Lonely - no friends!

[Tiredtexter]

Hi all, I’m struggling in a very lonely marriage to an alcoholic, I’ve posted about this before and not seeking advice on that front.

I have two teenage DC who do their own thing, I feel like over lockdown I’ve lost touch with what I thought were good friends. Only a couple have stayed in touch. As we start to emerge and restrictions ease I did get in touch about hooking up with said friends but all seemed really evasive. I’m very private and to be honest quite shy, but I would like to start developing new friendships. I know it sounds a daft question, but how do I do this in this climate??

It’s getting me very down and depressed especially with all the other challenges going on in my life. It’s hard seeing SM posts and neighbours having friends and family around when I don’t seem to have anyone! Please help.

Bless you OP. Firstly I'd stop looking at SM, that makes you feel like there's something wrong with you, there isn't trust me.

Secondly, I think re your friends, everyone has had a hard time this past year, people have been evaluating their lives, some becoming withdrawn, some questioning their existence. I have to say, I'm not champing at the bit to get out there again, and I'm perceived as being fairly sociable.

Thirdly, it's hard actually trying to make friends in this climate, you need to meet, a bit like dating. You can join groups, say Meetup or Ramblers, IF you find a friend/s that's a bonus, so go with something you'd like to do. The key to finding friends, is a constant connection, a hobby/interest, where you meet regularly. It's not easy but can be done, and it won't be long till things start easing.

Could you look to join groups for those affected by alcoholics OP? There's bound to be some online, at least, and it would offer support now and possibly friendship later. I second the above PP's ideas about Meet Up groups etc. A good place to start at this difficult time.

Thank you both for replying. I totally agree about friends evaluating their lives, I think that’s what happened to some and it feels like I’m no longer part of it!

I’m going to look into Al-Anon, it feels so lonely in this marriage, I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself lately which I’m working through in therapy. I’m finding recently I’m really struggling with lack of social connections and deciding on a hobby in lockdown! I really haven’t a clue what to pursue! There’s no pressure as such, just a deep pit of despair at having no one to connect with.

I have very few, and no one to have a coffee with or glass of wine. Makes me sad too. My marriage is good with teens too, but he has other friends and I don't which gets me down

Volunteering for a local civic society group/ charity/ church could be a good route. They tend to be very welcoming to a diverse range of people, and bringing value to others can be a positive experience for both them and you. Could be very confidence-boosting.

@Drawingablank I didn’t think about this, thank you I’m going to look into.

@cheninblanc it’s hard not having friends for this, everyone seems to be excited for restrictions ending so they can have park or coffee get togethers. I’m going to make a start and look into this, anxiety and confident depending as mine has been shot to smithereens lately.

Do you talk to your friends about your marriage at all? Do they know about your husband's alcoholism? I ask only because I find it really tricky to be friends with someone who doesn't mention such large, important parts of their lives. I don't mean you should talk about it all the time, but acknowledge it with them. I know you say you are very private and shy but they will know already something is not right. It stops the other person opening up if it's not equal sharing and the friendship can't deepen.
If it's not that, then I have found recently that everyone is extremely lonely from lockdown and bravely asking, 'fancy going a walk next week?' has resulted in many social meetings with people who were associates rather than friends. I honestly can't believe how easy it was, I've been lonely for years! Best of luck op.

I feel the same way OP. I have a difficult marriage and spend a lot of time on my own. I’ve decided to look for a new job so I can meet new people and I’m thinking of doing a course. To make friends you have to have something in common and do things together. This last year has been chronically lonely

I am in a similar position - and as my DCs have got older, gone too are the 'school mum' friendships.
Sometimes it gets me down but then I read a thread about a toxic friendship and I think well it's not always good!
But I agree that looking for a hobby first seems to be a good way to do it.
Good Luck!

@makemineabrew @MumofSpud thank you for your support, I’ve been in toxic friendships years back and am grateful for being away from all that too! I work from home so that’s been hard and isolating.

@Saltnsauceta it’s really not that easy to tell friends about husband alcoholism, I share most things and those friendships where I could confide have now gone. Can I ask, when you say they’ll know, how will they? I’m confused and concerned by this comment, is this why they’ve been evasive? They don’t really see him as we don’t socialise together, never have.

Thank you both for replying. I totally agree about friends evaluating their lives, I think that’s what happened to some and it feels like I’m no longer part of it!

It may 'feel' like it, but you don't know that's the case. If you feel low in confidence, it's easy to look at things this way. Maybe now you are allowed to meet up, why not try actually setting a date, give them a few, not just throw out a 'we must meet up' kind of remark.

I do not have a wide circle of friends, the ones I do don't know each other either, so I find myself (in the olden days) out a lot of the time because of meeting individually. I have FT or walked with these people, so not really gagging to meet up!

Al-anon sounds a good 'safe' place to start (safe meaning sharing sensitive feelings). You'll have a common bond, that helps enormously.

Happy Easter OP

@lothermand happy Easter to you too. I’m going to look into Al-anon to talk and share with those that understand, no one knows about DH - I told one person and they were not very supportive, a family member.

I’ve given dates but I must have looked pushy as one said she’d get back to me so felt a bit low after that. It’s why I posted on here as if I’m quiet no one gets in touch, if I bite the bullet and ask I get vague commitments, I guess with lockdown anxiety.

Ahh you've tried. I, at this point, would be thinking it is all about me, all the negatives, but because these times are not 'normal' I'd put that to one side for a while.

Be proactive to get out there once you can, let these friendships run alongside your new beginnings.

As one who is great at giving advice and not taking it (sometimes) please don't let these 'bumps' get in the way of you progressing. If your friends are meant to be in your life, they should know you well enough to be in your life, whatever is going on for them, and no doubt there probably is something.

Sorry, meant to add..telling g someone and not receiving support is really a blow isn't it? But not everyone is like that, so please don't give up

Thanks for your support @lothermand, it probably sounds like I’m a drainer friend, I’ve talked more on here than in RL. I think most people wouldn’t guess there is something going on in my life as I keep it positive, not in a too good to be true way, more I talk generally about life and issues, they would not pick up on me living with an alcoholic issue. When I finally did open up, it was insinuated that I was the issue, perhaps I am??

It’s upset me a lot lately being lonely and feeling isolated. Today a friend has let me down with her behaviour, but I like what you said about new beginnings alongside this other stuff, so I will see what happens.

I doubt very much you are a drainer friend@Tiredtexter. The person you spoke to has no idea what's going on in your life, you probably only gave them a snapshot, you will find support, and it's usually in places you least expect.

When you are feeling low and sensitive, every little thing (not suggesting for a minute these are little things for you) becomes enormous and sets you back that bit more.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, that'll do for now. The bluebells will be out (saw a few yesterday) very soon, the blossoms are out already, and nature is a wonderful place to clear your head. Spring is here..enjoy the beauty, and you will see other equally beautiful things for you on the horizon

Tiredtexter- did you have an abusive childhood?
Alanon would be good for you.
Meet-ups - when up and running.
Voluntary work
Look on Next Door website - local to you - they have lots of local groups on there.
Local walking groups - ramblers association.
Local singing groups/drama groups.
Community college courses - ie floristry - needlecrafts.
Local libraries sometimes have pop in groups.
Join the gym/fitness class.

I’m sorry you are married to an alcoholic - if you did have an abusive childhood - look up Adult Children of Alcoholics AND dysfunctional families.
I’m in south east London and am happy to have a phone call with you.
You can choose or not to private message me.
💐

Maybe if you post where you live (county) there might be others who would like to meet up?

Hello op.

Some great advice already on this thread, but I'd like to add...

My experience is that NOT everyone is champing at the bit to go to meet ups. A portion of the whole are feeling anxious about it, and the effect of the lockdown is being felt.

It's not just you.

And I had a really hard time the other week, worrying about a new friend group I thought I'd made, only for very few to reciprocate contact during lockdown. So I worried about it and felt bad, but then I heard from one and was invited to an outdoor gathering during which he said the very same. 'Matey hasn't contacted me so hmm.' I thought, we are eating ourselves through our aloneness here, all of us, quietly feeling the same way!

On the matter of whether your friends arent getting closer because they sense the matter of the alcoholism, and perhaps your unhappiness, maybe its worth thinking about? It wouldn't put me off at all. I've not had a perfect life. Do any of them know? And how do you feel about the fact that constantly trying to live your best life in close proximity to a rather large and glaring problem? But that's a separate issue. I doubt it precludes you friends.

X

Thank you everyone, it is so reassuring and helpful to post on here. I love bluebells and nature @lothermand

@Whydidimarryhim thank you for the suggestions. My childhood was not abusive, more neglectful at times as DP were shift workers. I’m going to look into volunteering and taking up a hobby. I am feeling a bit better opening up on here.

@something2say I agree with a lot of what you are saying, thank you, over this last year there has been a gradual withdrawal but it’s hard seeing those on SM and even neighbours posting about get togethers, I feel abnormal!

I don’t feel comfortable saying about DH I think I’ll start with Al-anon, even that feels scary to talk to others who are similar to me.

I am wondering why you are staying with him, and perhaps your friends are too? Why would you stay with someone that is making you feel so lonely. Surely if your marriage was better you could do things together, or with other friends and would not be so isolated. My friends and I very often socialise together with other couples. So maybe they are looking to do that in the future?

Things are reopening, and the opportunities to meet new people will get easier.

Don't give up on your old friends, some people are struggling to get back into it. I went to a lunch yesterday, and really wished I hadn't, and now don't want to go out again. I would give it time, if they are being evasive, it is probably because they are feeling evasive, and not quite ready to emerge just yet.

I found some of the nicest people I have ever met volunteering and felt I belonged to a community, also met lots of interesting people on a course I am attending virtually, soon to be in person.

@tiredtexter I don't mean to cause you anxiety when I say they'll know, I don't know what your friends have seen or heard from you or others 💐
What I was - rather badly - trying to say, is that if someone has something very large, like alcoholism is, going on in their lives, friends can pick up on 'something'. That means, if it's not spoken about, there's a feeling of why should I open up if they are not. Kind of like an elephant in the room when you're asked if you're fine and you say you are. I hope I've explained myself better this time. . .
If it's not that, then I second the advice to volunteer or join a group. Getting out of the house for a purpose, even if it doesn't result in new friends, will hopefully help you. It sounds like you're having a tough time and I'm glad talking on here is helping you too.

I agree with people picking up on “the elephant in the room “ but they may well give you space to initiate a conversation about it.
Definitely Nextdoor sites, local walking groups are laidback ways to get involved or not with people. More specific interest groups might suit you. It just depends who is there, and how you relate to them.
I’m sorry you feel lonely please feel free to message me if you want.