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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Kicking my partner out, should my son be here when I do?

13 replies

Fizzysister · 04/04/2021 16:10

He's been emotionally cheating with his ex for a year. My son, his SS, is 11 and loves him. How do I manage this best for him? Do we tell him together? Do I arrange for DS to stay out so he can leave without him seeing? Have no idea how to proceed for the best.

OP posts:
LabbyNoona · 04/04/2021 16:14

Do you mean should your son be there when you tell your partner you want him to move out? If so, no!! And depends if afterwards partner could be neutral in both of you taking to son and saying we are ending relationship etc. Depends how close they are.

DoingItMyself · 04/04/2021 16:16

Don't make the child witness that, but explain honestly afterwards.

Maray1967 · 04/04/2021 16:24

My friend made sure her daughter was in the garden with her so she wouldn’t hear the door close as he took his stuff and left. Friend would have preferred he did it when DD wasn’t in the house but he wasn’t cooperative.

Original poster
Fizzysister · 04/04/2021 16:58

Sorry for not being clear, I mean we already know hes going but I'm not sure if we should explain to DS he's leaving or if he should leave before DS knows. I imagine DS having the memory of watching him leave and it breaks my heart, but also not sure if the situation might be worse for DS if he just disappears and doesn't say goodbye.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzysister · 04/04/2021 16:59

@Maray1967

My friend made sure her daughter was in the garden with her so she wouldn’t hear the door close as he took his stuff and left. Friend would have preferred he did it when DD wasn’t in the house but he wasn’t cooperative.
Awful. How did her DD take it?
OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/04/2021 17:06

Explain it to him before he leaves. Definitely.

If the break up is amicable then explain together, if not, then you should do it.

user1481840227 · 04/04/2021 17:21

What are your plans going forward for your son?
If your son wants to keep seeing his stepdad then will you allow that?
Does your partner intend to keep seeing your son?

Now of course you can plan for that and things can change because even biological dads sometimes stop seeing their kids after the relationship ends even if they were previously good fathers! so unfortunately what happens in the medium to long term can't be planned for or anticipated but what is the short term plan?

If he intends to leave and never see him again then I do think he should get a chance to say goodbye.

SionnachGlic · 04/04/2021 17:27

Know what the plan is insofar as it concerns DS...so DF will now live at X address, tell DS where it is if he doesn't know the area.. & that he'll be able to visit & stayover, DF will collect him from school on X& Y days if ye've agreed that far...if not that you will figure it out together. But don't either of you make promises you can't keep...

Original poster
Fizzysister · 04/04/2021 17:54

Thanks for the replies. He's left without saying goodbye to either of us, I wasnt expecting that. He's got no phone so I cant get in touch with him. I'm going to leave it up to DS if he wants to see him, and we have a life to dismantle so I want it to be amicable. I guess I'll tell DS we're having issues and he's gone to stay with his mum, then we'll talk to him together as soon as we can?

OP posts:
Dery · 04/04/2021 19:38

If you’ve kicked him out, isn’t it unlikely that he will co-operate with giving any message to your DS? It’s probably better to just explain to your son now in the most neutral terms possible so that he knows the score.

ColourfulElmerElephant · 04/04/2021 19:43

@Fizzysister

Thanks for the replies. He's left without saying goodbye to either of us, I wasnt expecting that. He's got no phone so I cant get in touch with him. I'm going to leave it up to DS if he wants to see him, and we have a life to dismantle so I want it to be amicable. I guess I'll tell DS we're having issues and he's gone to stay with his mum, then we'll talk to him together as soon as we can?
No, tell your DS he has gone and be honest; you don’t know if he will be able to see him again or not but you will let him know if he can and then, if he wants to, he will be able to.
Original poster
Fizzysister · 04/04/2021 20:08

I've told him, he knew something was wrong. Hes been a little superstar, couldn't be prouder of him. Thanks for the advice, all of you.

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 05/04/2021 19:32

Sorry this has happened. You’ve done the right thing x

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