A dating one.. acting differently?

[blueeyes46]

Been speaking to a guy for about 3 weeks and it’s going amazingly. We’ve been on about 7 dates now and things have really gone well - he’s deleted dating apps, told me he’s never been so happy, he feels I’m his best friend already, he can’t wait to do certain things with me etc etc. He told his mates “I’m gonna marry this girl”. We watch a tv show together every evening online if we’re not together. He has introduced me to his mum, he’s bought me flowers, he text me saying really cute things like “miss you” and “I always just want to be with you and speak to you”. He even started saying “adore you”. We’ve had a chat about relationships and he said he’s not interested in flings and hook ups, he just wants someone to “do life with” and settle down with now.

The other day, I met a couple of his friends for the first time. Some of them were teasing me about my “boyfriend” and I made a passing comment like yeah I really like him and eventually this’d be amazing. I think the friends were quite drunk and this got back to him, and they were apparently saying stuff like “awww go on, just ask her out, she really wants to be your gf”.

This didn’t sit well with him and he said it “really freaked him out” and “I don’t want to get into a relationship with someone I’ve known for 2/3 weeks”. I explained it probably looked bad but it wasn’t how it looked from my side - but also I reacted to this not greatly at first, as I took this as he didn’t want a relationship at all, so I was sort of saying “you can’t say all this stuff to someone if you don’t intend on being with them?!”

We cleared the air, I thought, as he explained he wants to get to know someone inside-out before jumping into a relationship with them. He sees himself with me but he doesn’t want to rush and wants to just enjoy the process and have fun. I said from experience I’ve always just been with someone if I want to be, regardless of time, but I can also see it from his point of view. All fine, I thought, completely understandable. I explained that seemed completely fair and everything was fine.

But since then, for the last few days (not seen each other), he’s been REALLY off. He’s being polite but texting me sort of like a mate? Texting really slow, not saying any cute things/using any emojis, hardly asking anything about my day - he’d often double text as well saying something cute or sending a funny video or picture. But nothing. No flirting. Just bog standard replies.

I have asked him if everything is okay and he’s insisting I’m panicking and everything is fine. He said about the whole thing that it’s “forgotten about”. So I haven’t asked again - but things really aren’t fine??? I know it might sound silly but his tone is completely different. Also, for the first time in weeks, he said no to watching tv because he wanted to chat to his mates last night (I’d obviously be completely fine with this usually - and I was fine with it - but just seemed a bit of a coincidence it was last night?).

It’s made me feel really sick and sad all weekend, and now I don’t know how to play this. I’m trying to text less but then I just don’t hear from him. Do I text him slower, do I just back off, or do I act just as keen?... I’m meant to be seeing him tomorrow too, but he hasn’t brought it up yet..?

The whole dynamic is just completely different now and I really want to reassure him there’s no pressure from my side - as I think he thinks there is - but don’t want to bring it up again. I now 10000% understand where he’s coming from and I just want to enjoy it again. But I have no idea what to do, I’m really worried I have ruined it by seeming too needy?☹️

He HAS jumped into a relationship though with his behaviour! He's now gaslighting you by making you feel you've rushed things by using the word boyfriend when he's referred to you as future wife!!
You haven't done anything wrong. He's a headwrecker.

Three weeks ago you didn’t know he existed. Now you’re posting on a on line forum worrying in case you’ve upset him.
Too much too soon. Don’t text him see what happens.

He's told you he wants to marry you but he'a not sure he wants you to be his girlfriend?

Sorry, but listen to the others. He's a love bomber and full of shit.

If you stay with him, you'll be back here at some point asking what you did to make it all go wrong when he dumps you. In fact, you're already questioning yourself, "But could it also have been me?"

Seriously.

Love bombers do and say whatever will work on the woman they are seeing. You want see? He'll give see. You want to wait and develop a connection? He'll do that too.

By all means enjoy the dopamine hit and the fun while it lasts but don't believe a word he says or presume it means anything.

He's said some pretty heavy stuff. But he isn't sure he wants you to be his girlfriend. Massive red flags.

He sounds like a massive waste of time.
Big red flags are waving. You’d have to be blind to miss them.

Do yourself a favour and leave it. He’s acted appallingly and his behaviour is not just immature and rude but it’s actually worrying. He was either lying to you at first and didn’t have all those initial feelings or he’s lying to his friends now and reacting badly to save face because he feels exposed.

Neither of those situations are particularly attractive in a person.

I wouldn’t try to understand his motives I would just leave it. He doesn’t sound emotionally mature enough to be in a solid grown up relationship anyway - 3 weeks or not!

I think he sounds emotionally immature as well...who says all that gushy stuff in the first three weeks? Not anyone who puts any thought into relationships anyway. Not anyone choosy. Blab the mouth off and see what happens.

Seriously OP, I’d be thoroughly turned off by all the stuff you describe in the first paragraph of your OP after three weeks. I would know that he was just churning it out to whoever because he couldn’t possibly know or care enough about me in three weeks to proclaim such things.

He doesn’t care who you are, just what you might represent as an option. He thinks that’s what women want to hear.

It’s so confusing! Going from wanting to talk to me, sometimes calling, saying he wants to text me even if out etc.. to literally texting me twice today so far ☹️

I'm sorry you're confused but it's really not confusing actually. He's projected a load of desires and expectations onto you as if you are a blank, woman shaped canvas. He's then fallen in love with his own creation, which is 'you', as he determined you to be. You then showed that you are not his projection but you are a person with your own feelings and views that are not of his creation, so he has rejected you, as you no longer appeal to him.
Love bombers are dangerous.

He's playing games.

Honestly, sack him off now while you're only three weeks in as you're only going to end up more hurt.

He’s an arse. Dump and move on.

But I’d have a word with him first. Along the lines of. It’s not working out with me. You introduce me to your mum, allege you told your friends you want to marry me, and now you’re all scared to have a basic relationship. No thanks. Your too immature and your heads up your arse. Grow the fuck up. I’m off. Cheerio.

There is absolutely nothing confusing about this. He's a love bombing fuckwit and for some inexplicable reason you're still putting up with this nonsense. Raise your standards.

I’m not sure he is playing games, a guy you’ve known a few days says I’m going to marry this girl to his mates ,, thr natural reaction is he’s having a laugh, not that he actually wants to marry her. Plenty of people are all full on flirty at the start it doesn’t mean they want to be with you, because, well it’s only been two or three weeks.

It’s different Styles of communications, he’s funny flirty full on, but thr op has believed it was serious already and he is the one, and he’s rightly said wtf not after a couple of weeks.

I think for most women if you heard the stuff from a bloke this guy was saying in thr first few days you’d take it with a pinch of salt. Sadly th op didn’t and it’s concerned him.

Its love bombing and it's so common on online dating sites. Chalk this up to experience and you'll know the signs for next time. Nothing you did caused this , everything he was saying was a story to reel you in and he probably does this quite a bit.

@Bluntness100 see this is what I was worried about, and now I’ve scared him off ☹️ Thinking about it, it probably is freaky after 3 weeks and I want him to know now that I absolutely am on the same page as him but I don’t wanna bring it up again

Also his friend said to me he doesn’t speak to many girls and that genuinely they thought he seemed really really happy the last few weeks since talking to me... i dunno if that means anything

Your only chance now is to play it very cool, keep yourself busy and maybe he will reconsider. If you keep texting him and wanting to meet etc he's gone for good. Trust me I've been there many years ago. We reconnected (briefly no romantic feelings) after 16 years and he told me that had I played it cool he would have come back. But do what you want, this one is probably a write-off now

Ugh clearly it’s him

OP, you’re not listening to the good advice you’ve had here. Read the wisdom above again.

Sounds to me as though his friends were teasing him and he's now a bit embarrassed and trying to act cool.

Grease is on the telly today by the way.

Op, just back off now. Don’t be texting him saying you’re on the same page etc, it just looks a bit desperate. Keep it light and airy. Let him reach out to you. If he doesn’t then wait a week and say hey how you doing stranger with a smiley face. See if he bites. If he texts you then keep it light.

Also his friend was just blowing hot air up your Arse and telling you what you wanted to hear. Seriously it had only been a couple of weeks. He wasn’t happier,

Just try to calm down and don’t contact him now. For me reading it, he’s thinking “ this was a few days in, I was enjoying the flirting and banter and she’s come over all “he wants to marry me ans it’s all going to be amazing” and she’s in there telling my mates, which spells bunny boiler”.

Three weeks??

Crikey.

Way too much drama. I'd be dropping him like a stone

@DianeCherry

Three weeks??

Crikey.

Way too much drama. I'd be dropping him like a stone

She doesn’t want to dump him. She wants it back to how it was, the fun flirty first few days stage. It’s all got a bit heavy now. Mistakes on both sides, But she doesn’t want to end it.

Really reminds me of the experience I has in my early twenties. It never felt too full on like it with other love bombers because I really liked him too.

Around the 3 month mark we went to a party together and right in front of me, he starts stroking another girls leg and flirting with her! I told him it wasn't on - and he acted like he just didnt get it.

Thinking maybe the drink had caused it I thought he would appologise when sober. But nope, complete radio silence for days afterwords. As if I was the bad guy!

So believe me, I get how sad that makes you feel when they just blow cold like that. Like how could he have said all that stuff and spent so much time with me if he didnt care?

Stupidly I decided to ask to meet for coffee. And I stated why I was mad (which I should never have had to do because its friggin obvious) only to be met with 'ok, cool'. !!!???!!!

He also denied saying to me things that he had said to do with liking me ect...things I had in text in black and white.

So now suddenly instead of it being a mutual thing where he was really into me and we seemed to be going somewhere, I was suddenly made out to have misunderstood.

I realise now, he didnt spend all that time trying to get close to me because he really liked me - he spent all that time trying to get close to me because he really needed me to like him. That's what his sort do. They need people to put them on a pedestal. And time spent with you or pretty words...are just manipulations to trick you.

It's sad, butvonce you see it you can't unsee it.
Protect yourself from vampires, because that's all his kind are.

What the fuck did I just read?!! He sounds actually unhinged, and you incredibly naive to swallow all this.

He barely knows your name!!! 3 weeks ago he didn’t know you existed, in 3 weeks he’ll be saying the exact same BS to some other girl. I guarantee you his past is littered with this crap.

He’s lack the emotional maturity to date. You lack the boundaries to date. How old are you? Because this sounds like the kind of love drama you have when you’re 6 years old.

@blueeyes46

Will you please stop saying shit like ''I think I might have scared him off'' or ''I want him to know we're on the same page'', *because you're NOT !

He is fucking with your head girl !

As a PP said, 3 weeks ago you didn't even know he existed, and now you're only thoughts are ''what have I done wrong??

You've done nothing 'wrong', you've just been a normal human being, with wants/ feelings/ needs ! He just doesn't want that ! He wants everything to be on his terms

I mean, for heavens sake, here you are, on Easter Sunday, all 'frieked out' because a guy you only met 3 weeks ago isn't texting or calling as often ??

Wake up girl ! Tell him to fuck off with all his bloody 'mind games' and hot and cold fucking behaviour !

A grown up relationship is based on consideration/ respect etc, none of which he's shown you !