Is it too late?

[Notasitshouldbe]

Hi

Just looking for some outside input really.

My partner and I have been together a long time. Have kids together.

We have been drifting apart for years and lots of things have come to light recently.. lies, hiding things from me etc

We have been open and honest and talking through our 'issues' which is good as communication hasn't been great between us for some time.

I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place atm. Lots of hurtful things have been said on both sides. And due to the lies I have lost a lot of the trust I once had.

Basically he wants to draw a line under everything and move forward, but I don't know if I can. I've been so hurt.

I don't know if it's best to walk away or try to fight to save what we have. I'm really struggling to put everything aside to start over with him. If it even possible?

I know he loves me and i do love him but because of everything that a happened between us I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Can I get this back or shall I save us both from more hurt and go our seperate ways?

Advice please, has anyone been here and worked through it? I can't help but think we we are over. But I feel awful thinking that this is it. Why can't I just put everything to one side and move forward like he seems to be able to do?

Thanks for reading

But what has he actually done to rebuild things?

He's just asking you to forgive and shush, really, isn't he?

That's not reasonable.

What were the lies and hiding things about? What is he putting in place so that he won't repeat his mistakes? (If it's just promises he won't do it again, then it's pretty weak sauce).

I'd want him to do some work, perhaps therapy, to show he is trying to change how he deals with things. Maybe if he does something to address what is at the root of his behaviour you will feel more able to move forward. Then it might also be worth trying relationship counselling together.

But it's OK to say you can't get past it, if you can't - it's not a failure on your part.

Thank you for your reply category12.

He hasn't really done anything to rebuild things other than said sorry over and over again for everything he has done and put me/our family through. He keeps telling me he loves me and doesn't want this to be the end. He wants to work through things together as we've been together so long. He says he is hurting so bad at the thought of us being over. Is this a mind game, to make me stay.

He has lied about an addiction, only admitted this when I showed him the evidence/ caught him out. He has apologised over and over again for this. He has given up so he tells me (past few weeks since I've addressed this issue) but as I have lost trust it's hard for me to fully believe this, even if it's true.

He has also lied about getting into debt and again only admitted this when mail came through the door and I confronted him.

It feels like he is guilt tripping me with the things he says, it feels like it's my fault that I can't forgive and forget. But I have been so hurt by things that he has said over the past few arguments we've had. I know people say things in anger but some comments he has made have been vival. Which again he says sorry for but I have been honest with him and told him I can't juat forget what has been said.

I just feel such a cow for not being able to draw a line under things and move forward together. I feel like I've checked out and for that I feel incredibly guilty even though it's him that's put me in this situation. I feel so numb.

You're not a cow, you'd be an idiot to just brush over this and pretend everything is a-OK because he apologised and made promises.

If he has an addiction, it is really extremely unlikely that he will be able to just "decide" to stop and that's it, done and dusted. That's not how addiction works. Please consider engaging with a support group for families of people with addictions for yourself, and ask him to engage with support with his addiction. Look into co-dependence and research the nature of the type of addiction he has, because you need to know this stuff if you're deciding to stay.

And again, you don't have to forgive him and move on - deciding you can't or don't want to try is also a valid choice.

@Notasitshouldbe

It's easy for him to say ''let's forgive and forget all my lies and all the horrible things I've done though, isn't it ??

Why should you ?? What would you be gaining from that exactly ??

Still living in the same house with someone you can't trust ?
Being able to sleep in the same bed with someone you're no longer 'in love' with ?
Sharing a 'life' with someone who also has a 'hidden' one?

Sure, it'd be great for him, wouldn't it ?

But what would be 'great' for you ??

If the truthful answer is 'a new life without the stress and worry and upset, then you have your answer.................

Basically he wants to draw a line under everything and move forward, but I don't know if I can. I've been so hurt.

He wants to work through things together as we've been together so long. He says he is hurting so bad at the thought of us being over.

Um, no, he doesn't want to work through things "together", he wants you to choke it down and shut up about it all.

That's not how this works.

Leave with no guilt