I'm so confused. My husband has many issues. He seems to be an attention seeker, always seeking validity esp from other women. Pretty sure he has mommy issues bc his mother was an alcoholic. He was molested by a much older female sitter at 9 while mommy was in rehab and daddy was out playing. He put me through hell for years prior to marriage even and we were on and off...a lot. Finally I left him and actually began seeing another man. I really liked this man. That actually made my husband open his eyes and he thought he lost me this time for good. What does he do? Begs me to come back and marry him. Yes obviously my dumb but did it. I did it bc I wanted to get my little girl back. His parents had her bc of his drug problem and my inability to care for them both as a result my mental health was suffering.
Things were great the first 3 months. He was working steady, a miracle...and making a genuine effort to be supportive and help around the house. Then the shoe dropped he began using again and it all went south. I found myself working mad overtime to try to mk up the difference, exhausted, resentful and depressed. I took to my room. Every day. In the last 18 months I cannot even believe some of the things I've seen, heard, experienced and found out about the man I thought I knew and tried to put renewed faith in.
He recently left for rehab again thank God. It was getting to be unbearable to be around him. He was short, snotty, critical and always suspicious. I have an important job at my company and again he cant keep one so I'm working 55 to 60 hours a week. Every time I turn around I keep having " the time you cheated on me with Kris" thrown in my face and being accused of it when he is the one up on his phone all hours of the night because of the drug.
So I'm looking through papers in a tote for my car title and come across some AA Stepwork he had been doing. I thought maybe if I look at it I'd find some evidence of good intent on his part to help renew a bit of faith and not give up on my marriage. Quite the opposite. I found a multiple page list of resentments. I can tell you many of the pages were my name and what a list of things he resented me for! Interesting. Then the real blow. There in his own handwriting a sobering list of things he resented h UK myself for which included sev we omens names that he used ffg or sex, money and drugs prior to me. Then there was the girl he used drugs to "coerce" her into sexual acts with. The fact that he lied to me and many others that he was raped while jailed for a DUI. Here's where my heart actually STOPPED. Let a man give me a blowjob for 300$ worth of crack...let a difft man watch me masturbate for $100. WHAT? WHEN? Before me? Since me? Since the marriage? WHEN? Who are you dude? When I questioned him about it he calmly explained he planned th o discuss it with me but could not find the words or the right time. My answer, ANYTIME before the wedding! Then I had it turned around on me because I should not have read that. It was his personal private AA Step work. Um....no! I was contemplating divorce prior to this. His excuse is he was so messed up on the drugs back then.....hes been pretty messed up on them from 3 months into the marriage on. How could I ever trust him again or look at him the same? I'm not even going to approach the problem with hvg sex with him again after this info. I'm mortified. I have gay friends. They're my friends, I love them. However they arent my lovers or my husband. I'm at a loss and my depression is at an all time high. I dont think there's any going back after this. I just keep getting this picture in my mind of him "ENJOYING" his oral sex being performed on him by a dude. It has definitely done a number on how I'm feeling about myself as well. He wants to work it out. I dont want him back in my home. I obviously dont know him. I'm lost.