When did you know to leave?

[CatRach]

How do you know when it’s over? If you have been together 12years, with 3 kids. Feel cannot leave, not sure if I want to BUT we never touch, I don’t like sex with him, don’t find him attractive, he annoys me a lot of the time! He tries to initiate sex - mostly when I’m asleep which kind of feels like he is waiting until I am least likely to resist ( or even notice?!) he tried recently when I was fast asleep and It occurred to me that it was basically non consensual but maybe I’m
Overreating.We just don’t have much in common anymore. All
His bad traits irritate me now. We don’t agree on there major themes of life anymore - career, kids, priorities etc. We are meant to be moving abroad - he has wanted to forever, I have agreed finally, but will be sacrificing my career and all my support ( he has no friends and only parents, no siblings) will have no one I know - no friends or family.. do I just coast along? Is this what long term marriage is? Or do you try and leave and find that spark and lust and interest in someone else? I’m sad about loss of career, and loss of social circle especially for someone who appears to detest me most of the time anyway...

This is a very difficult thing and a lot of us struggle with it. I was just telling my therapist how it seems so easy to say, I do not want to be in this marriage and to leave, but in realty it is nothing like that. Once you have kids especially it becomes multidimensional issue, very complex and is far from easy to resolve. I would say, once you start questioning things this should be your cue. It took me more then 15 years to even admit to myself that I am not happy and that I would like to end my marriage, but that is just a beginning. It has been over a year and quite a few hours of therapy and still have not worked up a courage to talk to my DH. Still working on it. We have been together for 25 years.

Op you cannot move abroad! You just can't. Giving it all up to move within a stable relationship is hard enough, but when you feel the way you do about him now this would be a terrible idea.
I don't have advice to offer and i I normally wait for others to post first before offering an opinion but I just had to jump in straight away and say don't do it.
I'm very sorry you're in this situation xx

Op, I think you know what a wrench moving abroad will be - there you are likely to feel even more isolated especially if English isn't the first language/you don't speak the language. I would want a very solid relationship to make this sort of move. I could have written your post in many ways op. I'm waiting for therapy.

Loveyourself, you describe very much where I am too. I'm trying to put it all down to the perimenopause and one day it will all blow over...but I'm not so sure. I have no support in real life. I don't know what I'm expecting...that something will force change. I'm sure someone will come along and say don't stay for the dc soon, but like you, I think it is far more complex than that, I have sort of stood outside the tunnel a bit and I feel I have a lot of work to do on me first and now is not the right time to make major decisions. I feel generally weighed down and I feel a low level unhappiness which sometimes bubbles up and leaves me feeling overwhelmed but I try to make the most of every day whilst I live in this ambivalence because life is short.

Do NOT move abroad!!!!

He can go if he wants but don't go with him and be miserable and stuck 😳

Similar situation here. I agree with PP, don’t move abroad! And no it shouldn’t feel like coasting along, that’s life passing you by.

But I also agree with @loveyourself2020, it’s a complex thing and not easy to resolve.

How long have you felt like this? Does your H know how you feel?

To be honest, probably since soon after marriage - we had fertility issues ( his issue we found out eventually and very complex!) so never had the wonderful first years of marriage. But increasingly past few years, complicated by periods of depression for me so I often thought that was the issue. He knows some of it, can’t really turn around and say you don’t find someone attractive anymore though can you?! I’ve said he doesn’t make me feel like he used to. The response is usually a mixture of ambivalence, anger or blaming me for one reason of another.

@Theatic and @loveyourself2020 - this is exactly it. It is complex and with advancing age there is no guarantee of it being greener on the other side anyway! So do you just carry on?! We essentially live very separate lives with separate interests and separate friends ( as mentioned he has none, I tend to see mine alone, esp since covid). Perhaps that is all one can expect as you reach middle age? It’s fairly reminiscent of how I see my parents relationship growing up also.

@CatRach I know what you’re saying, it’s scary when you’ve been together for so long, the unknown feels so scary. It’s easy for people to say ‘just leave’ but the reality is scary, complicated and uncertain.

I feel like I have to believe things can be better, happier and more fulfilling. It sounds like he struggles to understand where you come from (I could be wrong?) and that doesn’t bode well. ie. not willing to make changes. But to be honest, are you at a point where it wouldn’t matter what he did, you’re checked out anyway? (I say that because I know how that feels) x

Please don't move abroad with him! There will be all sorts of problems if you wanted to come back. Why would you give up your career for someone you don't even like? Please think again.

So you might be moving abroad, sacrificing your career and you independence with it for someone who you say appears to detest you, who you feel tries to have sex with your body when he doesn't think you'll be able to fully consent?

You already know it's not a good idea.

Or do you try and leave and find that spark and lust and interest in someone else?

No you don't. You don't, or shouldn't leave your unhappy marriage thinking 'I'm just going to hop from this relationship to another one'. You don't leave because you think the grass is greener, although hope is a big factor in how people are able to improve their circumstances.

You leave because being single (despite its separate set of hardships) would be better than staying in an unhealthy environment. You leave because you want a home that is relaxed, positive, free from fear. You leave because you realize that you might as well have been alone for years and that staying in a relationship meant that valuable time that could have been spent making your life better in other ways was lost. It's not necessarily thinking or hoping about the next person you're going to find or not find.

Also, please tell him you no longer want to have sex with him anymore, and be extremely clear and firm about that. At the very least tell him that you no longer want him to anything sexual whilst your asleep and if he crosses that line there will be serious consequences for him.

Do not go abroad under these circumstances. Really, it's important don't! It's incredibly hard to negotiate living in a new country even when you get on really well and support each other fully and are both behind the idea. It will never work in this situation and as soon as you are there you are stuck. You cannot bring the kids back home unless he agrees. It is illegal, you can be charged with abduction if you try. There are many threads here with women in dire situations because of it. Don't become another.

I moved abroad with my husband and young children . If you are not happy now , you can take that feeling and multiply it by 1000.
I lost my support network of close friends and family . There was just us 4, he was working a lot , the issues we had never got resolved, they just got bigger and I felt unbelievable lonely and sad , and he either didn’t care or didn’t notice . The isolation you will feel , you can’t begin to imagine it .
Please please don’t move abroad while you are feeling this way , I know from experience you will absolutely regret it .
If you decide you want to leave , it will make doing so much much harder without support from those around you , not to mention the everyday practicality of how and when you will put your plan into action , as different countries have different laws and rules , accessing legal help abroad is difficult snd costly !!!
Please think very carefully about this .

FWIW, I am resisting even moving house atm, as am not feeling it with DP. The thought of going through the upheaval of moving, leaving a home I love, only for him to find he still has the same issues in a new house in a new area -I just can't make myself do it, so I absolutely agree with PPs who are discouraging you from moving abroad. Ending your marriage will be so much easier against the backdrop of a career you enjoy and a social support network, in a familiar country.

I left when I realised that I couldn't stand to be in the same room as my husband, let alone the same bed. I woke up one day & thought what the hell am I doing here? He also did something I could never forgive him for. After a lot of thought after I left I came to the conclusion I had never really loved him & I never should have married him. I met him, got engaged & we started to live together within 3 months of meeting, we were married within 14 months of first meeting & I was pregnant with ds 9 months later. When I was 7 months pregnant he was diagnosed with MS, had I not been pregnant I would have left then.

If you are sure you want it over, then do it but don't go abroad unless you are 100% sure that is what you want to do.

Don’t move abroad!

No, no, no, I know it feels easier to give in and stay in this marriage but I really feel you're about to make a terrible mistake. If you move abroad you'll have no friends, no family, no help if things get bad. He's touching you in your sleep, that's abuse Op, and when there's no one to hold him accountable it could get worse.
You sound depressed and listless as if you have no say but you do, you can choose a better life without him.
Please think carefully Op, you only have one life, why live it being unhappy?

There is a poster with doubts that moved to NZ she is now stuck there. She cannot remove the DC and return home, her marriage has completely fallen apart and by the time her DC are adults they will probably consider NZ home and stay.

Utterly heart breaking situation and she wishes she had ignored the issues in her marriage, she is paying an awful price.

Fgs don't move abroad.

And yes, starting sex with you while you're asleep is because he knows you won't be interested when conscious is non-consensual. (And do shut up people who will immediately jump in and say they have sleepy sex and love it. It's fine when agreed and wanted between you, it's not fine otherwise, and being in a relationship does not mean it's automatically fine). I would tell him explicitly not to do that, op. And if he persists, stop sharing a bed.

Please don't continue to drift along in this relationship, op. And emigration would be a huge huge mistake.

@CatRach
How are you doing? Thinking of you.

The point where your husband is raping you in your sleep is when you leave him.