of money you may also be entitled to spousal maintenance ( even if for an interim period)

What assets are there, how old are the children ?

The system does recognise sahp contribution to the marriage

How long have you been married?

What was the career you gave up and when?

The start point is 50:50 of all assets and you may be able to argue for more as you gave up your job to be sahm.

I would strongly advice going to see a solicitor. You can likely arrange to help pay the bill from the financial settlement if access to money is an immediate concern for you.

So, what rights does a mum have when it comes to it being financially fair to everybody?

He won't play fair towards you and will not do so anyway because he is abusive towards you and in turn your children. He will also likely make it as difficult as possible for you to separate from him and will indeed want to "punish" you for leaving him. He will never accept any wrong doings.

"When we separate, my kids and I may have to move to a small flat, and not have the life they were accustomed to".

It may well be that you would not have to leave the marital home but you absolutely do need to seek legal advice from a Solicitor and as soon as possible. I would also suggest you contact the Rights of Women and Womens Aid; both can and will help you and the former can also give some legal advice.

Better also to be apart and happier than for you all to be further subjected to this abusive man day to day. Your children do not so much need material trappings as a mother free from being abused. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Remember that always and do not enter into mediation with him. Its never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Thank you for the advice. We have been married for 15 years. I was a manager in a large company, and he was still an engineer. I stepped down, and he did a degree and master's and is very high up now in his company. I didn't see him for years as he would stay at work to study so he could get his academia.

I understand the 50/50 of everything when separating, but it is going to be me who has to organize everything to be able to sell the house so he can get 50%. I know he will not make it easy for me. I also do not have any desire for material things, I just don't want the kids to lose out. He would dangle the maintenance over me like a carrot, and make it very difficult every step of the way. I thought if there was a legal right somewhere that entitles the kids to something more, in relation to his earnings, then I may be able to stay in the family home, just so it eases the stress for the kids in the interim. Any financial support from him would be solely to keep a roof over the kid's heads, in an area I could never afford on my own, so they could stay in the same school and be with their friends.
He is abusive to me, but I am trying to be practical and black and white about the situation, I want to be prepared with legal advice when I finally tell him that I want to separate. Otherwise, he will make it as messy and ugly as he possibly can. He already taunts me about leaving me, and laughing that I'll have to live in a bedsit, that I can't possibly live without him or his money, he carries me, etc. (He's very snobby about status) I want to show him that his money would be for the kids, not me. I would finally be free, but penniless!!

You need to take legal advice based on your own, unique circumstances - you can go and see a lawyer and not take it any further at this point, but you can absolutely have a 'what if' conversation with them.

I would say that staying in the family home isn't the be all and end all. It would probably be better for you overall to reach a full and final settlement so you can have a fresh start. If he's going to be a dick over maintenance you don't want the worry of not knowing if you can make the mortgage payment that month!

What I would say is to start gathering information and start saving as much money as you can so you have a cushion.

It won't be 50/50 unless the children's time is split 50/50. The court will recognise you need to provide a home for them. But you need to know what to ask for so you need proper advice.

"He is abusive to me, but I am trying to be practical and black and white about the situation, I want to be prepared with legal advice when I finally tell him that I want to separate".

By being abusive to you, he is in turn being abusive towards his children too. They likely know far more than perhaps either of you care to realise. Their house is certainly not the sanctuary it should be for them.

You absolutely need to see a Solicitor and asap to discuss all this with them beforehand. After all knowledge here is power.

"Otherwise, he will make it as messy and ugly as he possibly can".

That is already happening now; he is already taunting you within this house. Separation won't make him behave any differently here. He may well demand 50% but that may be demanded as a way of avoiding maintenance and a way to get back at you as "punishment" for you leaving him, he who sees himself as the most perfect of specimens.

Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

You need a solicitor.

Don’t trust your husband an inch, he is not your friend.

but I am currently studying for a degree so I can get a job that earns more, and I can support the children.

Your situation is quite complicated-you need to engage a solicitor. How much of your degree have you got left? Can you work and afford bills/housing costs whilst still doing a degree?

Most people I know who have got divorced recently have sold the family home, split the proceeds and each bought a smaller separate property. Could you afford this whilst studying?

Howshouldibehave,
I have 2 years left of my degree, I have worked out how much I can afford to live, but would definitely need support. I had thought that I could sell the house and follow what most people do, but whilst waiting for the house to sell, would he still pay the mortgage? I would have to live with him in the house which wouldn't be nice as he would now know we are separating.
I will try to find a solicitor that does a free consultation? See where I would stand with things.

How much does he earn ?

Don't go for a free consultation, ask around and go to the best lawyer in your area. Pay for it, it will be worth it. And you can bet that your husband will do the same so get in first - if they've already engaged with you, they can't represent him.

My husband sounds similar to yours and I should have divorced him years ago but I thought I was putting the children first by staying. I now realise that I have done them a huge disservice and after 30 years of marriage and 34 years of being together I have finally filed for divorce (2 weeks ago). I have no idea what will happen next - I still have 2 teenagers living at home - but I am determined that even if it goes to court I am going to be a free woman and my children will be happier.
If there is a large discrepancy in income you can ask for costs to be paid by your husband. Good luck

I went through a divorce with a high earner and ended up with bigger share of assets from family home to rehouse myself and my DD, 50% pension share (wasn't 50% in reality as he manipulated the IFA report) plus lifetime spousal maintenance which was eventually capitalised as more pension share when he took me back to court a few years later. Settlements are based on needs in England but that doesn't mean you downsizing to a tiny flat whilst he lives in a mansion. If there are assets available, they are shared and don't forget pensions which can be substantial and used to offset other assets.

Best thing I ever did was to engage a direct access barrister to look at marital assets, pensions and respective earning capacities. Gave me a pretty good indication of outcome if it goes to final hearing and judgment in court. Something solid to negotiate with your stbexh. Solicitors fees rack up very quickly and in my experienceyou waste a lot ofmoneyonunnecessaryadmin. An idea of potential outcome may also allay all those fears that go through your head when you divorce. Knowledge is power and protects you against all the bullshit they come out with to scare you into submission. Good luck.

Of money on unnecessary admin...!

@Manga38 I am in a very similar situation at the moment. It's giving me such anxiety. Do you mind updating, what happened in the end financially? I hope things are now better for you.

Don’t tell him a damn thing until you have copies of all bank statements, pensions (his), credit cards, loans, mortgages, payslips, etc. Take it all to a solicitor (or two) and seek advice. Get yourself set up with a place to go to if you can and preferably get the solicitors to send a letter once you have left. Can you perhaps work around him going away somewhere?

@Abcdefg1234567abcdefg

I went through divorce with someone similar to OP’s H recently. PM me if you want to talk. Maybe I can help.