I’m so desperate and alone

[Bubstubs]

Hi everyone,

I’m new and looking for help and advice. I feel so desperate and alone. I’m so manic atm and worry about what I’m capable of.

I’m 32, I’ve been married for 6 years (together for 13years) and he’s a great companion but we don’t have sex and I don’t have that great conversation.

My job is intense- I’m an athlete and train away a lot. 3 years ago I got talking to another athlete who is 25 and he made up for so much that lacked in my relationship.
We had an affair, traveled abroad racing, had 2 week holiday in Italy. I am head of heels in love. He literally gets all of me and loves all my flaws and I love his.

I know I hurt him too, a lot as he loved me so much but couldn’t cope with my situation.

When the pandemic hit he suffered depression and anxiety because of me. I tried to be there but i should have been there more. I was worried about how I was going to deal with what I had to do.

Long story short- it went quiet with him about 6 weeks and for me that was a good time to end my marriage as it took a lot of heightened emotion out and I was doing it for the right reason instead of temporary feelings.

I told him my marriage was over yesterday and he said he wasn’t sure he could switch it back on for me.
He says he loves me but is too hurt. He’s been talking to a young girl who lives in Ireland (we are in England) for 3 weeks and he said they get along and she’s a really nice girl. She’s stunning and is a better version of me- younger, prettier, funny etc.

My brain is going mental as I see the like and comment on social media pics and I can’t cope. My brain is making up all these scenarios like how they’ll be in a relationship and end together which I know is mental after 3 weeks but he’s unreal and she lovely so I can’t see how it wouldn’t happen. I can’t eat or sleep.

I went to see see him last night after saying my marriage was over. I drove 3 hours, we slept together and he kept saying he wants to do it but he’s worried how it will impact me and make things more difficult for me. He didn’t let me stay either as didn’t want to give me false hope.

He keeps saying he needs to see what direction his life will take and he doesn’t know or think he can let himself go with me again. He said after 6 weeks of things being quiet that it was a lot of information for him to process suddenly in terms of my marriage ending. I told him I’d prove it to him and I hadn’t expected him to shut off so was going to ask him to move in with me. He said he would have loved that a year ago.

I just want him back and don’t know what to do.

Does it sound like the end? I don’t know what to do. I see him training everyday and we go away on teams together. It’s not like I can cut contact, in fact I don’t want to cut contact. We still message but it’s just surface conversation. Not like we used to.

Yes it's the end, in the nicest possible way he has already moved on. Sounds like he is no longer interested now your marriage is over. If you still have to see him just be distant and civil. He is 25 and sounds like he still wants to have fun whereas you sound ready for something more serious.

You should work on yourself and find out what you want out of life. Do not chase him!

He’s very young and you sound overly intense and with a lot of baggage. Leave him be and let him get on with his life. You need to sort yourself out.

Didn't want to read and run. Just wanted to say that it seems like a quick turn-around, ending your marriage and hoping to rekindle the relationship with your lover. Please do not rush into anything big at this time. You would probably do well to lay low and regroup, taking stock of where you find yourself in your life following what is quite a big upheaval. Wishing you peace of mind, and perhaps a period of rest after what sounds like a life-changing turn of events.

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it.

It’s been over 3 years of him begging me to leave and we’ve been on numerous adventures. I realise I sound intense now but it’s because I’m hurting so much.
He’s an old 25 and wanted to move in with me last year but I couldn’t. I am basically giving him everything he asked for and he said it’s too late after so much hurt and it’s a lot of information to process after thinking it was over.

I really appreciate the replies as well so thank you. It’s very kind of you all x

It sounds like he only wanted you when he knew he could not have you. Otherwise you would be together now.

He’s only 25 and he’s come to realise there is still more fun to be had and other women to meet. Don’t beg op. He’s moved on. You need to try to do the same.

Sorry I agree he's moved on. He'll have been processing his need to move on from you well before the six week break, and that break will have given him time to finalise this.

Congratulations on ending your marriage.

OP I suspect it’s not actually him. He represented what was missing in your marriage, he gave you the excitement and attention you craved and that’s what you miss now. Not actually him. Take some time to be yourself and reflect.

Hi OP,

Unfortunately he has moved on. The reasons for it are irrelevant. Run after him and he will away faster. You've only just become single, give yourself a chance to get used to that. Your paths might cross again or you will meet someone else in the future.

As pp said, he was only interested when he knew you were unobtainable.

Also, him mentioning that other girl... ...he's not a very nice person is he?

That being said, you haven't been a nice person either these last few years.

You need to step back and look at what you've become. Where is your sympathy for your husband? How could you string two men along for three years like that?

You took a gamble and it didn't pay off. So now it's time to clean up your mess. And I dont mean by continuing to chase affair guy. Or by trying to fix your marriage. As they are clearly both over. I mean by taking a long hard look at yourself and how you ended up becoming so...wretched.

Sort out your divorce and take some time single to focus on bettering yourself.

As for your obsession with affair guy, do whatever you can to put distance between you. See about training at different times or places if pos. If not, look into a new career. Because otherwise you'll spend your life pining after some guy who is tbf, taking his turn, at making you just an option.

sorry op. it hurts i know. but definitely move on.
try to not to have any contact anymore.
dont check SM etc and keep talks to a minimum to be polite.

Yh he isn't into you anymore sorry..

And hes an asshole for sleeping with you

It’s over. He never wanted to commit. Now you’ve ended your marriage you’ve scared him off.

I think if you look at it from his perspective he has had the short straw throughout your affair and then you cut the emotional cord and led him to believe it was over. The hurt he will have felt will have been building the longer you chose to stay in your marriage as it shows that you were looking out for yourself rather than considering your husband or him. If I were in his position I’m not sure I would choose to return to that and all it’s baggage - especially if there was a single uncomplicated person who I connected with. Also I wouldn’t believe you did any of this for him otherwise you would have done it years ago without cutting the emotional tie or at least have told him what you were planning. It is good that you have recognised the end of your relationship with your husband and I hope you both are doing well with that. I would focus on you for now and try not to get into a complicated situation again.

You need to disentangle the ending of your marriage from your feelings for this man.

Actually he’s done you a favour. You should spend some time single. You’ve had a man in your life since you were 19 and throughout your 20s. The 20s are the perfect decade for working out what works for you in relationships and you missed out on that by settling down so young. Some teen loves can form the basis of successful life-long relationships but most don’t and with good reason because we change so much during our 20s.

Rushing into another relationship would actually be a big mistake. And he’s very young to be taking all this. It’s not surprising he doesn’t feel ready to commit.

It’s very painful now, OP, but it sounds like he gave you the motivation to leave a marriage which was over and that’s a good thing. You’ve only just left your marriage. Focus on yourself for a bit. Enjoy the single life.

I'm wondering if the issue here is trust. It doesn't matter how much he loves you, the bottom line is that you cheated on your husband whereas he was single during this time (I assume). You've shown that you're willing and able to cheat in what was supposed to be a monogamous relationship instead of talking to your partner and ending things first. He might be wondering if you'll do the same to him one day.

Also, it's harsh to say but the shine might have worn off this exciting, forbidden dalliance for him. Things have suddenly got real for him and now he's probably looking this situation from a different perspective. Honestly, what do you thinks his friends & family would advise him in his situation? Move in with a 32 year old who cheated on her husband for 3 years or start again afresh with a young woman?

Thank you for your advice Earthsight.

His mum is in an unhappy marriage and divorced as well so he gets it. His mum actually thought we were soulmates the way we talk so no judgement. He is an older 25 and I’m a younger 32. He wanted to live with me and wanted me to get a divorce and was willing to do anything for me. It wasn’t just words, there were actions so I don’t think it’s freaked him out, but I think I left it too long. I was hoping there would be a way back.

He’s still messaging me, but it’s surface level. Nothing deep but I guess it’s a start?
I’m sorry to go on, I know it doesn’t seem a bit deal to anyone, but my world is falling apart. I thought I’d been in love but this is love and he said the same.

Just a side note- my husband hasn’t behaved himself all the time either. Not to justify my actions but it has been bit of a mess.

Is he initiating contact with you? Or does he simply reply to your messages?

It sounds to me like he’s distancing himself from you, but politely. Even if he’s an old 25, he’s still only 25 and there’s a lot of difference between being 25 and in your 30s. With the added interest of the younger woman, I would say he’s taking him time to evaluate his life and he wants. By all accounts he’s spent the last 3 years wanting something he couldn’t really have, he may not have realised that the not being able to have you was a big part in what kept him interested.

You could be kicking yourself for not ending your marriage sooner, but I wouldn’t do that. You could have left a year ago and still have found yourself in this same situation. It’s better that you ended your marriage when you were ready and on your terms. Things haven’t worked out how you hoped or planned but actually I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I know it’s not what you want to hear, but honestly in your shoes I would spend some time enjoying being single and have a whole new fresh start.

This ---> I know it’s not what you want to hear, but honestly in your shoes I would spend some time enjoying being single and have a whole new fresh start.
take no notice of his messages. he is with someone else now. tell him like that.

I guess that shows how quickly people can move on from someone they're supposedly in love with, crazy about, etc.

Sorry op but hard as it is I would keep your. Dignity. Don’t hang on - I’d try and distance yourself as he is moving on with his life and there’s nothing you can do about it