Does anyone else’s mum just suck the life out of you?

[Fightingback16]

My god. I’ve been living with my mum for a while during this virus and I can’t take anymore....I’m going back home soon for my own sanity.

She is a glass half empty kind of person. She has nothing nice to say about anything, everything is negative or a jibe or a subtle put down. I don’t think she knows it but she can’t say anything nice even just to lie.

My brother left when he was 18, over 28 years ago and never really bothers, my dad was miserable before he died. It’s started to negatively effect me and I feel depressed living here.

I look at people on the tv desperate to see there family and I can’t wait to run away from this.

I’m glad I’m not alone in this. It does make me sad though I don’t have a mum to confide in, I have a mum to hide things from. It has rubbed off on me, I was never taught how to be optimistic so it’s difficult to learn how to be this.

Last time I saw my mother (11 years ago now) she was just like this. My God, it was so draining! Relentlessly negative about EVERYTHING...even down to television news presenters, complete strangers in shops. Always completely unfounded. At the time my younger brother was living with her, so it wasn't like she having to cope on her own - and she was only 68.

It was a good object lesson for reminding me of why I'd moved to the other side of the world from her in the first place, 15 years previously. Back then I made the mistake of letting her live with me after my divorce and her attitude drove me to a nervous breakdown and attempting suicide. The pandemic has been a 'blessing' in that it's a good excuse for not visiting - and probably will be for at least the next year.

Both my parents have got like this as they've got older. They have made some poor financial choices and have little left over after food and essentials (but spend a lot on food and drink). There house is run down and old fashioned. Anybody who does anything new to their house is sneered at and pulled to pieces, including me!
' A new sink!? Why are you having a bew kitchen sink, what a waste of money, 20 years old is nothing, how wasteful' .
I now respond to them cheerily with 'yes mum, a new sink, can you imagine, I really am living the champagne lifestyle'. I spend my time literally disagreeing with everything they say about everyone!

I know exactly how you feel. My dad was ill at the start of the first lockdown so I got into the habit of calling my mum every day to make sure they were coping and over a year later i'm still stuck doing it. If I miss a day she calls me instead so it's neverending.

I find it physically exhausting as I've always made the most out of life and mum is the complete opposite.

This thread is making me feel so much better - thank you. I’m not alone! I’m not going mad! I’m not a mean-spirited cow!

Yes. Very negative. Everything is the fault of immigrants. Will develop a problem over nothing with friends and neighbours that have bent over backwards to show her kindness. Exhausting. I have to psych myself up to pick up the phone or visit. I'm lucky that I have the best MIL in the world but it makes me sad that my relationship with my own mum is such an effort.

Glad it's not just me. I feel like my mental health has plummeted after spending five minutes with her. I try and try, because you only get one mum, but it's like she never ever got over her childhood. And then I remember that I've had therapy to get over mine, and that's a privilege. She's a good person, she just has no self awareness. How do we make sure we don't morph into someone our children avoid??!!

So why are you still there OP? No excuses about the pandemic. Just go!

My mum is almost entirely negative and pretty toxic really. A fun sponge who is either conspicuously silent/awkward in company or using all the oxygen to talk about herself.

I envy all those people for whom their mum is an inspiration, a rock, a confidant. Mine didn’t even check I was ok when she knew we had Covid.

I would never turn to her if I had a problem, my main aim in life has been to not turn out like her.

My dad was/is absent (divorce when I was young) and I’ve spent my whole life feeling I have no safety net, whether that is emotional or financial.

Hugs to all those in the same circumstances.

I’m so sorry that you are all having to go through this. I only had my mum for just over 20 years but I think just about the only negative thing I ever heard her say was that the next door neighbour needed to think hard about smoking in the house before taking her son repeatedly to the doctor wondering why he always had chest problems. I think that was literally it, apart from telling us off when we deserved it.
Her mum my gran was pretty much the same into her 80s. Always lots of good things to say about people and the negative things were understandable concerns or upset at news stories eg Lockerbie bombing upset her tremendously.
Both lived modest lives with not a lot of money and didn’t have the holidays etc that some of their friends did but they always seemed keen to hear about whoever’s trip abroad with no obvious envy. My gran once said she had been taught to count her blessings and so I presume she brought my mum and aunt up like that - my aunt is also very positive. I think there is a lot to be said for that. But I don’t know how you get that across to folks who are determined to be negative.
My MIL also has a good phrase - it wouldn’t do for us all to like the same things. She says that if anyone comments on someone’s choice of car, holiday, decor etc. She doesn’t like that kind of negative opinion about other peoples choices.
So I’m very lucky I think, even though I still miss my mum.

@Maray1967

I’m so sorry that you are all having to go through this. I only had my mum for just over 20 years but I think just about the only negative thing I ever heard her say was that the next door neighbour needed to think hard about smoking in the house before taking her son repeatedly to the doctor wondering why he always had chest problems. I think that was literally it, apart from telling us off when we deserved it. Her mum my gran was pretty much the same into her 80s. Always lots of good things to say about people and the negative things were understandable concerns or upset at news stories eg Lockerbie bombing upset her tremendously. Both lived modest lives with not a lot of money and didn’t have the holidays etc that some of their friends did but they always seemed keen to hear about whoever’s trip abroad with no obvious envy. My gran once said she had been taught to count her blessings and so I presume she brought my mum and aunt up like that - my aunt is also very positive. I think there is a lot to be said for that. But I don’t know how you get that across to folks who are determined to be negative. My MIL also has a good phrase - it wouldn’t do for us all to like the same things. She says that if anyone comments on someone’s choice of car, holiday, decor etc. She doesn’t like that kind of negative opinion about other peoples choices. So I’m very lucky I think, even though I still miss my mum.

Helpful...

Oh god, me!!! 'Puts hand up and waves'

My DM is a complete dementor. She can find the most cheerful and lovely thing and find something negative about it. When I gave her flowers for Mother's Day, she commented that she didn't really like gardenias. (News to me. I inwardly eyerolled HARD at that one...)

Another example:
Me: Ooh, the garden looks glorious!! The daffodils look so cheerful...
DM: well, daffs don't last long. They'll be dead soon and I'll have to tidy it all up.
Me: 🙄

I sound flippant but it genuinely gets to me sometimes. She's a very strange person. Has very few friends, very opinionated and isn't that old (mid 60s) although has a plethora of health issues to constantly complain about (but not actually address).

Two things have helped:
My DH is brilliant with her. He bats back any negativity with a positive, eg. DM- oh, it's going to rain all day.
DH: Yes, it's great! Garden could do with a good soak and we can stay in watching movies!!!

Secondly, I have realised that she gets a weird sort of enjoyment about moaning. She's only happy when she has something to complain about.

I honestly don't know how my DDad put up with it for so long. I can only take it in short bursts.

Hang on in there. Can you move? The thought of having to live with my mother fills my heart with dread.

I was thinking about how mine drains the life out of me the other day but I think it’s for different reasons to OP. So apologies for hijacking the thread but it seems more sensible to ask on here if anyone else has a similar mother than to start my own similar thread:

The minute I see my mother I feel like all the juice has rapidly drained from my batteries. Just seeing her in person for seconds makes me want to crawl into bed. She has narcissistic (or histrionic - never sure which) tendencies. Everything is about her and she is the queen of self promotion. She is very falsely positive all the time but it never comes across as natural and inspiring, it comes across as fake and arrogance. She never asks how anybody is and only talks about herself and her accomplishments at length. It’s got worse and worse over the past 10 years to the point that I now find her unbearable and my body just shuts down in response to being in her presence. I feel terrible about it! It’s my mum! I used to really love her but she is not the same person any more. The traits that were mild and a bit irritating earlier in her life were unbearable from the age of 60 upwards. Everyone has missed their mums so much this past year and I haven’t and I feel dreadful about it.