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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s hot and cold

28 replies

Roses10101 · 05/04/2021 19:44

Hello

I know people are probably going to tell me to leave this man well alone and I probably should but I need to get this all out somewhere as I have just had enough.

I have been on and off with my partner for 4 years we are late 20s with no children on both sides. We don’t live together. We have had periods not talking (months) but as of lately have been back in contact, I wouldn’t say we are officially in an Rship right now however we are seeing each other and have been sleeping together. I live alone and he’s been my bubble.

we have had a lot of ups and downs, and one thing I have noticed recently is that he is very hot and cold with me. One day he will want to talk to me loads and he will FaceTime and call throughout the the day many times ( I work from home he still works but kinda job he is on his phone a lot) at the moment he is staying over about 3 times a week.

However I have an issue with the fact when it comes to the weekends and some not all I kay add evenings this man disappears I will rarely hear from him and the phone calls and FaceTimes do not happen, particularly on Sundays which is his day off. As it has been a bank holiday weekend I have hardly heard from him at all since Thursday.

I have brought this up with him numerous times and he says it’s not true etc etc but it is true. It also happens some evenings as well and I will not hear from him and he will read and not reply to msgs.

I am not being needy he does not need to talk to me all the time but I feel as though I am being used to fill his working day when he is clearly bored and when he actually has free time I am not a part of that.

I don’t know wha to do anymore I feel like just ignoring him. I know come tommorow he’s back at work and the constant calls will start again untill next weekend. It has become so predictable now and I really don’t know why i am sticking around as it’s just making me feel shit.

I am obviously just someone he thinks to call in between jobs to pass time aren’t i ? I have also considered if there is someone else as this behaviour just isn’t normal.

OP posts:

DizSquiz · 05/04/2021 19:46

Sounds like he's seeing someone else also tbh

Ruminating2020 · 05/04/2021 19:50

Sounds like he's gaslighting here instead of addressing your concerns.

I am obviously just someone he thinks to call in between jobs to pass time aren’t i ? I have also considered if there is someone else as this behaviour just isn’t normal.

It doesn't seem normal and you've already tried talking about it with him with no resolution.

A healthy relationship shouldn't be consistently on and off. If there's no period of steadiness, then it's not working.

Monr0e · 05/04/2021 19:51

You are a convenient fuck buddy. For your own self esteem you should just knock it on the head rather than be constantly wondering if and when he will bother to get in touch.

category12 · 05/04/2021 19:51

You should stop wasting years of your life on someone like this.

Take this feeling of having "had enough" and use it to break free, stop all contact and move on from him.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2021 19:55

Fucking hell, op, do you really not think you're worth more than the pathetic scraps this arsehole occasionally throws your way? You are merely a way for him to pass the time when it's convenient for him, nothing more. How many more years are you going to waste on him?

Original poster

Roses10101 · 05/04/2021 19:57

I am more and more feeling as though he is seeing someone else and my friends also agree , as what other explanation for constantly disappearing could there be ? I have out right asked him and he’s denied it but he isn’t going to admit that.

He has an auto immune condition that causes fatigue so he blames it on falling asleep after work however when he’s at mine he’s up later then me so I just don’t know if this is an excuse.

OP posts:

Sunflower1970 · 05/04/2021 19:58

Obviously he has a secret life you know nothing about. Are u sure he has no kids?!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2021 19:59

Just end this sham of a relationship already. Good grief.

Flappityflippers1 · 05/04/2021 19:59

I wonder if he has a wife?

Ditch him and run, he sounds like he’s gaslighting you and isn’t listening to you.

Original poster

Roses10101 · 05/04/2021 20:00

I am quite sure he has no kids but yes now I am more and more thinking there maybe a secret life.

OP posts:

category12 · 05/04/2021 20:00

It really doesn't matter what he's up to - ask yourself am I getting what I need out of this relationship?

You're not.

So stop messing about, and ditch him already.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 20:01

This isn't a relationship. It's a waste of your time.

SelkieBoru · 05/04/2021 20:03

Call it a day and don't look back. He's giving you mixed messages blowing hot and cold. What a turn off. He isn't somebody you can count on and if you want somebody who loves you and enjoys being with you and wants a future with you, this guy isn't him.
At this point in your life, be grateful you don't live with him. Move on.

user1493413286 · 05/04/2021 20:03

Honestly I’d just block him and try to move on; I can’t see that this is going to go anywhere and it does sound very suspicious

Lozzerbmc · 05/04/2021 20:05

He could be married- whether he is or not, it doesnt sound like a basis for happy future relationship so I think you’d be better off moving on.

seensome · 05/04/2021 20:14

He's got a girlfriend he sees weekends, a man should always prioritise you at weekends and holidays if you mean anything to him. If if there wasn't a gf it's crap to ignore you for days until he feels like it.

Original poster

Roses10101 · 05/04/2021 20:17

Agree I am starting to think that he has a gf he sees on weekends and holidays

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2021 20:20

Agree I am starting to think that he has a gf he sees on weekends and holidays

So you're finally going to end this farce, right?

QueenOfDart · 05/04/2021 20:39

It does seem strange, however does he have specific hobbies etc he does at weekends? I don't think it's unusual to have 'chatty' days and 'quiet' days.

Apileofballyhoo · 05/04/2021 20:50

There is no rule or law that says you must stay in a relationship with someone who does not make you happy. A partner should make your life easier and happier.

Awomanneedingadvice · 05/04/2021 20:53

OP please don't waste your time on this man if you are looking for anything serious. Is he the reason for you and him being on and off in the past? Has he always been hot and cold?

billy1966 · 05/04/2021 20:58

Oh for goodness sake, 4 years on someone who is obviously with someone else and just using you as a back up.

Have some self respect.

4 years you have given to this user.

Unbelievable.

Is this really all you feel you deserve OP?

You deserve better, such a pity you don't realise it.

Blueskytoday06 · 05/04/2021 21:05

He's hot and cold because you let him be. You know what to do.

Original poster

Roses10101 · 06/04/2021 00:11

I would say his actions things he has done have been the reason for us being on and off in the past.. usually will be me who ends it though not him.

He doesn’t have any particular hobbies as such but he is studying for something at the moment so says that’s what he is doing when he disappears . I would accept that but the studying is a relatively new thing and the disappearing has been happening a while.

As for as he always been hot and cold no he hasn’t. This has started in the last year or so

OP posts:

Original poster

Roses10101 · 06/04/2021 00:13

It’s not un usual to have chatty days and quiet days but I do think it is unusual that the quiet days seen to always be the same days and times. But yes it is time I do get some self respect and walk away

OP posts:

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