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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex & Intimacy Post Baby

28 replies

NewDad86 · 05/04/2021 17:56

Hello everybody. I’m a 30 year old man and have been with my 34 year old girlfriend for 5 years now. Our son is 18 months old. I am here seeking advice as intimacy / sex has become a real issue in our relationship, at least for me. Prior to our son being conceived I would describe our sex life as completely normal, but as soon as we found out about the pregnancy, that was it, she completely lost interest. Over the course of the past 2 years we have only been intimate on a handful of occasions. We have had several arguments about it since but nothing has really changed. Generally communication about this issue is a problem and I find that however I try to approach it does not yield results in terms of understanding each other and moving forwards.

Her explanation is that she just doesn’t feel that way any more because of baby body, tiredness etc. She doesn’t attribute this to me but says that it just doesn’t cross her mind any more. She does acknowledge that the situation needs to be addressed, but the weeks / months tend to go by with no change. I think if I just never mentioned it again she would be happy with the status quo.

Can anybody relate to this? From my perspective I don’t think that I’m being unreasonable for wanting a more active sex life, but at the same time I don’t think she is being particularly unreasonable for feeling the way that she is feeling. I certainly do not want to find myself in a situation where she is agreeing to have sex out of a sense of duty. Which is difficult as at face value the obvious compromise is to say agree to be intimate once a week or whatever.

I feel like this situation is unhealthy and am struggling to figure out how to deal with it, and would be really interested to hear the perspectives of other women who are, or who have been, at a similar stage in terms of the child’s age etc.

In terms of overall relationship there are not really any other issues. Having a baby combined with being in lockdown for more or less a year has obviously been a struggle.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/04/2021 17:58

We have had several arguments about it since but nothing has really changed. Generally communication about this issue is a problem and I find that however I try to approach it does not yield results in terms of understanding each other and moving forwards

So you're starting arguments and complaining that this doesn't lead to her putting out for you?

That's never going to work out well.

Original poster

NewDad86 · 05/04/2021 18:04

NeverDrop - Perhaps I didn’t phrase that correctly. I try to discuss the situation and tend to find that it becomes an argument because she tends to shut down and become defensive. I want to be clear in that I am appreciative of her feelings in all of this and that I am in no way trying to apply any pressure, or approach it in an aggressive, ‘laying the blame with her’ way.

OP posts:

clairemelon · 05/04/2021 18:09

To be honest, I wanted sex all the time prior to babies, but when they came along, I was just shattered, felt like crap as I had no time for 'me". My priority was two little people and sadly, I guess I neglected my husband (but I do think this is common).
On the flip side, it didn't mean that I no longer loved my husband, it was purely that romance, lazy afternoons and all the fun pre kids had vanished over night.
We are divorced now as we continued to make no effort with each other but if you really feel the love.... make it work.

LavenderLollies · 05/04/2021 18:43

I feel the same as your girlfriend tbh. Kid is 18m and we’ve been intimate maybe a handful of times since they were born. I just don’t feel sexual anymore and the longer it goes on the more awkward it feels, we don’t even really kiss or hold hands anymore. I think a big part is the pandemic and the fact we’ve only been out together once without baby since they were born and haven’t had any help or support so we’re constantly tired from childcare and only together as mum and dad. I love and fancy him the same as I always have but my drive has gone and I think the only way to get back on the horse is going to be kinda forcing myself to do it, scheduling it, hoping the more I do it the more normal it feels and the more I want it again. It’s so difficult.

Sunflower1970 · 05/04/2021 18:50

You need to address this situation again as your relationship is going to fall apart. You are both young and can’t live your lives in a sexless relationship - having sex keeps y oi close as a couple . I get where she’s coming from but I also feel for you. This might spell the end of your relationship but it’s better to tackle it than ignore it

Original poster

NewDad86 · 05/04/2021 18:54

Lavender Lollies thanks for your comment. I completely relate to the situation that you describe. It is the same for us. I’m sure that the pandemic has played a big part in this as it just hasn’t been possible to get away from the day to day - to go for a meal or a drink etc.

I don’t blame my girlfriend for feeling the way that she does, but at the same time I do want to feel as if there is some light at the end of the tunnel. This situation is not one that I prepared for at all! Thinking that are are no easy answers...

OP posts:

Duskydai · 05/04/2021 18:55

My DD is 8m and we are the same, have only had it a handful of times since as we are both shattered by the evening and would rather veg out in front of the TV and then sleep. It is normal to an extent but how much are you doing to help her out on a day to day basis? If she is doing the lions share of the work, the night feeds and bath time and the constant cleaning up after the LO has eaten and left a trail of crumbs etc then it is no wonder she has no energy to pander to you too. Her sex drive is reduced because she is tired so you need to ensure you are contributing an equal amount so she is less tired therefore more likely to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

Original poster

NewDad86 · 05/04/2021 18:59

Sunflower1970 I agree, but how? I am sure that she is feeling the same as LavenderLollies described. I don’t think it’s personal against me, more of a hormonal issue for want of a better way to put it. I feel like applying pressure and trying to schedule etc would probably just make her feel worse, which I don’t want to do. I try to put myself in her shoes by thinking what it would be like for me if I had psychological ED or complete lack of libido. Not easy.

OP posts:

AbstractHeart · 05/04/2021 19:09

I agree that scheduling is the way to go. I'm also exhausted since having our second child (2 under 2) and my sex drive is basically nonexistent. However I do still want to keep my relationship alive and my husband happy, so we schedule sex once a week and both try to mentally get in the mood in preparation for that. Previously my husband would try to initiate sex right before we were going to sleep and it would just annoy me because I was far too tired then!

LavenderLollies · 05/04/2021 19:15

I would be very receptive if my husband suggested scheduling, why not try that? It sounds so unsexy but honestly some crap sex is better than none at this stage and waiting for fireworks and it to naturally occur isn’t working out too well!

You know what really helps me? When we take the pressure off and kinda jokily pretend that we’re ‘not allowed’ to do anything. That the only thing we’re planning on is naked snuggles and kissing to just enjoy being close. The whole ‘we’re not gonna do anything else’ even though I know it’s daft makes me feel less nervous and pressured, and conversely DH reminding me we said we wouldn’t do anything obviously makes me start wanting to. Either way, if you can get back some intimacy, even just naked snuggling and stroking and kissing, that’ll help to keep you close as otherwise you can start feeling like friends who run a nursery together.

Apileofballyhoo · 05/04/2021 19:22

Do you get equal downtime?

Apileofballyhoo · 05/04/2021 19:23

Sorry posted a bit soon. When DS was small I had very little time to pamper myself, look after my diet, get dressed nicely etc - things that make me feel attractive.

Bellaphant · 05/04/2021 20:34

Part of it will be the pandemic - I have a 20 month old and am pregnant, and still breastfeeding so like...being sexy isn't high on my agenda. I tend to feel more open to sex when I can see my partner is beings good dad/taken the initiative to clean something, etc., Or if we've had a lot of laughs in the day together - these laughs are probably easier to achieve when we can go on dates!

Otherwise, scheduling does help!

espressoontap · 05/04/2021 20:47

It's getting on for a year since my husband and I last had sex. We have a 4 year old and a 6 month old, I was very poorly during pregnancy so was unable to. And since baby came along we have not stopped. I still fancy the pants off DH but I literally have no idea when we'd get chance to do it. I'm still breastfeeding and baby is a crap sleeper, plus 4 year old running round.

I would be receptive to scheduling it in, maybe try that?

Is she breastfeeding? That can decrease sex drive.

espressoontap · 05/04/2021 20:48

I agree with the pandemic comment as well, people are on their knees. Emotionally and physically.

Wearywithteens · 05/04/2021 21:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

category12 · 05/04/2021 21:16

Does she get much time to herself? Or does she feel like she constantly has the baby hanging off her, do you think? Has she been breastfeeding/still breastfeeding? Does she feel "touched out" because she's getting constant demands from your child? Are you sharing night wakings etc?

If she doesn't get much time to feel like anything but mummy, it's pretty hard to feel sexy.

Are you both affectionate and loving and touch each other outside of the bedroom? Is she receptive to affectionate touch? It might be worth trying taking sex/sexual acts off the table for a while, agreeing not to do anything like that say for a month, but instead to work on rebuilding affectionate touch, kissing, cuddling without the pressure of it leading to more, and hopefully rebuilding her desire and confidence. It's difficult to go from little touch to full sex if she's lost that sense of intimacy with you.

Anothernick · 06/04/2021 07:53

Sex is the glue in a relationship, it will keep you together when everything else is falling apart. Diarising it sounds a bit grim but it Is better than no sex. Decades ago, when our DC were young, we made a deal that we should try not to go more than a week without. And we've pretty much stuck to that, we still keep to it even though the DC are long since grown up. Making that deal was one of the best things we ever did, im not sure we would still be together if we hadn't done it.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 06/04/2021 07:59

I went off my exp rapidly once I realised I was doing all the early mornings plus everything else . His life never changed he played golf every weekend and wondered why I didn't give him any attention.
All he did was complain about how tired he was while living his best life . If any of that sounds familiar to you then you're in trouble for sure!

louisejxxx · 06/04/2021 08:02

Is she the main caregiver of your child OP? I remember how I felt when each of my children were that age and the perfect way of describing it is “touched out” - I was so used to a toddler hanging off me all day that by the end of the day the thought of anyone else touching me used to make my skin crawl. It is by no means personal, and I think is now generally recognised as common and normal.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 06/04/2021 08:18

I have a kid about the same age and yours and I think scheduling time for the two of you is a good plan. It’s extremely rare that we both spontaneously feel like sex at a time when our child does not need attention. Pick sometime when you know you have a good hour without baby interrupting you (weekend nap time?) Friday afternoons before nursery pick up? Pitch it as time for you two to reconnect and lead with a shoulder massage or something definitely enjoyable for your wife that takes the pressure off. I also find taking a shower helps to separate mum mode and feeling sexy mode. Oh, and if you have reliable childcare in place (like nursery) everytime you take time off work for a holiday, try starting with one day at home and send your baby to childcare as usual :) Obviously these are just suggestions and you should see if any of these ideas appeal to your wife rather than trying them out and expecting instant results.

Lockeddownagain · 06/04/2021 08:24

We didnt have sex for 5years after our daughter was born. Neither of us ever felt like it. Is she working are you? Is she at home doing the child rearing and housework ? These things do not make of wanting sex

Veronika13 · 06/04/2021 08:34

All sounds sad tbh... did anyone's relationship DID maintain a decent sex life after kids.? I don't have any yet so no experience there.

CookPassBabtridge · 06/04/2021 12:55

Ours is back to a couple of times a week now the youngest is 4.
Once they are in their own beds and not so reliant, needy.. a woman can find her identity and sexual self again.

BeagleEagle · 06/04/2021 12:59

@NewDad86

Well I'll compare you favourably to the guy in the other thread, you seem very mindful of your GF's feelings. I'll give you the same advice - restore the intimacy first and the sex will come second. Do you have much access to childcare? Can you get dressed up and have a nice "at home" dinner box or cook something for her? What did you do before for intimacy? Try to re-introduce touch slowly, cuddling and kissing comes first. Sex usually comes once the intimacy has been restored so maybe you could chat about that first and it'll alleviate the pressure.

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