Help Requested - Husband Not Helping With Toddler

[Romansolider2014]

Hi all..

No trolls please - genuinely seeking opinions and AIBU.

We have a beautiful little girl (18 months). My husband and I both work. I work 4 days a week, husband 5. I earn more than double what he does, it has never bothered me but am giving context. Fridays I am either with our daughter or doing washing, house/bill admin etc. We don't have grandparent/family help.

When I finish work (I WFH) i collect our girl, play/snack time, bath and bed. If my husband gets home, he wants to eat and not help. He then comes up just before putting her to bed to help put on her PJs and say good night. I also take our daughter to nursery in the AM, but we alternate getting her ready.

This weekend, I looked after our toddler Fri, Sat and Mon on my own (nursery closures) and my husband worked. He didn't help when he got home (he works 9 - 5.30), meaning my days were 7 to 7 (minimum), then making dinner, dishwasher, folding clothes in the evening.

I don't want to meter everything, but at the same time, I feel like because I work 4 days, I am shouldering the majority of parenting. I love my daughter but sometimes i feel frazzled. It is nuking my attraction to him and I resent him, am snappy and tired.

AIBU? What do other women do (who work less hours than their husbands)? I feel like I am past asking for my husband to do his share. We've talked about it before, several times. I feel like splitting may be on the cards, but I wanted to see if anyone else had pulled a similar situation round, and how they did it.

*edit - am shouldering the majority of parenting and house admin as I work 4 days. AIBU?

I had this and it ruined my marriage to be honest. I can’t ever feel the same way about him after shouldering it all for years. I wish I’d sorted it out or left him when my child was little

I think it's reasonable that IF you have time on your 'day off' (which isn't a day off when looking after a toddler) to do additional house jobs then that's appropriate but in terms of parenting when you're both in the house it should be shared! I think this is a larger issue though. It's a shame when he gets home he's not dying to see her/spend time with her having not seen her all day? It'd only be an hour of childcare when he gets in! Evening chores should also be shared if you're both in! Good luck in sorting it OP but I think you need to be really transparent with him x

I agree with @missing about evenings and weekends. Read your post back to yourself, but in place of the words "help" or "helping" use "share the load fairly". He is a parent too, he shouldn't see it that he is helping YOU out. Changing the language you both use may help to change the behaviour, but at the least it should help you to be able to make your point to him.

Please read the below. I can’t take credit for it, it was posted on another site (not Mumsnet)... but it’s definitely required reading for you.

This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

I think that the only thing that might work, and it's by no means certain, is an ice cold talk about how you feel about it and how close you are to splitting over it. Idle threats and reminders are useless, you need to really mean it, he has to get that you really mean it.
All time when you are both home is time you are equally busy or equally chilling. He never gets to sit relaxing while you work your arse off because it's just patently not right.
If he can't recognise the iniquity and make real changes, you have your answer. Put the wheels in motion. I assume if you out earn him 2:1 you can live independently.

@pog100

I think that the only thing that might work, and it's by no means certain, is an ice cold talk about how you feel about it and how close you are to splitting over it. Idle threats and reminders are useless, you need to really mean it, he has to get that you really mean it. All time when you are both home is time you are equally busy or equally chilling. He never gets to sit relaxing while you work your arse off because it's just patently not right. If he can't recognise the iniquity and make real changes, you have your answer. Put the wheels in motion. I assume if you out earn him 2:1 you can live independently.

I agree, however difficult it is make sure you are very clear with him how it makes you feel. Good look OP

One cooks tea, one puts child to bed (including bath and story) alternate evenings

Sat you get a lie in he gets child up, fed and dressed. Sun he does.

Friday do the washing and tidy up

The rest of the house work/life admin divided equally

Always useful when he is sitting on his arse at the weekend doing nothing to point out that if he doesn't pull his finger out he will be getting EOW

I work 4 days and do the majority of pick ups, drop offs and general feeding, washing and putting to bed in the week. I’m wfh at the moment so do more of the laundry and stuff like putting away the online food delivery. On weekends we’re equal. I have less free time overall but no so much as has made me resentful.

I would ask him to think about what is in this relationship for you. What does he contribute to the family?

Ask him if he thinks that not having his washing, admin and the resentment you feel towards him would make your life better.

I think it may work to help him think about how he would feel to have this other adult around that did not contribute.

Have a frank talk with him. You seem to be doing all the household and family work.The income bit, I would not mention.

If you were a SAHM, I could understand, but you are not.

Both of you live in the house, and you are both parents.

If you have never done so before, give him jobs to do. A 'Could you give DD her bath while I cook/fold these clothes/mop floor/whatever?' is a lot better than resentment.

@WizardOfAus hit the nail on the head - I’m saving that!

If you are unhappy or it feels unfair - then it isn’t right. No one wins.

You deserve better - you should be teaming it!

You have to have a blunt conversation.
If he is the type to immediately get defensive then instead of the “you don’t do enough” route you could say “I need you to help more” - I don’t actually think you need to sugarcoat it but this makes it harder for him to gaslight you, if you go in from a place of need rather than critique.

If he doesn’t see the inequity or admit there is a problem and your share of house admin and parenting isn’t equally split then you need to have a serious think about whether this is the future you want.

If your partner is happy to sit on his arse and watch you work and parent yourself to exhaustion then he is not a good person.

This doesn't get better. It's not helping, it's parenting and pulling his weight in life. I'd not have another child with him and would look at leaving.

Don't couch it as 'helping'.

Absolutely do not use the word HELP. Because what that does is make the task yours and your alone, and anything he does is a favour, a bonus - and it's so fucking not!

It is time to have The Talk. I see you've done this before ("We've talked about it before, several times."). What was the outcome of these several times? Did he acknowledge his behaviour? Did he mouth meaningless platitudes, promise to try harder and not follow through? Did you believe him?

I think you should read and ponder what WizardOfAus posted (Mon 05-Apr-21 14:36:22) because it really is excellent.

The particularly pertinent, in my opinion -

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

I am relieved that you are not trapped by finances.

This is so similar to my situation. He did nothing. Zero. I was at the point of exhaustion. We are divorced now. I am a single mum and im so much happier. Its hard dont get me wrong. But its harder when you have a lazy, lying bastard in the house who wont lift a finger to help.

@Ohpulltheotherone,
"If he is the type to immediately get defensive then instead of the “you don’t do enough” route you could say “I need you to help more” '

Not help more but
“I need you to pull your weight”

I had this with my DH when our eldest was little. He’d “help” by doing the dishes every so often 😡 it very nearly broke us up.

We sat down and had a very frank conversation and we agreed that: while one parent is at work, the other parent cares for the toddler (we had no childcare like nursery etc), if there was time to get housework done, then the person at home would do what they could. But toddler comes first.

Then when both of us are home, everything is 50:50 - housework, childcare etc.

I did a board with all the jobs on that I’d do through the week so he knew exactly what needed doing (he wouldn’t even think for a second about cleaning windows or wiping kitchen cupboards etc)

It’s worked out for us, he’s now fully on board with housework and childcare (thank fuck!) we’ve just had our second.

@Flappityflippers1 has summed up what you need to do.

He's obviously selfish, a shit husband and a shit father.

Make sure your contraception is sorted.

Please don't waste years with him.

Clearly you are well capable of doing it on your own.

Ask him to move out.

He contributes nothing and is a shit disinterested father.

You need to go the nuclear option.

Maybe he will step up, but honestly 18 months in, I think this is who he is.

A selfish waster.

I wouldn't be having more children with him.

I would be organising myself to separate.

I wouldn't spare his feelings.

He's a selfish waster.

Move on an look after yourself.

Invariably life is easier emotionally not living with a lazy man.

So much less stress.

You could try this (no, you shouldn't need to and yes, it is another thing for you to action but it helps to make things crystal clear)

You need a really large sheet of paper........

Write down everything you can think of that needs doing. Start with work.

Work
Washing up
Drying up
Putting away
Wiping drainer
Wiping round sink
Etc

Then as you go along everything you do goes on the list (broken down like this it will be a very long list.....)

Every time one of you does anything on the list put your initial next to it so for instance at the end of the week you will have 4 initials next to work and he will have 5. But you might have 15 initials next to washing up (3 times a day for 5 days) and he might have 6 (being generous here)

Anyway, you get the idea.

No more asking, pleading or getting upset, just keep on adding things to the list as you do then and initialling the ones already on there.

It quickly becomes really obvious who is doing the most. And after 2 weeks if he hasn't aknowleged the problem and started to do more you have your answer, and your next question to yourself is "do i accept this for the rest of my like or not?"

It seems laborious at first but actually I think sometimes they honestly don't realize. If this is the type you have then this exercise will be a lightbulb moment for him. And some simply don't care in which case it's a lightbulb moment for you.

If he earns so much less than you, why has your job taken the backseat?

Personally I think you need to reset things. He should also drop a day working, and you should share household stuff and childcare evenly.