My ex filmed me while I was changing at a local swimming pool

[Pegsonstrings]

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In lock down last year3
Today 17:25Pegsonstrings

I met up with my abuser ex. No excuse other than I felt incredibly lonely and so joined bumble. I know many of you will judge me. I know I do.

He came up on bumble and I swiped tight. And matched. I sent a laughing emoji. We use to be so brilliant together, I am a bit of a fitness fanatic so we would do lots of activities together or he would join me on my long runs.

We arranged to meet over coffee. And this is when I realised I didn't love him anymore, which is great. But I did miss the giggles we had and the long chats over nothing and the people we knew. Job gossips and the pandemic. I want to empathise that I had covid in March last year and then complications at the back of that months later, or around the time we met up for coffee. I was unable to walk long distances, and had all sorts of neurological issues. He was a great support and one day suggested we go swimming and he booked this and off we went. I managed a little swim, then got out to shower and change. The changing area is great, with cubicles and great access to clean areas. But to my horror as I was changing, butt naked, taking off the towel off my head I notice he has been filming me as he had gone into the cubicle next to mine. Obviously I said what the hell are you doing, and as quickly as I could I got dressed, got out and waited for him to come out, I 2as really distressed and generally upset that he had filmed me while I was naked changing into my clothes and also quite disabled at the time as I was in a relapse. I never imagined he would do something like this, although he had been horrible at times during our 4 year relationship, this was just awful.

He came out and I confronted him, then told the manager at the swimming pool, and took a taxi home. Once home I called the police, they came, took a statement and arrested him, took his phone and they have called 3x after I have chased them for information with saying its with a specialist IT team. This incident happened last October and I have not heard anything.

I feel awful that this man felt so secure in what he did. And I feel awful because I feel like I called this uppon myself by getting back in contact.

I felt so lonely and going through a relapse just felt nice having that familiarity. My whole family is in Scandinavia. And so I guess I can only blame myself. I am disgusted with myself, disappointed that he felt so comfortable doing this to me and in a public swimming pool too. The reason I reported it to the police was I didn't want him selling whatever he managed to film on the Internet, and I could have been anyone, but he knew what he was doing.

I still have not managed to see family, or talk about it much, and he is a father to 4 girls with the youngest being 12.

But I know a lot of you will feel I am stupid for meeting up with him, and I take full accountability but I am not responsible for what he decided to do, film me butt naked in a public swimming pool. I have to say I feel so lonely with all of this and also like seeing i am not british this doesn't really matter with the police. But knowing my ex, this won't stop him doing this again.

I guess I just want to talk to someone but please be kind as I know how stupid I was meeting up with him as he is abusive.

HE is a pig. This is not your fault.

Hugs and I hope the police get a move on.

None of this is your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Please don’t blame yourself. He is vile. Remember that he is vile. Sending hugs.

None of this is your fault at all
He’s disgusting and I hope the police get this sorted for you quickly

This is not your fault.

I think you should look for some support - maybe do the Freedom Programme, see if there are support groups you could join even if just online?

At least he showed you really quickly that nothing has changed and he's still no good, rather you getting sucked in further.

When I asked him why he had even thought of doing this his words were "I find you so attractive" and I am baffled as to who does this? Like how do you even start thinking this is OK? Specifically seeing i was really poorly at this particular time. The manager at the pool was great, and although the police was great when they came round, and did arrest him, I have not heard anything unless I get in touch first which I have done. But now I am just thinking this is so normal for blokes to do that the police and everyone else has normalised this sort of behaviour?

It doesn't really matter why he does anything. He's not of interest or value.

You need to write him off and work on sorting out the reasons you were vulnerable to revisiting things with him.

@cat, I have spoken with a therapist, and I know why I did revisit the relationship. I am much stronger now but this has clearly impacted me more than I care to acknowledge. I would never treat anyone so appallingly.

@Pegsonstrings you have posted this twice, perhaps ask for the other to be deleted. This is what I wrote there:
Please stop calling yourself stupid. You at worst were trusting. You sound lovely, you sound like you have had a hard year and fancied a catch up with someone who had once been fun to be with. You are NOT stupid! He on the other hand is a vile misogynist wanker and I'm so glad you have defended yourself effectively. I know how you feel about being foreign and reporting something, I lived elsewhere in Europe for 10 years, but in this case I suspect it just isn't seen as being urgent, regardless of your nationality.
I think you handled it well, I hope you are now recovering from "long Covid" and can feel better.

IME the police don't generally do much re "minor" crime (I know it's not minor to you). In your case they presumably have evidence (?) but it may not be enough to prosecute. They should let you know but it could take ages as it won't be a priority.

Both my dds were assaulted (different incidents) - in one case it was a physical attack with a witness and in the other my dd knows who did it and has seen him around since - but the police took a while to even take a statement in each case and ages to check out CCTV for possible evidence. Nothing ever came of either incident- luckily neither were badly hurt and both got over the emotional upset eventually.

It is a bit silly to contact him again considering he has always been a prize A twat BUT this does not mean he is justified in filming you! This isn’t your fault at all. What a disgusting man, you are well rid of him. Hope you are able to put him behind you once and for all and hope you are also feeling better OP.

I'm sure that comes under voyeurism filming without persons knowledge or consent, which is illegal id contact the place you went he may even be filmed on there cctv,!!

@Ardvark111

@Pegsonstrings

When I asked him why he had even thought of doing this his words were "I find you so attractive" and I am baffled as to who does this? Like how do you even start thinking this is OK? Specifically seeing i was really poorly at this particular time. The manager at the pool was great, and although the police was great when they came round, and did arrest him, I have not heard anything unless I get in touch first which I have done. But now I am just thinking this is so normal for blokes to do that the police and everyone else has normalised this sort of behaviour?

Not normal or normalised and therefore that would certainly have no bearing on any delay in it being dealt with. The police should be able to provide you with some kind of update.

@pegsonstrings. Oops sorry I just read at a glance. I hope you get some justice he took a big risk not just with filming you but also if young girls in vicinity . then we are talking in the realms of paedophiles activitys

This is not your fault, you are not to blame. This was his fault and his alone.

Please chase it up with the police.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP, it is not normal and it is not your fault. You did exactly the right thing reporting it. I would expect it to be taken seriously, when my husband did jury service he sat on a case not a million miles away from this one. If you don't get any joy from the police contact your MP.

You did the right thing to report it. It may help someone else to have reported him.
He's got 4 daughters himself and this is how he treats women!
You weren't to know. You didnt ask for that or invite it upon yourself. He is in the wrong and you are not in the wrong. He is a danger to women. Take care of yourself and hope you find peace soon and move on from this.

Thank you to each everyone of you

This is not your fault, you are not to blame because you met up with him. Your behaviour was within social norms, many people befriend an ex. His behaviour was criminal.

Don't beat yourself up about this. You did the right thing in reporting it to the police. Keep the pressure on them to pursue it. Even if they don't act, your dealing with it in this way is a warning to him and may act as a deterrent to stop him trying it on others. Well done you.