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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help i don't know what to do!

13 replies

Justme09 · 05/04/2021 08:29

So where to begin... I've been with my partner 17 years we have 2 children together.
we move into his dads house temporarily 7 years ago and have never moved out! He now says he needs to stay and look after his dad but I hate it here. I've put on 5 stone hate the way I look and our sex life is none exist unless its something quick to sort hi out!
He no longer works and im the only one cooking and cleaning plus working!
I really think its time I left but I know my youngest daughter will hate me for it! What do I do?

OP posts:
PurpleSneakers · 05/04/2021 08:50

Unless things get intolerable, they don’t change. You have reached that point. It is no longer tolerable for you to live here, so it sounds like it is ultimatum time! I would spell it out to your OH in no uncertain terms that you can’t live like this anymore, and if alternative housing is not arranged by a certain date, that you will have no choice but to leave.

While it sounds like your self esteem may be contributing to your limited to sex life, possibly your housing situation isn’t helping either?

That sounds rubbish about his lack of contribution (both financially and domestically), but it does perhaps sound like you may be enabling this by doing it all. Again, clear communication about what you would like, to be achieved by (insert date) or else consequence (you are leaving). Tbh, he doesn’t sound like a great catch atm!

Isadora2007 · 05/04/2021 08:52

Sounds like there are several issues here-

Living with his dad
Him not working
You gaining weight
Lack of sex

Can you actually break them down into what needs to change for each area?

PriestessofPing · 05/04/2021 08:57

What are his dads needs? Is he caring for him? If he doesn’t work or clean what does he do?

Justme09 · 05/04/2021 10:08

Thank you for all your replies, I agree with the enabling as if I don't do it he wont.

Its a combination of all areas i really hate living here, the fact I've gain weight and without sounding awful my partner cares for his dad but he does guilt my partner into a lot things that he could do himself

I've asked my partner for the last 4 week to collect a treadmill from my sister so I can work out and each time he refuses. I dont drive and she doesn't.

I feel like my life is on hold but my children are growing up around me and I'm just stuck here. I never have any money left each month as he takes it all for bills and food shopping

OP posts:
Dery · 05/04/2021 10:30

Why isn’t he working, OP? And why does he take all your money? Also, why do you think your DD will hate you for leaving him?

You sound like you are giving endlessly and everyone else is taking. Remember that your DD is learning from you that wives and mothers do nothing but give and martyr themselves. That’s a damaging lesson. Also growing up round a father who doesn’t work. Unless there’s a good reason for it, that’s also a bad example.

Justme09 · 05/04/2021 10:53

He lost his job during lockdown but he hasn't held proper job in 10 years

We owe towards the house and im only working just over part time he sorts it all with his dad

My youngest daughter loves her dad more than anything. She does anything for him where we im at work and when not at work busy doing house work so I don't spend the time I should with her ( I have mum guilt) he gives into her all the time im always the bad one

OP posts:
PurpleSneakers · 05/04/2021 10:59

What positives does your partner bring to the relationship?

Bananalanacake · 05/04/2021 11:04

I would have no respect for a man who hasn't worked properly in 10 years. Has he no pride, if he worked would you be able to rent or buy somewhere.

Ariela · 05/04/2021 11:08

I've asked my partner for the last 4 week to collect a treadmill from my sister so I can work out and each time he refuses. I don't drive and she doesn't.

Ask online on a local FB group if anyone can help with this.

Wanderlusto · 05/04/2021 11:37

Wow your husband has a cheek! Expecting you to run around after him and his dad like a skivy! Of course he does not want to move out. He has his bestie and a live in maid service right there whilst he sits on his ass.

Personally I would move out, as a single woman, your kid will get over it. It's not like she can't stay with dad half the time if you leave and stay nearby. Plus it does damage to her seeing you stay and tolerate his shite. She may grow up thinking its normal for a woman to run around after men like this.

Alternatively, stop doing any cooking or housework that is specially for his dad (washing, any extra cooking ect) And tell your partner that if he wants to stay then he has to take sole responsibility for that stuff. And that he also pick up his half of the housework in general. And look for a job. Even if it's just something part time. If he doesn't, get gone.

Sex wise...do you actually want to shag him? Also,
does he release your needs? No. So why are you helping him and him not you? I'd tell him you arent doing it anymore as you feel uncomfortable doing so in his fathers house. Bet he'll soon bloody move out then xD

Ok weight wise: Exercise gets you fit and that helps with weight loss but I found that actually losing weight is 90% about diet. Evidence wise, I took up walking for 1 hour every day six days per week and felt a lot better for it - but lost no weight. None. But when I changed my diet I dropped two-three pounds per week. So instead of prioritising the treadmill I would look at changing your diet. This might be hard if you are cooking the meals for everyone as you may have to cook separate meals for you. But if you want to lose weight then it's a necessity to eat healthy. I used weight watchers/slimming world as a guideline personally.

bluebell34567 · 05/04/2021 11:49

i would leave soon.

Dery · 05/04/2021 13:21

If he’s not working, he should be doing the bulk of the domestic work. Also, if you’re only working just over part time, you shouldn’t be struggling to find time to spend with your daughter. This set-up sounds all kinds of wrong and your DD is learning very unhelpful lessons about what being an adult and a spouse entails.

Sunflower1970 · 05/04/2021 19:21

Your daughter will forgive you - this situation is intolerable. Start making plans to exit this very unhealthy situation

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