A few years ago I found out I had an older half sibling. No infidelity involved, other parent had been aware of the child all along, but their existence was kept secret from, well, pretty much everyone else.
Anyway, half sibling managed to make contact with our shared parent and everything was brought out into the open.
It's something I've really struggled with. It was really bad timing, not that there would ever have been a 'good' time I suppose. It was a significant factor in a mental health crisis, that I'm still not recovered from.
I don't really have any contact - I tried, initially, but I've not really 'connected' and, tbh, I don't really want to.
Anyway, that's the backstory. I've heard today that they're having some medical tests. Potentially serious, but I don't know any details at all.
I'm concerned in a sort of abstract way. Like if your neighbour told you their relative was having tests for something that might be serious. In a human way, but not in an emotionally connected way, if that makes sense.
I'm sort of worrying that I'm actively trying not to care - in a self protective sort of way. That by actively not caring I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt. I suppose my concern is that if the worst should happen, that I'm going to always regret not being more involved. But if I do get more involved I'm worried my mental health can't take it (I don't mean them being ill, I mean them being sort of present in my thoughts, at the moment I try to avoid thinking about them).
I just don't know what to do.
As a kid my DGM had a 'friend' that she met when I was about 12. He was a bit off putting, a bit too try hard, too familiar, over friendly. I was a teenager and resented him always being there. All family occasions, he was suddenly there too. I didn't like him, and I'm sure he knew it. I wasn't rude, just standoffish. Anyway, he died when I was about 16/17, and I truly regret not being nicer and more accepting. He was a nice man, he made DGM happy. I'm sure his manner that I found so off-putting was him trying to be likeable. The second I was told he'd passed away the guilt was overwhelming. It would have cost me nothing to be nicer, to pretend I liked him. It would have meant so much to him and cost me nothing.
I'm wondering if this is the same, that I could just open up to my half sibling, it would mean a lot to them and to our joint parent. It might cost me nothing. It might be OK. It might not be OK and it might push me into another crisis. I don't know what to do.
I might (and probably do) have years and years to grow into a naturally evolved relationship of some sort with them. Or these tests might be something serious and I might not have the chance, and I'll always wonder, and feel guilt for not being more accepting when I know how much it would mean to them.
I'm still not in a good place, mentally. I've had another crisis recently, I've just started some counselling and I don't feel strong enough to tackle this now. But what if it's now or never?
I'm aware I've rambled on. Thanks if you read this far.