This is the anniversary of me telling exDH it was over

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

A year ago today, he'd made me a lovely meal, candles etc, it was the day after our sons 6th birthday. We'd had loads of talks before and were 'trying'...
A few weeks into lockdown, I just sat there and the thought that he would expect sex, romance etc, just filled me with dread. He was devastated but a week later he thanked me, told me he knew I was right and that he would never have been the one to end it, would have just carried on unhappy.
We'd been going to counseling, we'd done all the talking, been unhappy for a few years, things had gone downhill since we'd had our daughter 10 years earlier..there were loads of happy times too, but they were usually when drinking, or holidays, even then I just couldn't ever be the one that was off duty, I did everything, I was the responsible one, the one who knew where everything was, what everyone was doing. If I'm honest, he is a lovely man, was totally in love with me, but I'd got together with him for the wrong reasons and I'd just fallen into living together and marriage...we probably could have been happy but his uselessness with the children, inability to talk about anything important, drinking and just at times selfishness had worn me down..I could have done more to not do everything and just carry on feeling resentful and as if I was carrying him, but I didn't. Instead I'd started to develop feelings for someone else and just used that fantasy (in my head) as a way to escape.

So, as I sit here, alone except for my two wonderful kids, who have coped so well and are as well adjusted and happy as it's possible to be after the year we've had, I feel a bit sad, a bit thoughtful really about what we could still have now, worried about my future as a single mum, but mostly hopeful and optimistic. In this year I've done loads of DIY to finish off the house, come to terms with the fact I might have to move out soon, managed to develop a friendly and really good co parenting relationship with him, we've done a Christmas together and apart, carried on working full time and managed not to get too much into debt...

He's been out for the day, and night today with a new girlfriend, who sounds perfect for him, he's stepped up as a dad, mostly, learning how to do things I always did for him, I've started a relationship with the friend I had feelings for and am living spending time with him, totally separate from the kids of course. He's showing me how it feels to have someone who is totally open and honest, able to tell me how he feels (exdh never, ever said he loved me, not once)
The kids and I have made new traditions, we've had fun, we've been through some really tough patches and uncomfortable situations, navigating life apart. He still drives me mad when he relies on me heavily for all the kid admin, or when the kids come home and I know they've only played on screens and he's forgotten to get them to have a bath or brush their teeth, but they enjoy time with him and I can ignore that stuff now because I don't have to deal with it.
Don't know why I'm writing this really, except that I feel a bit down I guess, but mainly just hopeful and optimistic and so glad I did it, I'm off the antidepressants I was on, life doesn't feel as overwhelming or sad as it did when we were together.

I could have so easily have stayed together, I'd be better off financially, I'd still be sure of having my beautiful home, I'd have companionship of a kind.
I was told by friends that life was just like that, being unhappy was the deal, a spark wasn't necessary, I would be lonely, skint, I wouldn't cope...I have, more than that, I've thrived.

I know that to some, leaving just because the spark had gone, because I wasn't in love etc, is not enough. I know I agonised over it for months, years really..I still feel I have to justify it sometimes to myself and others. But I'm so much happier, I love my time to myself, time with friends, with the children, I don't miss him, and I'm glad he's found someone and is happy. I hope we will be friends eventually and able to still show our kids their parents are happy apart and that we can both show them healthy relationships in the future.

I just wonder if there is someone like me a year ago out there who can relate and this might give them hope that things will be ok.

And if you got to the end of this, well done! Sorry, it's a bit self absorbed!

I'm in the middle of deciding whether to stay or go. This thread has given me a lot of hope for a nice life if I leave with DD so thank you for posting

@HornbeamLane I feel for you, it's so hard and never black and white. I'm lucky that I work full time, have a good job and lots of support but I still dragged it on for ages, I feel like we needed that time to get used to it and to feel I'd given it my best though.
I found the book too good to leave, too bad to stay, was good at helping me work it out. Best of luck to you, you will be fine x

Thanks for your post. I'm in the middle bit, we've not taken any steps on the house yet but we've recently had a talk where we (more so I) confirmed that there's no way back for us. The spark had gone, but we also had online infidelity on his side so massive trust and respect issues.

Things are amicable, we seem to be co-parenting well, but I'm aware that we might be too friendly at present, maybe we need some boundaries around texting/chatting. Keep it to just the kids. But I also recognise this is an adjustment period.

Another book recommendation: the Unexpected Joy of Being Single. Even if you don't plan to be single for long, it really helps you be at ease being on your own, helps you recognise certain traits in yourself when you're looking etc

Thank you for this post, @Theghostofchristmasarse
Like @HornbeamLane I'm deciding whether to stay or go. I've told him I'm not happy and have suggested couples therapy, mainly so I can feel I've tried. It feels selfish to leave when there's nothing really badly wrong, but the lack of spark is wearing me down and I think if I worked with men I'd be in danger of having an affair if anyone paid me a shred of attention.

@Febo24 and @nonflirtinghusband I feel for you, those few weeks and months after were horrible, we were stuck here together, looks my for rentals for him, trying to get along as the kids didn't know (another thing he left up to me, I had to tell our daughter alone)...I spent as much time out of the house as I could, spent evenings in my room, watching stuff on my laptop. Weirdly we had lots of family barbeque type evenings during that summer, which were always just horribly uncomfortable. Lots of talks about money, etc..
But we got through it, it took until August for him to move out, I remember a particularly horrible trip to IKEA to buy furniture..
I went into counseling almost knowing what I felt already, I'd had my own prior to that. It was when, after months of him sitting silently whilst I cried and asked for help and told him I was overwhelmed and struggling, he walked into counseling and did the charm, the oh I'm just a useless bloke routine, actually told the therapist that he let me do all the stuff because no one had ever taught him how to do it 😬 meaning looking after our children, picking up rubbish, cleaning a toilet....that sealed it really.

I definitely would have had feelings for anyone I think, someone just noticing how tired I was, how I was running on empty for 10 years of sleepless nights and carrying it all alone, bringing me a tea at work, that's all that did it.
The relief when you're out of that indecision is immense. It's not a switch though, I went through times of just thinking well I should just stay, wondering if there was anything left..

It's do hard, it continues to be hard, but I'm so glad I did it.

Been where you were,7 yrs ago!
Someone said to me at the time
"Happiness over Stability'.

I left exDh the next day.
In 7yrs, I met my partner, we have 2 DC and though financially, Its still a bit hard (New buisness) We (myself and 2 older DC ) are happier than before

ExDh stepped up and we've since had a really good relationship.
Its sad to think ' If only he had stepped up back then we could've still been together'
I lost the family home in the process, ExDH still there and its typically worth a lot now.
But, I would'nt change what happened.
Sometimes relationships just dont work out

It makes me so happy to read this! my ex moved out today, 6 weeks after I told him I didn’t love him anymore. I’ve really been wrestling with the decision the last few days as I know that things weren’t that bad and if I’d have been able to settle for what we had our dc would have grown up without knowing anything was terribly wrong. Most people that I have told haven’t been very supportive including my dm!

Anyway, he’s gone now and of course the fridge packed in as soon as he left so now I have to deal with that and try to keep the dc happy in a horrible cold bank holiday!