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Original poster

How to split up

20 replies

Newusertothis · 05/04/2021 17:27

Just that really
How do u split up from a long term relationship where there are kids involved when you know the other person will be heartbroken/ un accepting/ wanting to discuss it/ want to know how they can change your mind/ don’t want to move out or make you feel like you are not thinking straight

OP posts:
Original poster
Newusertothis · 05/04/2021 20:11

Anyone

OP posts:
TeethNoseTeeth · 05/04/2021 20:23

I wish I had the answer for you, but I’m in a similar position and it feels impossible. I guess the answer is to just start talking...easier said than done though. Hopefully someone will come along with words of wisdom shortly!

lanbro · 05/04/2021 20:25

I did it, I just told him I wanted to separate and that I didn't love him anymore. I mean, it was awful but I just tried to keep repeating myself, I slept on the sofa and a few weeks later I moved out as he refused to...we've been divorced nearly 3 years and I think he would still have me back but I've stuck firm, didn't so much as kiss him after I told him.

Good luck

mug2018 · 05/04/2021 20:28

It's never going to be an easy conversation. My advice would be to establish a plan in terms of what happens after you've had the conversation:
Timescales to split
Where who lives where / moves out
Finances .. are they joint assets / do you need to agree how to split
Children- how / when to discuss with them

Try & avoid the blame game. Choose a 'good time' to sit and talk & be as objective as you can about how you feel & reasons for your decision to split

It'll be difficult but if you mind is set, stand strong & things will work out

Good luck

category12 · 05/04/2021 20:34

You set the wheels in motion and follow through. You need to take action rather than talk, if you're decided that you want out. The sooner you start, the sooner everyone will be through it and able to rebuild.

Of course a break up is hard if one of you doesn't want it, and painful most times even if you do.

But in a way, it's cruel to drag things out being unhappy, wasting his time and depriving him of the chance to find someone who will love him. And you may grow to resent him and your relationship deteriorate if you stay, which could end up toxic. Better to try to separate as amicably as possible before too much damage is done.

sbmb · 05/04/2021 21:41

OP, as someone who was in exactly the situation your partner is going to find themselves in when you break this news to them, it will be unfathomable, bewildering and just about the most heartbreaking event they will experience , particularly if they’re going to be blindsided or feel they never saw it coming. Both your lives will change in that spit second and nothing will be the same again. 3 months down the road , the one thing I wish my wife could have shown is compassion, and an ability to truly empathise with the emotions I was going through. She didn’t talk to me anywhere near soon enough to even enable a discussion about problems, options or opportunities to save our relationship. Dropping the bombshell and paying lip service to apologies for causing hurt and pain come across as trite tokenism , but being totally honest and transparent with your reasons for taking the decisions you have will help ease the confusion and aid some understanding. You have to remember that you’re going to be in a different place , your emotional state is not going to be aligned with his. You’ll have done your thinking and rationalising , he can’t and simply won’t want to believe it. This is where the compassion and honesty will be important. If there is to be any amicable way through this, you have to try and help him get to the same page as you. Time does heal , or rather it lessens the pain, it’s true but don’t rely on that being your stock solution. Compassion and understanding in the circumstances you describe is what will be needed in the immediate aftermath.

customwatkins · 06/04/2021 08:03

Will this be a bombshell out then blue to them?

Surely if you're this unhappy you've had talks over time about your relationship, discussed not being happy, both communicated what changes need to be made etc. Perhaps even tried couples counselling? If all this has failed then your partner must suspect this is coming.

Original poster
Newusertothis · 07/04/2021 12:29

@customwatkins
We’ve seperated before once for 6 months and got back together then once for 2 months and i tried to end things after xmas but he was back within a week me feeling sorry for him and guilty

OP posts:
litterbird · 07/04/2021 13:42

So, if you do it again, he will think you will come back again. What will you do differently and say to him differently to ensure he understands it really is the end? What did you say before to end it?

Original poster
Newusertothis · 07/04/2021 13:51

I don’t know what to say to make him understand
He keeps saying i am just going through an early midlife crisis

OP posts:
category12 · 07/04/2021 14:27

You don't keep saying, you start doing. He's not going to suddenly "understand" and make it easy for you - it's not what he wants and not in his interests. He just has to make with the sad face and he's pretty sure things will go back to normal. You have already demonstrated that this works for him. Sure you moan and say it's over, but he just needs to ride it out and normal service continues.

If you want to split up, you are going to have to set the wheels in motion, by getting started on separating: working out whatever you need to do about the housing situation, applying for a divorce if you're married and showing him you're serious. Or are you expecting him to do all that for you and just move out quietly?

category12 · 07/04/2021 14:32

And you stop taking him back.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 07/04/2021 15:03

OP I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, it's not pleasant.
It seems like you'll need to be proactive. Start getting everything in order - finances, know where all your money/debts/saving/assets/pensions/etc stand; make a spreadsheet. Locate all important documents.
Figure out housing options, for each of you.
Figure out what, if any, assistance/benefits you might be entitled to.
Perhaps speak to a lawyer, many give a free half-hour.

There is also (if you can afford it) the possibility of couples counselling for several sessions, not necessarily to try to stay together but to explore what went wrong and help you both accept that it's over and move on more amicably/peacefully.

There is lots of guidance on separating online, for example: www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/separating/
Good luck OP

Original poster
Newusertothis · 07/04/2021 16:21

I don’t need to get anything in order all my finances are seperate already and he lives with me but he has his place

OP posts:
category12 · 07/04/2021 16:52

So it's simple then. You just tell him to go and don't let him back.

litterbird · 07/04/2021 17:52

You say there are kids involved, its important you stop splitting up and going back as it will mess them up even more. As you have separate finances and separate places then its a no brainer really. You say what you have said to him on the other occasions and stick to it rather than keep returning. Of course he might be heartbroken but then again he might be happy to let you go as he may be unhappy too. Just do as you have done before, finish it and dont look back.

AzureHawker1 · 07/04/2021 18:45

I am in a similar situation and it’s so hard. I told my ex I wanted to separate around 6 weeks ago. After years of putting up with the way he behaves and hoping my feelings would change, I realised that I couldn’t love him or respect him again so it had to end or we would have a lifetime of misery ahead of both us.

He was shocked and upset when I told him I wanted to separate, we have been together 16 years and have DCs together. He has been a bit difficult but I’ve tried to ignore it and see that he is hurt and angry. My mind has been a mess since I told him, I keep doubting my decision and it’s very hard to think clearly at this stage. He moved out last week and I am in the process of getting things sorted financially and trying to help the kids understand what’s happening. It all feels very difficult just now and I have to honest and say I do miss him a little bit sometimes but maybe I think it’s the rose tinted specs that are causing that. He came round to see the dc tonight and I had a little cry to myself upstairs because the situation made me so sad, but then he started acting like a twat and I remembered why I’m doing this! I think once things settle down it will be better for us all!

AzureHawker1 · 07/04/2021 18:47

Hit post by accident! I think something that has helped me stay strong was writing a note in my phone of all the reasons that I wanted to leave him and looking back at it when I felt like I was wavering and my head was all over the place!

Original poster
Newusertothis · 07/04/2021 19:35

Thank you @AzureHawker1

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