This is going to be a long one. Bare with me.
I am 23 (F) and live with my partner 23 (M). We have been living together 3yrs in August. Together 9 years in October, engaged for 4 years and have a 14 month old.
He was brought up in a very strict household as the middle child with 2 younger and 2 older brothers. He was taught from a young age to be responsible, tidy up, do chores etc and punished harshly if he missed something.
I am an only child, my parents were not 'strict' per se but I did my fair share as a kid and stepped up at 13 when my Dad left, to help mum out more.
My partner is lazy. So god damn lazy. He doesn't do anything unless he is asked to. I mean literally, anything. (He started sertraline abt 2 months ago for depression, I'll get to that later). The laziness has been a problem since we moved in together. I can't remember the last time he did any washing. He doesn't wash the baby's clothes, or ours. If I didn't do it, she'd have nothing to wear. I even got to a stage of being so annoyed a few months ago that I didn't do ANY of his washing. He had no clean clothes at all and ended up staying in the same things for a few days before I caved and did it after we'd had a serious chat about him not pulling his weight. He leaves his clothes all over the floor, (the pile in the bedroom is horrific) doesn't change often, barely showers and doesn't brush his teeth. Safe to say we have very little physical contact as his breath smells bad and he doesn't smell the best. I don't want to be around him. He doesn't ever do the dishes, never cleans ANYTHING in the house unless I bring it up, doesn't change the beds or anything. Nothing without me prompting him, unless it's the odd occasion he remembers that it's bin day and takes the bin out.
We have both been working at home since April 2020 due to covid. I work 8.30-1.30 Mon- Fri and he does 36hrs across 5 days most of the time. I look after the baby while I'm working answering calls etc and when I finish which is why I don't work full time. He doesn't ever get up with the baby on his days off, or on days that he starts significantly later than me. Despite saying every time that he will get up and make things a little easier for me. It annoys me so much that he's lazing in bed while I'm trying to get her sorted and fed and get myself ready to work.
Without me knowing he ended up £1900 in an overdraft and had taken a £1000 loan out. I was so upset as we were looking at buying a house together and he lied to my face about it all.
We have had really serious conversations multiple times about him not doing his fair share of house work, things are good for 3 days then we end up back here.
In July 2020 I left for a few days and stayed in a hotel with the baby to think things over because we'd had a particularly bad day where he gamed all day with his brothers and didn't look after the baby at all, I really lost it.
In January, I had a lot of pent up emotion and wanted a break from him because I couldn't stand being around him. Just as I was about to finalise where I was staying he decided to tell me he was depressed. So we didn't have the break. I didn't have the space I really needed. And here we are again. Its 9.40pm and he's been playing the xbox since 6 quite happily witnessing me doing housework and he's not moved an inch.
Does this get better? Will it ever get better? I cannot see myself staying in this cycle for years? I'm 23 for christ sake, this is stuff that people who have been married for 20+ years moan about. I cannot bring myself to tear the family apart but I just don't know what else I can do to change him?
TLDR; 23F and 23M. Together 9yrs. Father of my 14 month old. Does no housework unless prompted and is very lazy. I've tried everything, even leaving him for a few days to emphasise how much he needs to change and it didn't work. What now?