Words of encouragement needed in case I waiver!

[Notreallysure25]

Hi all, basically I'm leaving my husband. I need to be told by you lovely ladies (and gents!) I'm doing the right thing (which deep down I know i am). I'm still desperately and deeply in love with my husband but I can't allow him to do this to me anymore, so I have no choice unfortunately. When I next start to doubt leaving I want to be able to look at any comments to remind me why I'm doing what I am doing, if that makes sense! It's my daughter's birthday next week so I'm just waiting until after that as neither of us would want to ruin her day.

I'll give a brief history. We've been together for nearly 30 yrs and have 2 children. I found out he was having what I thought was an EA a couple of yrs ago, we moved on the understanding it was a fresh start and no contact. I found out a few months later that within a week of moving in they were back in contact. I gave him another chance only to find out a few months after that that they were sleeping together all summer before we moved. Yet again I forgave him (yes, I know.. Bloody fool). He agreed to let me know if she text him and he would respond. He looked me right in the eye and promised. Convincingly.

Believing that was it we carried on. Then 3 or 4 weeks ago jhe sent a WhatsApp whilst we were in bed not realising I was still awake. Oh he says I was just texting (our 17 Yr old son) who was in his bedroom. Its 3am!! The next day I made an excuse and my son gave me his phone. No WhatsApp from his dad.

I decided to try and gets my facts right before I confront him as honestly it could be my understandable paranoia so I installed an app which basically tracks people's WhatsApp habits. You can put 2 numbers in and compare when they've been online so you can see if it seems they are interacting. I won't go into details but I've been watching this for a few weeks and have noticed a definite pattern, to the extent. I am 99% sure they are messaging. He said previous I could look at his phone any time so I will ask to see his WhatsApp. If he let's me I'm still fairly sure I know what I'll find, but if he gets defensive, we'll it's obvious.

Anyway, when I find what I expect to, I'm done. So I need some words of encouragement to read please. He's a different man to before he met her, definitely not hte man I married, but he's a good talker and I need reminding just why I'm leaving and it's the right thing. I'd like to be able to read through your comments in the moments I need to re-convince myself, if that makes sense!

Sorry for the long (and possibly boring) post but I haven't told anyone so have no one to support me. Thanks so muxh

I'm so sorry about all this, op. You know you can't continue to live this lie, so resolve that your husband has betrayed you for the last time, absolutely no more chances. After all this, after all of the lies and broken promises, to stay with him would make you the maker of your own misery. You deserve much better than this.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
He is doing this because he can. You need to leave or he will continue to treat you like sh*t.
Good luck 💐

Can you tell someone IRL? When i had found out what was happening with my xDP i knew i had to tell someone to give me accountability. I had forgiven him before, then spent 10 years 2nd guessin his every move (even though there were no signs, i was always looking for them).

Obviously it did happen again and i knew for sure even before i got the concrete proof - just like you know now. He actually expected me to want us to stay together (which told me everything i needed to know - and again like your DH says its stopped so you stay even tho his actions are different!).

I wpuld strongly suggest telling someone if you can (you can just ignore MN when you have a wobble about your decision!). There is no reason for you to feel ashamed or embarrassed, you dont even need to tell them the full story. But enough.

Get your ducks in order and ensure you have copies of paperwork before you go.

Stay strong.

IMHO, you have enough reason to leave as it stands. I’m just out of a slightly shorter marriage, and it’s quite possible.

I do wonder what you’d do if you don’t get your ‘final’ proof...?

Yes, get as much papers as possible together before you go, and confide in friends or family, too.

Good luck

You don't need proof op, what he's done to you previously is more than enough reason to leave him. Even after this much time. A simple 'I don't trust you anymore, you've cheated and lied repeatedly, I don't want to be married to someone like that' is enough

Use this time whilst he's distracted to get your paperwork together, see a solicitor and decide how you want to move it forward. Then simply tell him it's over.

He said previous I could look at his phone any time so I will ask to see his WhatsApp. If he let's me I'm still fairly sure I know what I'll find

You will find nothing, he will be deleting messages as he goes.

He isn't committed to your relationship.

You don't need any more proof, you don't need to justify it to yourself and in your situation, I wouldn't be asking him to explain, it's just another opportunity for him to squirm out of it.

It's very difficult to extricate yourself from all that shared history, including memories of your DC growing up, but set the wheels in motion and you'll find it gathers momentum. You'll never look back, being rid of all the doubt, anxiety and betrayal he's subjected you to. Show him it's over and that you mean it. No going back.

Be brave and end it

Thanks you all!! I know each of you are right, it's just hard because since this happened he is a totally different man to who he was before. Never in 25 yrs did we have any issues and I truly thought he had my back, until this. It completely floored me. I don't know whether a mid life crisis has a part to play. Everyone we know thinks he's such a family man yet he's put me and my son through hell really. Luckily I've nanaged to shield my daughter from this but my son is older and doesn't miss a thing so he actually knows what his dad has done. It makes me so sad because he doesn't trust him anymore,. When alls said and done I know my husband loves his children but my son is an extremely loyal person and is finding it harder than what my husband realises.

Anyway, I shall re-read all your wise words and try to remember that I can be the strong person I was before this. Thank you x

That's a long marriage,!! You tell him he has made his bed now lie in it, but it's no longer the marital bed,!! The trust has gone and the lies and deceit will continue if you were to stay,, he only has himself to blame as a parting shot tell him * I hope she is worth it,!! She may in time kick him to the kerb also..

Hi OP- you have my complete sympathy. I was wondering if you followed up on checking your husband's phone, and how you are feeling in general.
I wanted to say that you might not have got as much support as you should with this thread because the title doesn't make clear what you are dealing with. Many people might not click on it, who otherwise would have a lot of support and advice to offer. You could start a new thread with the words affair or infidelity in it, and you would attract a lot of help from people who had been through similar things.

You don't need more evidence, he has shown you who he is...

Remove him from your life