Does h not care

[Washingtofold]

I would like some advise on how to address an ongoing issue with my husband . It seems he just either doesn’t listen to me or doesn’t care particularly in relation to when I’m feeling unwell.
I suffer chronic migraine that will often give me pain and make me quite limited in being able to do vigorous stuff like long strenuous walks in through bush or go out In extreme heat . I do take medications daily to prevent as many attacks plus more meds if one starts but they are not 100% and and try to manage it as best I can
However even knowing I’m particularly unwell my husband will suggest hey let’s go here or there or let’s get on a motorbike and go for a ride or bushwalk or some other things even if he knows I’m really feeling crap . It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I explain to him or how sick he sees me he will still say these things
It really upsets me because it feels like he just doesn’t care. Is he trying to point out that I’m a burden or that he’d be better suited with someone else ? I’m not sure why he does it
Another example happened just today where he suggested we go bushwaking and i said ‘m yes that sounds good but nothing too much’ as I wasn’t feeling up to anything strenuou . He says yea this one I’ve done before is gentle so we went and of course it was a km straight down hill abd then we hit the next part which was down rocks into a gully and I said I just can’t. I feel headachy right now.
I never complain about him going anywhere or doing anything but I really feel down about this so I don’t think he is angry that I’m stopping him just that I’m not doing the things he does.
Suggestions

It doesn’t look good op. To completely disregard your feelings and health like that is not a sign of a loving healthy marriage. The fact you have tried talking to him on multiple occasions and he’s not taken your feelings on board speaks volumes. So sorry op 💐

How did he respond today when you got to the point in the walk where you couldn’t continue?

Is he asking you to go on outings while you're laid up with a migraine?

Or are you unable to go because you are concerned a migraine will develop?

The example you give with the short bushwalk - could you not continue because a headache had developed on the walk?

@gutful

Is he asking you to go on outings while you're laid up with a migraine?

Or are you unable to go because you are concerned a migraine will develop?

The example you give with the short bushwalk - could you not continue because a headache had developed on the walk?

Yes sometimes he will ask me to go when I have a migraine . And also I get auras prior to my migraines so sometimes I will say no because I know one is imminent . And yea I couldn’t continue because I could feel it developing

@Marriagegoingtoimplode

How did he respond today when you got to the point in the walk where you couldn’t continue?

He just said ok let’s turn around high we did . I’m more worried about why he keeps asking at times when he knows I’m not feeling well

Hi op, fellow migraine sufferer here. Has your H ever had a migraine? It took my DH to have one after a reaction to anesthesia for him to understand that it's not just a " bad headache" .
I'd try speaking to him one more time and directing him to inform regarding migraines, but if he still didn't get it then he is not the life partner for you.

Have you sought treatment for your migraines, a preventative maybe?

@MajorMujer

Hi op, fellow migraine sufferer here. Has your H ever had a migraine? It took my DH to have one after a reaction to anesthesia for him to understand that it's not just a " bad headache" . I'd try speaking to him one more time and directing him to inform regarding migraines, but if he still didn't get it then he is not the life partner for you.

No he’s never even had a headache so finds it very hard to understand I think especially considering that before treatment I was getting 15+ per month

@FuckyouCovid21

Have you sought treatment for your migraines, a preventative maybe?

Yes my neurologist had me on six tablets per day as a preventative for the last ten years and three monthly both which is 30 injections through my scalp . Even with that I unfortunately still get them at times

Sorry typo , Not had me , he HAS me . Has me I currently take meds and injections

It sounds as if you are chronically unwell: frequently unwell with migraines and married to a very physically active healthy person who wants to share his love of strenuous walks with you. Have you experienced migraines right from.the start of this relationship? Do you enjoy the strenuous walks with him when you do feel well?
He has to accept your health limitations, and go for his walks with a friend, and find gentler pursuits to share with you. It's not a very happy or compatible situation.

@joystir59

It sounds as if you are chronically unwell: frequently unwell with migraines and married to a very physically active healthy person who wants to share his love of strenuous walks with you. Have you experienced migraines right from.the start of this relationship? Do you enjoy the strenuous walks with him when you do feel well? He has to accept your health limitations, and go for his walks with a friend, and find gentler pursuits to share with you. It's not a very happy or compatible situation.

I had the migraines since we met twenty years ago and they actually occur less now that I’m in treatment . I can go weeks now without a migraine or I can have a couple in a week it’s unpredictable. When I’m well I’m happy to do stuff .

I should add that I’ve suggested he walk with friends or a group and he refuses and says only with me.

OP, is he caring and attentive in other ways?

Him wanting to spend time with you and not wanting to go out with others doesn't suggest the problem is a lack of overall love....

Is he very needy of you? Or do you think he is trying to keep you feeling central to him and is worried you will be down/ he's being a bad husband if he leaves you behind?

I am also wondering if he is a bit in denial about how sick you are? He's trying to pretend it's not there because he sent come to terms with it?

The other possibility seems to me that he thinks you have a better chance of being well if you don't let the illness limit what you do? That by leading a full, uncompromised life, you will feel better?

I think you need a good calm conversation with him about your illness and how you can both live with it well. Tell him that you've noticed he keeps asking you to do things, that this makes you feel guilty/ pressured/ can prompt worse health issues/ makes you worry that he doesn't want to be with you.... make a constructive suggestion (eg that YOU suggest activity when you feel up to it/ he accepts a 'no' when you say/ he goes out on his own and others.... that this, for you, would make you happy and feel like him loving and caring for you the way you need. Ask him if he needs something from you.

On the other hand, if he is uncaring of you/ oblivious to your needs in other ways then you have a much bigger problem.

Good luck!