Hi, regular poster but name changed for this so it's not linked to previous posts as it could be quite outing.
My mother is difficult. My childhood was full of her cutting comments, cruel jibes and mostly, her fury and rage which could start with no warning. She yelled every night for years and has admitted to being 'too' physical with my younger sister when she was small. I was scared of her as a teen especially and to an extent I'm still very wary of her anger. I cut ties with her when I finished school and moved out. My grandmother is like a surrogate mum to me.
Many years later, my (much younger) sister has cut her off following my pattern and I am starting a family with my DH. My mother has changed a lot through being widowed unexpectedly and admitted that she had postnatal depression and PTSD dating from my sister's birth. We've re-established a cordial relationship which has a lot of boundaries. She's less angry since being widowed and seems to have changed but I'm worried that the presence of children will restart her own issues. She admitted (very unusual for her) that she made mistakes raising us and she would do things differently and get help if she had her time again. She has had counselling for the widow situation but not for her narcissistic tendencies or for the alcohol addiction I'm convinced she has. She can go for weeks or months without alcohol but will binge if she has any.
She is keen to be very involved with our child and do regular childcare. I don't trust her and I need to put boundaries in place as I don't wish to cut her off entirely. Any mention of the issues will (almost inevitably) end in a row and some period of silence as she hates being confronted as she is always right.
I must protect my kids but I still love my mum - I don't want her damaging them though.
What boundaries would you put in place from birth to form the initial conversation and when would you discuss it? Wait for an example to arise after birth and discuss/argue about it then or do it while pregnant? I don't know whether I'm deluding myself about boundaries being even possible.