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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused - dumped

20 replies

AnnaBoo1 · 04/04/2021 19:00

Hello

I am looking for some advice as I am feeling like shit.

Basically I went online and met someone 2 months ago. He is alot older (like 25years older) and has a daughter who is 7 years younger than me.

It was just a bit of fun and we both knew there would be no future in it and agreed to just to enjoy it while it lasted.

We have been seeing each other a few times a week and stay at each others places once/twice a week.

His daughter part lives with him (she's 24) and has alot of really bad mental health issues. He has told me at great length the issues this has caused with past relationships as he can't plan things in advance or has to change plans (as she is sucidial) and she randomly decides when she is staying at her dad's.

Anyway, we had a long phone call on Wednesday about "us" and he said he doesn't see a future with us, which I agreed with, and I should find someone who doesn't have a 23 year old daughter and who takes up so much of his time. But we agreed to just see how things go.

Anyway, I stayed at his on Thursday evening and Friday morning he asked when we would see each other next, we made rough plans for a few days as his daughter is having "a bad time" so these plans may change.

He called me this morning to say his daughter nearly committed suicide again ladt night and he has been up all night really upset and has been thinking about us. He said he doesn't want to mess me around anymore and doesn't see how this can work. He then said again that I'll probably want marriage or children in the future and should be with someone my own age.

I said this was never serious and I thought we were seeing what happens and he agreed, I I said I didnt care if he changes plans as his daughter comes first, not me (especially not after 2 months!). He said his daughter was angry with him as she said she can't freely come around to his anymore as he is seeing someone (me!). He said he doesn't want us to end badly and hopes we can be friends.

I texted him saying I felt used (was a bit upset) and he said he hasn't used me its a very complicated time for him at the moment and he's upset with only 1 hour of sleep. We've left it there.

My question, I can't work out if I have been used or if he is actually being decent!

Just wasn't expecting it in all honestly , despite knowing it wouldn't last

What are your thoughts?

A x

OP posts:

autumnalrain · 04/04/2021 19:05

If you knew there was no future and it was just casual, then you have to expect that the situation can end at any time. That’s the whole point of being casual - no commitment.

I don’t think he used you, maybe your ego is just a tad bruised? But that’s natural

tenlittlecygnets · 04/04/2021 19:07

But you knew there was no future in it - you had agreed this on Wednesday? So why did you stay over Thursday?

It doesn't sound as if he's using you - it sounds like he's at the end of his tether with his dd and trying to do the right thing.

tropicalwaterdiver · 04/04/2021 19:11

How do you think you've been used?
It looks to me like you just chose a wrong man to date.

Ohpulltheotherone · 04/04/2021 19:12

You haven’t been used.

You’ve had what sounds like a mutually respectful, mutually beneficial relationship.

He actually sounds like a very decent man.
He doesn’t want nor can manage a relationship in his life and whilst he is saying it’s mostly for your benefit, he probably wants to remove any additional pressure. You may not have been causing any pressure but he may have felt an expectation on your part, whether true or not.

You haven’t been used, rejection is never nice even when it’s for genuine reasons.
Take the good from the experience - it sounds like you had a good time and that you respected each other and you could potentially have a decent friendship in the future.

For now I would back away, wish him the best and remove any contact until you feel completely over it and fine with the situation, then if you want to keep the friendship then you know it is coming from a genuine place. Don’t try to do the “let’s be friends” thing whilst you are still caught up in feelings - whether they are casual or something more.

It happens to the best of us - you’ll be fine.

ThereforeIAm · 04/04/2021 19:13

It sounds like he was honest with you about the situation all along.

MazekeenSmith · 04/04/2021 19:15

Why do you think you've been used?
You've had a casual relationship with a man who has serious family drama and who has now had to end it because of that drama. Nobody used anybody.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 04/04/2021 19:32

I think he’s been honest. How can you feel used?

Sunflower1970 · 04/04/2021 19:33

He sounds thoroughly decent but his daughter comes first. You sound like you want more than he has to give. Maybe find somebody your own age with less baggage xx

Original poster

AnnaBoo1 · 04/04/2021 19:34

I guess I feel used because why didn't we agree to stop seeing each other on Wednesday? Why was I invited to his on the night on Thursday to then be dumped by video call.

OP posts:

Choice4567 · 04/04/2021 19:38

You were seeing where it went. This is where it’s gone. He doesn’t feel able to carry on the relationship, and as agreed by both parties
It had no future, it’s ended

Dery · 04/04/2021 19:42

From your account of your telcon on Wednesday, reading between the lines, it sounds to me like he basically tried to end it then but you persuaded him to see where things went. But it doesn’t sound like you’ve been used at all.

All that said, it’s a sad situation and I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out for you, OP.

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 04/04/2021 19:48

I find this so confusing. You agreed this arrangement had no future. I don't understand why you both agreed on the Wednesday that this thing wasn't serious and then both agreed to have you stay over at his on Thursday. It sounds like you wanted to knock it on the head with him... but then didn't.

Do you have feelings for this guy? I don't think he has used you at all. The thing with his daughter happened and he is trying to do right by her understandably. Of that hadn't have happened, you probably would have made plans to meet up again.

makemineabrew · 04/04/2021 19:51

He’s had one hour sleep and his daughter is suicidal. He’s only human. I think he’s done the right thing. He sounds like he has a horrific life. What a shame. His daughter needs urgent help.

Wanderlusto · 04/04/2021 19:53

He tried to respectfuly break up with you not once but twice.

You cant be used by someone you are just having a bit of fun with.

anniegun · 04/04/2021 20:03

His daughter has tried to kill herself. Please accept he may have things to deal with that mean he cannot prioritise his relationship with you

OldWomanSaysThis · 04/04/2021 20:15

Dumped? Used?

I thought you said this was just a bit of fun and nothing else.

imalmostthere · 04/04/2021 20:15

His Dd is priority, she's suicidal and you had a casual relationship. In the nicest possible way, he's thinking about her and not you, and quite rightly. You've not been used, he was honest all along and sounds like a decent bloke.

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 04/04/2021 20:17

At least try to keep your story straight between both your threads 🙄

Sakurami · 04/04/2021 20:18

You're young and at a different place in your life from him. He enjoyed his time with you but knows that what you want in life isn't compatible with his.

Pull the plaster off and go find someone your own age and have fun.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2021 20:24

I think your response to him was cruel and self-centered. You already knew this was going nowhere, he was being completely honest with you, he's just had a very serious incident with his mentally unwell daughter, and you make it all about you. He used you? Give over! You knew exactly what this relationship was all about.

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