Hopefully this isn’t too long, but I really need to write this out and any opinions would be appreciated.
Two years ago DH and I decided to open up our marriage. We joined Fabswingers but he didn’t end up meeting anyone, due to body confidence. He was happy for me to meet people so I met one man, things went great and really enhanced DH & I sex life. The next month, after encouragement from DH I met another man who I shall call A. Meeting A was like meeting someone I’d known a long time, we instantly got on well and everything in the bedroom was great. With DH blessing I continued to meet him, though at times DH would be a bit distant afterwards which I now know was due to him being jealous - this has been addressed and resolved since. A and I were texting regularly and after three months of meeting I felt like I was feeling more for him than I should, so asked to call time and to just be friends to which A agreed. Some weeks later we had a mini disagreement and A blocked me on WhatsApp, which I was upset about. I text him a couple of weeks afterward to apologise but initially heard nothing from him, so I assumed he wasn’t interested in being in contact any more. About 3-4 weeks later he got in touch and said he missed speaking to me and doing things together, apologising for his part in the disagreement. I responded and we kind of went from there. We met about a fortnight later and slept together.
A decided to come off Fab, deleted his profile, and wanted to be exclusive (apart from me being with DH obviously). I kept my profile but agreed to be exclusive and again had DH blessing. A and I met every few weeks, sometimes we had sex and sometimes we didn’t, we kept in contact almost daily on WhatsApp. Six months passed and one day I realised I’d fallen in love with A. I told him, he didn’t say anything back but he kissed me and hugged me. I told DH and he brought up the idea of polyamory. I didn’t want to commit to anything, I was happy to meet up as A & I had been doing, which we did so. A number of months after that COVID hit.
When we went into lockdown A & I didn’t see each other, but again kept in near daily contact. He was living with a friend (male) and we both agreed due to the uncertainty to not see each other. In June he moved to his own place. Apart from my DH/DC I didn’t see anyone else and A wasn’t seeing anyone, so we started meeting for socially distanced walks and had a weekend away booked in the October. There was still sexual talk, but we hadn’t done anything together since the March. We had a conversation on where we were both at and we both agreed we would like to continue the sexual relationship. A few weeks before we were due to go away I clarified this with him again and he confirmed he was happy with me.
The week before we were meant to go away I logged into Fab. I still used the forums from time to time. On the “feed” up popped A. I recognised his underwear. I clicked on his profile and he had joined a week previously, from his profile it was clear he was looking to meet others. Now we had agreed if we wanted to start seeing others we would let the other know. He had mentioned nothing and it took me by surprise. It also upset me. I called him and asked him outright if he had joined back up and he said no. I was quite upset so I ended the call, but messaged him to say I knew he was back on there and said I’d like to have a chat face to face, which he agreed to. The next day I went to see him, he apologised but said he was just feeling “frisky” and never intended to meet anyone. He went on to say I was married and he didn’t have anyone else. I explained to him that it wasn’t the fact he was wanting to meet someone else, but that he hadn’t told me after he had been the one to ask to be exclusive. He maintained he wasn’t going to meet anyone. As we were due to go away I kind of pushed it all to one side and he said that we should stay friends but stop the sexual side of things. We went away, things were fine but there was flirting on both sides, though nothing happened. After we came back I saw him on a semi-regular basis, we went for walks and I went round for dinner. Once when he was ordering a takeout he called me his partner to the person on the phone, which I didn’t know what to think. We still continue to do go for walks and have film nights/meals together at his place.
However, I still want him sexually. I still feel for him deeply. When we are together we end up having a hug on the couch more often than not. I have mentioned still being attracted to him before and he has said that he “needs to be good”. I don’t really understand this. We remain very good friends and continue to get on very well. DH knows about A and is happy for me to see him as a friend or sexually. But I’m getting to the point now that I don’t know what to do. A seems unwilling or unable to have a sexual relationship with me. Originally when I found him on fab again afterward he said he had feelings for me too, but didn’t elaborate. I understand that he is most likely protecting himself, but I now find myself in this position where I want him in a physical sense and it hurts. I am confused by some of the things he says and does sometimes. For example I’ve bought him things over the years for his birthday and Christmas. He had bought me things in return. This year I bought him some things for Valentine’s Day without mentioning it and he had bought me things too. For my birthday he spent a lot of money on me, buying me a number of things and again for Easter he bought me quite an expensive egg. I’m really at a loss because I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I feel that my feelings are going to ruin things eventually. Do I let him go? Do I approach asking about a sexual relationship again? I’m so confused!