Advice needed

[Elvisbaby321]

So I just wanted advice from other women who may have been or felt the same as me I’m turning 30 in October and I can’t help but feel worried that I’ve had no children yet or even found someone I’d want to have children with.

I feel like I’m letting life pass me by. I have a good stable job with people I get on with and it also pays very well. I unfortunately work nights 5 times a week so haven’t been able to go on the dating scene as even without covid I’m exhausted on my nights off and wouldn’t want to be getting dressed up to go to a bar or club in the off chance I meet someone.

So I’ve started online dating only problem is a lot of the guys want just sex or are ten years older then me and don’t want kids as they have them already or if I do meet a decent one there simply too far away.

I’ve also started looking into ivf and sperm donation and wondering if I should just go it alone if things get that bad like it’s been a few more years. I’ve never been much of a relationship person and most of the time I’m happier alone I haven’t really dated in my twenties.

I sometimes worry I won’t get the chance of having a child or even finding someone I can settle down with I’m not sure if I’m having some mid life crisis or if everyone goes through this when they turn 30?

It also doesn’t help both my sisters have kids as do my friends so at family events I’m the odd one out and there is that pressure from older people in my family to settle down with anyone whether I like them or not they seem to value me having a partner and child more then the fact I have a good job with decent wages and I help people and have just worked 60 hours a week through a pandemic for the past year (healthcare). Everyone just seems like they have there life together and I just don’t)

Sorry for the ramble it’s quarter to three in the morning and I haven’t been able to sleep properly for a long time just worrying and thinking about this.

Has anyone found love in there 30s? Is 30 that old? Should I be looking into sperm donation lol?

At not yet 30 you do have time....

I got divorced at 35 with no children and thought I’d never have kids (we’d been doing ivf). However I met someone else and had my son at 38.

Perhaps it might be a good idea to get checked out to make sure you have no issues preventing pregnancy? I had no idea I had endometriosis until I started trying and then couldnt conceive and ended up doing ivf

Do you actually want children? You say you’re happier single and that’s totally valid and fine, lots of women are.

Just because some members of your family place more value on a partner and kids, it doesn’t mean that’s what you should do. Have you ever thought through your own feelings about having children or always assumed you would because it’s what you are ‘supposed’ to do?

It’s hard being the odd one out but you sound like you have a job you love - why do you feel life is passing you by? Simply because of not having a partner and children, or for other reasons?

You have plenty of time, I wouldn't worry yet. Having said that I felt just like you did at 30, all my friends were married with kids and I felt I'd missed the boat. I met my DH when I was 34 (randomly in a restaurant), we had kids at 40. Later than I would have liked but there are definite advantages like being financially secure. Try not to worry xx

Thankyou it’s nice to hear gives me a little bit of hope lol

I think I always assumed I’d have kids by now I’ve always wanted children most people have a ambition they want to be ie doctor or vet I always wanted to be a mom I guess I’m just disappointed it hasn’t happened yet

I think women have more pressure put on them to settle down and have kids and I guess I’m feeling that pressure as much as I do love my job I do want to be a mom more I’m just not attracted to the guys I meet

Thankyou for your post how would I go about getting checked if I can get pregnant? I have a very irregular cycle so it is a concern how much did ivf cost you if you don’t mind me asking

I met my hubby at 31 and had first child at 34 so u have time. I felt the same as u when I was 30 then it all changed. Met him online and after a few months of dating I was upfront about wanting kids and my age etc

What are your chances of changing your shifts/job? Do you see yourself continuing night shifts long-term? While it may be a good job, it doesn't really seem to align with your life-goals very well? But maybe it's lack of imagination on my part.

You have plenty of time to find a partner and have children, but it seems to me that you might need to change your working pattern to get there.

I divorced my EXH at 32, with no kids. We were undergoing fertility testing when we separated as had been trying for children for years with no joy. I met my DP later that year and now at 34 I'm pregnant with my first. In all likelihood you still have plenty of time but it wouldn't be silly to check your fertility, in my local authority this can be done via NHS if you are a single woman checking fertility prior to trying with a donor, but I don't know if you would maybe need to go private in other authorities. I would suggest speaking to your GP first and foremost and they can point you in the right direction.

@category12

What are your chances of changing your shifts/job? Do you see yourself continuing night shifts long-term? While it may be a good job, it doesn't really seem to align with your life-goals very well? But maybe it's lack of imagination on my part.

You have plenty of time to find a partner and have children, but it seems to me that you might need to change your working pattern to get there.

I agree with you fully if it wasn’t for the fact of the pandemic I wouldn’t be working so many hours or nights however the place where I work is in care and a lot of people have left due to covid and simply not wanting to do the job anymore

So right now it probably won’t change however in the future I would be able to move on days if I needed to

Also I’m saving for a mortgage so trying to do as many hours as I can while I can before overtime is restricted again. But I do get what your saying might just be me being silly I try to remember I’m lucky that I’m in a well paid job and I can’t have everything just feeling down lately :(

@Tallybeebloom

I divorced my EXH at 32, with no kids. We were undergoing fertility testing when we separated as had been trying for children for years with no joy. I met my DP later that year and now at 34 I'm pregnant with my first. In all likelihood you still have plenty of time but it wouldn't be silly to check your fertility, in my local authority this can be done via NHS if you are a single woman checking fertility prior to trying with a donor, but I don't know if you would maybe need to go private in other authorities. I would suggest speaking to your GP first and foremost and they can point you in the right direction.

That’s lovely to hear I’ll speak to my gp first see what he says I’m probably just being silly it’s just how I’m feeling lately

@hesnearly3

I met my hubby at 31 and had first child at 34 so u have time. I felt the same as u when I was 30 then it all changed. Met him online and after a few months of dating I was upfront about wanting kids and my age etc

Glad I’m not the only one everyone else seems to have life worked out I’m just struggling lacking behind I’m happy you finally met someone and had a baby in the end hopefully I get there too eventually I think it easy now a days to put that pressure on yourself simply because your getting older

I haven't been in your exact situation but now I'm mid 40's I am seeing, looking around me, that the 'race to tick off life goals' really evens out one way or another. The people who seemed to have it all and made everyone wonder what on earth they were doing wrong have hit bumps in the road (illness, redundancy, divorce) and those who were missing a few ticks have turned a corner and something wonderful/totally different and unexpected has happened which alters everything. If I look back to myself and my peers at the age of 30 and had taken bets on where everyone would be in 10-15 years time I think most would have lost their stake. 😆
So, though it is easier said than done, try try try not to worry or compare where you are at. Just focus on what you want next (great progress for your mortgage) and try to leave the door of opportunity open for the things you want as much as I'd in your power to do. I'm not advocating being a fatalist and sitting back and waiting to see what happens, but I definitely think that if you keep being true to yourself, spend time with people who reflect your values that you improve the odds of what you want coming your way. Your feelings are valid and not unusual but try not to let other people's expectations ruin your story.

@RealisticSketch

I haven't been in your exact situation but now I'm mid 40's I am seeing, looking around me, that the 'race to tick off life goals' really evens out one way or another. The people who seemed to have it all and made everyone wonder what on earth they were doing wrong have hit bumps in the road (illness, redundancy, divorce) and those who were missing a few ticks have turned a corner and something wonderful/totally different and unexpected has happened which alters everything. If I look back to myself and my peers at the age of 30 and had taken bets on where everyone would be in 10-15 years time I think most would have lost their stake. 😆 So, though it is easier said than done, try try try not to worry or compare where you are at. Just focus on what you want next (great progress for your mortgage) and try to leave the door of opportunity open for the things you want as much as I'd in your power to do. I'm not advocating being a fatalist and sitting back and waiting to see what happens, but I definitely think that if you keep being true to yourself, spend time with people who reflect your values that you improve the odds of what you want coming your way. Your feelings are valid and not unusual but try not to let other people's expectations ruin your story.

Thankyou so much for your post you’ve made me feel a lot better I guess everyone feels this way especially when reassessing there 20s hopefully my 30s will be what I hope for

Absolutely, the comparing yourself is a very human thing to do and it doesn't really ever stop at any point in your life funnily enough. I was having a chat to my mum who is in her 70's and she was talking about who in her friends is still for and mobile and who is losing their quality of life eyesight etc... So, it is a good skill to develop to be able to dial it down so it doesn't take over your mind and colour your whole outlook on life cos what you compare might evolve through life but everyone does it, don't let it choke the fun out of your life. I find podcasts useful for resetting myself when I start going into a bit of a spiral like the one you were spinning in during the wee small hours. When I'm doing something mundane like housework i put a good podcast on and try on different outlooks which is super helpful for snapping me out of unhelpful circular thought processes.
This was a good one (though not sure if it would specifically be helpful to your current thought wrestling but it gives you an idea, and might be useful)
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3ct2ccs

Sorry that doesn't read very well, I didn't edit, on my phone and waffling off-the-cuff