Patronizing Husband

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

Hi all
AIBU to think this is a deal breaker??
Husband works very hard, doing two jobs, me also doing two jobs, one building our business and two, looking after everything in the home, food shopping, cooking, nurturing 2 kids doing exams/home schooled,, cars, house repairs, house improvements, social get togethers (where allowed) etc etc.
He is very patronizing as in tonight You on mumsnet again and WE need to plan the year (=me) breaks/hols Covid permitting.
I've told him that he's frequently patronizing and that I don't like it, it makes me sad and angry.
He now says it's how it is if he works two jobs.
He doesn't realise the more he does outside the home, the more I have to do inside the home.
He has 3 hobbies a week and I have no time for even one.
I can put up with a lot but is a patronizing, sneering husband a deal breaker for you or would you put up with it as the price you pay for a comfortable lifestyle?
I really don't think I can do all I have and my payback is this. How would you turn this round?

I wouldn't live with anyone who sneered at me. I like the people I live with to actually like me - not feel contempt.

A patronising, sneering husband sounds like the epitome of an uncomfortable lifestyle to me.

He is contemptuous. It can never be a comfortable life, living with someone like that.

I bet he wouldn't dare be sneering to friends and colleagues. Either way he looks down on you and doesn't appreciate you so yeah, deal-breaker. Life is too short and precious.

When your spouse treats you with contempt, the marriage is over.

It would be over if it was my marriage, sorry, sounds like he genuinely means it and I couldn't get over that.

Working 2 jobs doesn’t excuse shitty behaviour. Perhaps a free pass for being abrupt on the odd occassion but there’s no excuse to be patronising and sneering. The fact you’ve explained how it hurts you and he uses a bullshit excuse means there is no repairing your relationship.

When your spouse treats you with contempt, the marriage is over.

Absolutely this. He sees your job as to make his life easier and his workload lighter. He doesn't see you as an equal, a partner, a teammate... you should want more than this

You don't really have your own job though; you work for him, and keeping home doesn't really count (we all do it, but wouldn't necessarily class it a second job).
I have no doubt that you work very hard. But I would start working outside of the family. Maybe then you'll start to get the respect and recognition you deserve.

@eatsleepread

You don't really have your own job though; you work for him, and keeping home doesn't really count (we all do it, but wouldn't necessarily class it a second job). I have no doubt that you work very hard. But I would start working outside of the family. Maybe then you'll start to get the respect and recognition you deserve.

I totally disagree with this. So if OP takes on a 3rd job/role her husband will miraculously start to recognise all her hard work and give her respect? Yeah that will sort things right out while OP burns out from sheer exhaustion. 🙄

OP this marriage sounds miserable. You do what feels right for you. Your happiness is very important, life is too short to live this way.
Do you think counselling is an option? If not, think about what you want out of life.

I genuinely never understand the posts on here from women with awful partners who talk about their reluctance to give up their comfortable lives!

Op your life is so far from comfortable at the moment!

Is he going to take on half the childcare and thus housecare when you split because if you leave with the DCs and he only has himself to look after he will feel vindicated.

Nah, I'd be out of there.

Why does he get the time for 3 hobbies a week?? Where's your hobby time in all this?

I don't understand why some people are dismissive of work done for your own family business. It's still valid work whoever you work for. As for dismissing running a household, yes, every person who lives on their own has to look after themselves and their property. But the OP is also looking after her husband, enabling him to have the time to do a second job (and his hobbies!).

Has he always been like this or has it got worse over time?

Make A Big Announcement.. I am off to do The Hobby. And mn in a quiet place.
Better still make The Big Announcement that you want a divorce..

It doesn't matter how hard he works or how many jobs he has. That doesn't make him your boss.

The thing is, his being patronising and sneering, it's sexist woman-hating shit that every time he does it says, 'You, woman, are not as important as I, the Mighty Peen, am. The work you do is woman's work and again, not as important as mine, but as The Man, I get to order you on how to do it (hence, 'we' need to book hols and social engagements and not MN).'

No lifestyle is worth a person who fundamentally sees his spouse as a domestic appliance he can turn on and off and command like a hoover.

Thanks all. Appreciate your feedback. He's not an all bad, one dimensional person, he just needs a kick up the ass!!
I am starting to stand my ground and starting a hobby again (post Covud) am starting bit by bit as don't want a big announcement.
Actions speak louder than words so putting my needs first and getting into a new habit. Think its partly my signals but I've turned those old ones off and signaling a new era out of lockdown til he squeaks! 😜 new clothes, new hair, new woman! 👗👩🏻