Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So do I just smile politely and write off my sister as a shallow, superficial brick wall,or...

17 replies

bloss · 10/11/2007 08:59

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
dooley1 · 10/11/2007 09:02

You can't force someone into a relationship that closer than you want it to be.
I think going along with the polite chit chat is the way to go just for the sake of your family. It will only end up making you feel bad if you cut all ties.

DaddyJ · 10/11/2007 09:08

Hope you and yours are well, bloss

Space the phone calls out - empty, shallow small talk on a weekly basis must be sould-destroying.

Can you make excuses when she calls?
Reduce it to a chat once every 3/6 months.

joselyne · 10/11/2007 09:16

sounds like a very difficult situation. I can see how you must be really frustrated.

Do you think that she will ever change? Because if not I agree with dooley1 that you will just have to make polite chit chat to save arguments.

However I think it's unfair of your family to expect you to be close to this sister. Sometimes you just don't "click" with people regardless of whether they are family or not.

How would you like this situation to be resolved?

shrinkingsagpuss · 10/11/2007 09:17

I have the same with my sister - she used to tell everyone that my life was boring, and she would rather die than be like me, then suddenyl she had a turn aroun, and would ring me to tell me she loved me, and that I was amazing, and that she was jealous. I don't know which siide to belive - our conversations mostly involve me doing a lot of smiling and nodding.

My Mum finally accepts that as sisters we don't have to be best friends, we are sisters. You choose your friends, not your family.

Keep the lines of communication open, because one day she might actually need you, and you mght be pleased to be there.

joselyne · 10/11/2007 09:18

I agree with DaddyJ. Less frequent chit chat is a great idea!

Fireflytoo · 10/11/2007 09:32

Two ideas here: You cannot really ever change anyone else, only your own response to them.

"methinks the girl protests too much"... is her life really as wonderful as she makes out? Has she ALWAYS been like this? Does she do this because she needs to convince herself and if she stops to listen to others the "failure" (for want of the better word) that is her life shows up.

It's a real shame when one member of the family is the odd one out and unlike "outsiders" you cannot really make them just go away.

I agree with Daddy J and Shrink..too...

bloss · 10/11/2007 10:00

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
bamamama · 10/11/2007 12:00

just don't ring her today - you don't actually have to. What sort of relationship would you actually like with her? (outwith what you think you should have with her). If you actually think you'd be happy with a bit of superficial chitchat then go with it - too much energy is spent trying to mend relationships with related adults who just don't get on. If you genuinely regret the lack of relationship then write her a letter - otherwise it really doesn't make you a bad person if you have to acknowledge you don't get on with her.

DaddyJ · 10/11/2007 12:02

I doubt you'll be able to just keep up appearances,
depending on how good you are at acting.

If you are serious about mending this relationship
you could do worse than to start with yourself.

Could it be your problem rather than hers?
What's so bad about 'how are you? - I am fine, how are you?!'?
The majority of human interaction is banal,
can't expect a deep & meaningful conversation
with everyone everytime.

micegg · 10/11/2007 14:16

I sympathise with your situation. My sister and I dont get on that well. She is a bit youger than me but I find her selfish and money centred. I get round it by not responding to her catty remarks around money, etc (can be very difficult) and keeping the conversation light. Also helps that she lives on the other side of the world .

To be honest it sounds as though you have tried to confront her presumably in the hope she will change. She hasn't so you have to accept it. Try to keep things light for the sake of everyone else. As much as it would be nice to be close to all your family members I find this is relatively rare.

edam · 10/11/2007 14:27

What 'real' relationship do you want with her?

bloss · 11/11/2007 01:24

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
ImBarryScott · 11/11/2007 07:34

Blimey bloss, I have very similar issues with one of my sisters! I won't bore you with the details as this is your thread. Suffice to say she too is superficial, self-centred and unreliable (God, that sounds harsh. She obviously has good points but that's not what we're talking about here).

But I have taken some protective measures. i won't spend more than an afternoon with her at one time, though she often wants us to overnight at her house. Sounds a bit mean, but I know we can keep things lighthearted and manage not to have a bust-up if we keep things short. I don't rely on her, be it for emotional support, turning up when she's agreed to, or doing favours, as she's notorious for promising and not delivering; on one occasion seriously disadvantaging my other sister by doing so. We talk probably every three weeks, and I make sure that I don't let all this silliness get in the way of my relationship with her children. Accepting that she is how she is means I don't feel hurt, or get unduly messed around.

bloss · 11/11/2007 11:51

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
DaddyJ · 11/11/2007 20:12

bloss, have you ever seen a movie called 'Happiness'?
American Indie, very dark humour.

It's about three very different sisters
who still try and be there for each other.
Might make you laugh about your own sister (or weep..)

You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
It's unlikely that your sister will ever relate to you
on your terms.
If you make a sustained effort at finding common ground
you might one day be able to connect on
the basis of some kind of lowest common denominator.

ShinyHappyRocketsGoingBANG · 11/11/2007 20:28

Have read this with interest.

DaddyJ where you say "you can't have a deep and meaningful all the time"..I have just realised the basis of why I can't be arsed with answering the phone to some people these days (when I can see who is calling).. it's because I can't actually be arsed at all with meaningless chit chat! There are not enough hours in the say as it is.. and I have found that as I have got older I know so many people who I am on the same wave length as, and could talk to forever that I really don't see the point of spending longer than I really have to, talking to the others.

No wonder my mother thinks I am rude and unsociable! (not that she's one of those I won't chat to!)

DaddyJ · 12/11/2007 09:02

I felt bloss wanted some fresh ideas
so played devil's advocate -
having a healthy contempt for people
who don't listen, who don't take any interest in others
is a major bugbear of mine.

I used to have a girlfriend who never found out
that we actually shared the same first language
because I had spent most of my life in her home country.
She never asked me any questions about myself
so I never told her anything!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page