Eggshells

[makemineabrew]

Does anyone else have to tread on eggshells.

I’ve been married a long time with small kids and my mental health is now poor and my self confidence poor. I’ve been working with a therapist for a long time to work out why. It’s my husband. He’s a great guy. He’s currently doing housework. He works really hard. Hands on dad. Buys gifts, makes effort, does it all
But..
He’s combative, aggressive, defensive.
Everything is brilliant as long as he’s getting his entire own way. The minute I challenge anything then the hackles rise. We can be having a laugh and a joke and he suddenly turns. Cutting. It’s actually really hard to describe and it’s taken me a long time to work out what this is. It’s turned me into a constant smiling monkey with fake life and surface politeness and constant thank yous because he needs placating in case. and it’s not all the time. It’s unpredictable. I never know what is going to set it off or cause the grumpy/snarl. Yesterday I made a comment about there being enough chocolate in the house in a light hearted way and he took it as an offensive comment. Boom. Hacklesup with me then needing to apologise as no offense intended. This is the issue. I never know if what I say is going to be taken as an offence. It seems to be getting to the point where I can assume that anything I say (other than praising him or the weather or the news) that it will be taken as an offence.
I’m struggling to understand. I’m struggling with this behaviour and if I try and tackle it then I’m accused of it being my behaviour.
I just wondered if anyone else has this and what you do to deal with it. I’ve spent many years ignoring it and glossing over. I’m sick of not being who I am or dampening down my personality for him.

Oh and all of this is putting me off him. So I then don’t want to touch him or sleep with him which is probably then a vicious circle but I can’t fancy someone who acts like this.

My exh was similar. Used to threaten to leave if challenged in even the slightest way.
Best day was when I threw him out!!

@Chocolateismakingmefat was it always like that or was it something that happened over time? Did you ever work out why and did he do that with everyone? Is it because he’s an insecure bully? I’d like to know what this behaviour is

This is no way to live, and you shouldn't be living like this, either. He sounds like a nightmare.

Does he know how you feel ? I wouldn't tread on eggshells around anyone. Find your anger and stick up for yourself.

He was Mr Perfect at first. Didn't really last long. Started mocking me if I got upset... Realised how he could repeat that scenario whenever he felt like it. Used his behaviour to get his 'own way'
Pub whenever he liked, spending cash we didn't have on 'must haves ', sniping at /about the dc (mine not his).. Became exhausting tbh..
Realised how nice our lives would be without him and chucked him out (had found out about his undeclared wages and his actual spending habits!). Living like you are op has absolutely no benefits to you. Ltb and don't look back. He won't change. Not for the better anyway.

do you see your husband in this list of abusive types ?

See mine doesn’t do drinking or spending or anything like that. He’s perfect apart from this

He doesn’t tick any typical boxes. It’s very subtle and unpredictable

Why on earth are you grovelling before him, fake smiling and apologising all the time, I'd have told him to fuck off and get out years ago.
Stop being such a wet weekend and stand up for yourself.
He is a prick, goes without saying but if you behave like this he will despise you more as each year passes.

He’s a great guy.

But..
He’s combative, aggressive, defensive.
Everything is brilliant as long as he’s getting his entire own way.

Sorry, but the first sentence and the second paragraph contradict each other. And tbh the first one sounds total bullshit. Everything is brilliant as long as he gets his own way? What is he, 12? Unless you are willing to spend the only life you have being someone who is afraid to breathe in the wrong way get out now. If you say 'but I love him' as an excuse to stay stop posting on here for advice.

I think that’s unfair. We’ve been together two decades and have small kids and I have no family support. I come from an abusive/toxic family background with huge childhood trauma. I’ve spent a lot of time and money working with a therapist to understand this behaviour and work on my confidence. I am very shy and anxious with few friends. It’s not easy for me to stand up to him. It’s also not easy for me to just leave. I admire people who can do that but they often have huge confidence, resources and a solid support system. I don’t have those things. I also want to understand if it’s me who triggers him in some way

He's perfect apart from the fact he's emotionally abusing you.

You should split up from him. You've established with your therapist that he is at root of your poor MH and low self esteem - your next logical step is to leave the relationship. You can't fix another person.

It doesn't matter why he does this, he does this, and it's damaged you, and likely when your children are old enough to start challenging him, he will turn it onto them too.

Get out.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Why on earth are you grovelling before him, fake smiling and apologising all the time, I'd have told him to fuck off and get out years ago. Stop being such a wet weekend and stand up for yourself. He is a prick, goes without saying but if you behave like this he will despise you more as each year passes.

People respond to abuse in different ways. Complying to placate the abuser is not uncommon for those who don't realise they are with an abuser. Please don't victim blame and call her names.

@makemineabrew You need to let your h know that you will not tolerate being treated like this and that his behaviour is abusive.
There is so much that isn't working due to his inability to be accountable for his behaviour. He is deflecting and blame shifting and taking you for granted.
This switching from charming to bullying is a controlling tactic.

Sorry op, but your h is emotionally abusing you.

I'm no expert but I reckon your mental health would be a whole lot better without him. This is really no way to live, in fact it's not living, it's existing.

@herecomestreble I thought of that but it then means not having my little ones for half the week. Not seeing them some xmas days. Birthdays. It kills me. They’re all I’ve got in the world. I don’t have the kind of life that other people have with get togethers and family days out and friends to go shopping with etc. All I’ve got in this world are my kids. That’s it. How can I lose half of that!!? It’s like punishment.

There's no certainty that it would be 50/50 shared.

Also, it's likely that the reason you don't have the friends and social life you would like is at least partly due to your abusive relationship and the subsequent effects on your MH.

Out from under his thumb you could build a new life for yourself, build a friendship group, go places you want to go, do things you want to do.

[quote makemineabrew]@herecomestreble I thought of that but it then means not having my little ones for half the week. Not seeing them some xmas days. Birthdays. It kills me. They’re all I’ve got in the world. I don’t have the kind of life that other people have with get togethers and family days out and friends to go shopping with etc. All I’ve got in this world are my kids. That’s it. How can I lose half of that!!? It’s like punishment.[/quote]
It is tough initially. But your time with them will be quality and equally your time alone will be. You will learn to love yourself and put your own needs and wants as a priority. I'm quite the loner, I will still go out for coffee and lunch with friends when COVID allows, but also made a point of going for coffee or to the cinema alone. It's pretty empowering.

Your children are learning damaging lessons. Seeing that men get all their own way. Seeing their mother grovel to placate an abuser.

They will absorb those ideas. They will likely grow up to be abusive themselves or walk into situations where they don’t have the tools to resist it.

I understand you would hate to share custody with a man like this, but is that really a reason to stay ? Half the time exposed to his influence is better than 100% and they would learn that treating someone like this is not compatible with a healthy relationship.

I fully expect that if you were to split he would be an absolute arse initially to punish you but ultimately having the kids 50% of the time would cramp his style and it would gradually fall away

He sounds awful and just like my ex. One day I went to visit my parents and never went back, best decision ever.

Op, you deserve so much better. And so do your kids. They will think this is how relationships are meant to be.

Your h is a bullying abusive prick. What a shitty way to behave to the woman he's meant to love.

Contact Women's Aid for advice.

I bet that when you leave him, you will have more confidence and will be able to make friends and live a much happier life.

The only person whose behaviour you can control is your own.

You can't stop your husband from being an aggressive arsehole. Even if it's only 1% of the time...you wouldn't drink a glass of water that you knew was 1% poison, would you? And that is what your husband is, poison. He's poisoning your children, even if you don't think he is. They will be picking up on his sudden mood swings, how their mother is always having to walk on eggshells to keep their father happy. It's no way to live.

Having to share your children - and let's face it, it's unlikely to be 50% of the time, but even if it is, isn't a punishment for you. It means that the other 50% of the time they will be living in a household where their mother has a chance of happiness, of living a real life.

There is nothing you can do that will stop your husband from being like this. This is the real him.

Thanks for all the advice

@makemineabrew

I think that’s unfair. We’ve been together two decades and have small kids and I have no family support. I come from an abusive/toxic family background with huge childhood trauma. I’ve spent a lot of time and money working with a therapist to understand this behaviour and work on my confidence. I am very shy and anxious with few friends. It’s not easy for me to stand up to him. It’s also not easy for me to just leave. I admire people who can do that but they often have huge confidence, resources and a solid support system. I don’t have those things. I also want to understand if it’s me who triggers him in some way

It's not you, don't ever believe that, even if you find he's constantly saying it.

And yes, I think you need to leave, sooner rather than later, or your DC are going to be damaged as well, if they aren't already.

And you might think it's easy for me to say this. But I left after 30 years with someone like this, and I was broken. DC have had MH issues and refused to see their dad before he suddenly died last year.

It took me around 2 years from beginning to realise I needed to leave to actually leaving, I know how hard it is.

But it's worth it, so, so worth it. I've been free for over 3 years now and doing things I would never have contemplated before.

@TurquoiseDragon well done for getting out. How did you cope with sharing the children?

Your enabling his behaviour by simply allowing it. You get what you put up with. With respect your boundaries are very weak. Your children will be observing this behaviour and then further on down the line you will be experiencing same behaviour off them as well as your husband, because they won't know any better. You are really digging a big hole.
If you want a calm and peaceful life learn to respect yourself more, don't allow him to behave like a spoilt immature brat. Stand up to him.
Walking on eggshells is an awful way to live, and you do have a choice.
I Iive a lovely way of life, calm and peaceful, l can be totally myself, because of the choices l made. Yes l went through some turbulence to get to this stage but now l will never look back.