Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sick DH & secret debt

25 replies

flooredreally · 05/04/2021 20:41

So about 2.5 wks ago DH had a heart attack & was hospitalised. It was a complete shock as he's young & healthy (mid 30s). At one point it was touch & go but after open heart surgery he's on the mend. Obviously it's been an incredibly stressful time not helped by 3 dc & covid restrictions meaning no visits.
I went through his personal emails today as we need an insurance renewal. There was a statement link for a credit card that I didn't recognise, clicked the link & 9k balance. I was completely shocked as had no idea. The money itself isn't so much of a worry as we have a good income & some savings, it's the fact I had no idea. I don't know to handle this as I want to scream at him but can't & we were so excited by the prospect of having him back to us this week but I feel so confused now. After the emotional rollercoaster I've already been on I'm not sure how to handle this.

OP posts:
HappyThursdays · 05/04/2021 20:49

Sorry he's been so ill!

Do you know what he spent it on? If money isn't a problem, perhaps he's been doing this regularly and doesn't think it's an issue?

SpacePotato · 05/04/2021 20:54

Good earnings and savings, why would he need to spend 9k on a credit card. Can you access statements?

Bagelsandbrie · 05/04/2021 20:56

Depends what has caused the debt to build up. If it’s trying to maintain a good family standard of living and it’s spiralled that’s very different to gambling for me anyway, others might not agree. I think when he’s better you need to have a proper chat about it but I would sit on it for now.

ismiseeire · 05/04/2021 20:56

What was the money spent on? Is he accruing interest for a long time to explain the hefty balance?

Anonapuss · 05/04/2021 21:02

Is he using the card to build points for BA or Virgin Airlines? Or is it a cashback card?

Lots of reasons he may be using a card.

Does he pay off full balance or minimum payment? Was it for 1 big purchase or small day to day?

For example, he may have used it for paying for a holiday as it comes with extra protection over using bank transfer etc.

If youre saying hes secretly in debt he cant handle, or been using it for paying for strippers, thats different.

flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:03

I don't know what it was spent on as can't access statements without confronting him which i'm not sure is appropriate yet for his recovery.
I assume its historic as money was tight a few yrs ago when we had much higher childcare costs.
Gambling doesn't really make sense as he's never shown any interest in it tbh.
He is more relaxed about debt then I am, I don't have any & would never use a credit card really. He would also use a credit card for holiday etc (which i know makes sense) but i'm the one who is like pay it off, pay it off.

OP posts:
flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:05

Lots of reasons he may be using a card.

Yes but I think he would tell me, it's the fact I didn't know about it & the repayments are not accounted for in our budget spreadsheet.

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/04/2021 21:07

Sorry he is unwell. Could it be a company card rather than personal? Do you know his sick pay policy? You may feel comfortably off now but if he has to go onto ssp it may be different. If he has no access to his email you will need to mention the notification as the account could need paying before he gets home.

vestastilly · 05/04/2021 21:08

Personally I would forget about it for now and concentrate on getting your husband home and better. Once he is well then you can talk to him about it and see what he has to say.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/04/2021 21:09

I think given the seriousness of his health, I'd park this issue for now in your mind, wait until he's home and settled into a routine before addressing it.

In the meantime however, I'd be going through his statements with a view to finding out:
What he's spending on and how often
Is he making the monthly payments on time
Is he paying the monthly minimum only? (if done over a long time this means the total may continue building even when you're not making new purchases)

It's possible that he used the card initially to fund a large purchase - car, large appliance/electronics, holiday, housing repairs/work - with the intention of spreading the payments, then has ended up frittering away a few quid here and there and then it's built up to a worryingly large amount, and he's carried on doing the same thing and burying his head in the sand. It's very common.

When you come to discuss it, explain exactly how you found out, and then just listen to what he says. Then decide as a team how to approach paying it off, and that will probably go hand in hand with a review of all your finances. If you have savings, it will almost certainly be cheaper to pay off the whole outstanding amount with those, then work on building the savings back up.

Money saving expert website has lots of advice about reviewing your spending and setting clear financial goals going forward.

MrsPnut · 05/04/2021 21:09

My parents have a couple they are best friends with, they have been friends for over 45 years.
The man died a few years ago the day before Christmas Eve and it turned out that there was a mortgage on the house they had lived in for 45 years and there was debt all over the place when they had both worked full time for years. She had to spend all of his death in service benefit paying it all off.

flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:12

Sorry he is unwell. Could it be a company card rather than personal? Do you know his sick pay policy? You may feel comfortably off now but if he has to go onto ssp it may be different. If he has no access to his email you will need to mention the notification as the account could need paying before he gets home.

Yes I've been in contact with his company as they have been very supportive, he has a good sick pay policy.
We have a joint account that money gets paid into from our own accounts. I've checked his personal account balance as I have his card & the balance is ok & I know when he gets paid.

OP posts:
flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:13

Personally I would forget about it for now and concentrate on getting your husband home and better. Once he is well then you can talk to him about it and see what he has to say.

I think you are right as we nearly lost him & I was terrified. I just feel really let down.

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/04/2021 21:18

But if it is his personal account you don't want it to default and accrue more interest. He may have a payment already set up. Can you ask if there is anything you need to settle in the meantime?

flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:19

What he's spending on and how often Is he making the monthly payments on time
Is he paying the monthly minimum only? (if done over a long time this means the total may continue building even when you're not making new purchases)

It's possible that he used the card initially to fund a large purchase - car, large appliance/electronics, holiday, housing repairs/work - with the intention of spreading the payments, then has ended up frittering away a few quid here and there and then it's built up to a worryingly large amount, and he's carried on doing the same thing and burying his head in the sand. It's very common.

The logical conclusion is it's historic frittering that he probably just paid the minimum off & he probably doesn't see it as a big deal hence not prioritising paying it off & having to cut back.

When you come to discuss it, explain exactly how you found out, and then just listen to what he says. Then decide as a team how to approach paying it off, and that will probably go hand in hand with a review of all your finances. If you have savings, it will almost certainly be cheaper to pay off the whole outstanding amount with those, then work on building the savings back up.

Money saving expert website has lots of advice about reviewing your spending and setting clear financial goals going forward.

Thank you for your advice. I'm so upset I found out like this & that I didn't know in the first place.

OP posts:
flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:21

But if it is his personal account you don't want it to default and accrue more interest.

The email I found said thank you for your payment or similar so I know it's been paid for this month & I know the balance of his account & our joint one plus when he gets paid if that makes sense.

OP posts:
LizziesTwin · 05/04/2021 21:22

Do you know why he had a heart attack? Does heart disease run in his family?

flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:24

The doctors said bad luck but his grandfather did have one fairly young & his mum needed heart surgery for a valve. Could be a genetic weakness that we need to investigate further.

OP posts:
flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:25

He lost his dad last yr to covid although he was in a care home so he has had a tough time.

OP posts:
Anonapuss · 05/04/2021 21:30

Wishing your husband a speedy recovery.

Please try not to feel decieved, im sure it wasnt meant that way by him, and can be easily rectified as youre financially comfortable. If thats the worst secret to come to light, youre doing ok!

Sending you calming thoughts and a big hug Easter Smile

flooredreally · 05/04/2021 21:32

Thank you, it really has been an awful time, this has just pushed me over the edge a bit!
I will park it & support him in his recovery & we will work it out.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 05/04/2021 21:41

Do a financial fact sheet when he’s better together. Wait and see if disclosed then challenge calmly if needed.

Lauraa7 · 05/04/2021 21:56

I can understand why you feel so upset by this. Could you mention to him that his heart attack has made you want to review your insurances and bills, and a friend has also suggested doing a credit check too.
Not sure if this might stress him out through!

hitsvilleuk · 05/04/2021 22:22

Any chance he is a coke user? Vastly increases the risk of heart disease and could account for the money.

I hope not and that he makes a speedy recovery

Good luck

flooredreally · 05/04/2021 22:45

Drugs are unlikely, docs have said hes otherwise healthy & I met him at uni (we were just friends then) & he had no interest at all.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread