Oh dear now what do I do?

[UnlikelybutTrue]

I started OLD at the beginning of February. A one month sub. I’m 60 and have been divorced for 11 years after a shit marriage with an abusive bastard.
I got a message from a man who seems sweet, respectful, thoughtful and kind. So far so good. We met for a walk and I like him but he seems very old in his ways. He’s 70 which isn’t a problem, more the fact he seems a very old 70 in his ways. He’s been widowed for 8 years.

His messages and phonecalls are now making it clear he feels his life has purpose since meeting me and how I am precious to him. How our phone calls are a tonic to him (which is something my grandma would have said). I said I liked a certain part of the UK and he said we could make plans to go when the restrictions are lifted. This is all too much too quick. I haven’t known him for two months yet and we have met up once. He is obviously very lonely and is investing a great deal in a relationship with me. I am not sure how I feel yet. I’m not sure how to approach this. I have had a very sheltered life and very little experience or blueprints for healthy relationships and don’t know how to tell him to back off.

Do you still want to be in contact with him?

I think you are right to be wary of the "old man in a hurry" phenomenon. Not being rude, but you don't know a lot about this man. "Old school" could translate into kind and courteous. Or it could turn out he has ailing health and is in need of a carer.

I do think you have to be very selfish. You owe this man absolutely NOTHING. Remember when you are 70, he will be 80. That could mean a lot, in terms of relative health and activity (of course I'm making gross generalisations, I don't know either of you).

So I would be really honest with him and say, it is nice to be appreciated and find someone friendly but you are not interested in moving quickly into a relationship and you are keen to enjoy several friendships before meeting anyone.

You don't need to explain yourself, or explain your history. It is not his business. You are barely more than acquaintance. And you can tell him what you want and don't want, without guilt, and without having to give an account to him of the whys and wherefores.

If he doesnt back off, then just say thank you but it seems like you want different things and you would prefer to end the friendship.

Just repeat to yourself: you owe this man nothing. You are a free agent.

Thank you so much. I have gone straight into my default mode of being nice and not hurting his feelings. But you are right that I don't owe him anything. I feel pressured into feeling more than I feel for him and into making it into a relationship after a few weeks and just the one meeting . I will be honest with him.

If you've never heard of the Freedom Programme I would suggest you look at this online. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at by this individual who seems to be pressing you for something more already.

The previous respondent is indeed right in that you do not owe this man you've met once anything, let alone a relationship here. You are indeed a free agent. Do not JADE i.e justify, argue, defend and or explain any decision you make re him.

I would also look further at your default "being nice and not hurting his feelings" mode in counselling. What did you learn about relationships too when you were growing up, that question needs consideration as well.

Thank you atilla. I have no template for a healthy relationship at all. I've heard of the FP on here but not looked into it. I will do that though. I do feel pressured and you are right I don't have to explain myself to him. This is a totally alien concept - not being nice!!!

You ARE being nice OP - nice to yourself! I often think that as women, we spend so much of life worrying about what other people think and feel, to the detriment of our own wants and needs. It’s absolutely right to put yourself first here.

Great advice from @AttilaTheMeerkat, as always. You don’t owe this man anything at all. Good luck.

treetops. Thank you. This is good to hear. I have enjoyed the years I've had since my divorce and I need to carry on enjoying them on my terms. Thank you.

If you are already getting the oldie vibe from him it's no good. Do not, whatever you do, oldify yourself by getting with someone with an old outlook. You will join them rather than they join you. 60 is not old any more. I am nearly 60 and I am a damn sight fitter and healtheir than most people I know.

Be a bit less commital and make it gently clear that you are dating a lot of other people even if you aren't. This will allow him to get perspective. My DH is 67 but he's like a bloody teen half the time.

It's easy to slide into the behaviour of an older person and men don't manage as well as women living alone. Don;t fall into a trap through politeness. You don't have to be impolite, just firm.

@Treetops73

You ARE being nice OP - nice to yourself! I often think that as women, we spend so much of life worrying about what other people think and feel, to the detriment of our own wants and needs. It’s absolutely right to put yourself first here.

Great advice from @AttilaTheMeerkat, as always. You don’t owe this man anything at all. Good luck.

This.

AND it wouldn't be nice anyway to keep seeing / speaking to someone who made you cringe / feel sorry for them etc if their expectation is a romantic dynamic and you know that isn't what you want with them.

So you're being nice to you and him really.

But you have no obligation to be 'nice' to anyone at the expense of what is best for you. Don't do any more dating until you really understand and can live by that

Decide whether you want to end it or not. Take the bull by the horns op!

If you do, just be honest with him. Say that the things he is saying are making you uncomfortable as you don't feel the same way and you don't want to be dishonest and mislead him and you feel that it would be best to end things. Then be quiet and don't fill in the silence.

If you do then say the same as above but you need to be clear that you feel uneasy as he is going far too fast and you need to take it much more slowly and you don't want to give him false hope as it's far too early to know how you feel yet, and you are seeing different people.

Fwiw op, my parents had 10 years between them, and it never caused any issues until the end of their lives when the age gap became more marked as the years went on. Having said that, I know many 'young in spirit' and energetic 70 year olds so it's not all about physical age, it's about mental attitude.

If he never called again how would you feel? If it would be a relief then you have your answer on what to do next.

I would also remind you that you are not responsible for his wellbeing.

“I have gone straight into my default mode of being nice and not hurting his feelings.”

As I get older, I have realised that people-pleasing and being nice are quite selfish ways to behave. They’re about wanting to be liked and they also put the onus for looking after ourselves on the other person instead of taking responsibility for it ourselves. So it’s only superficially nice. It’s been a helpful realisation.

I’m not suggesting you should be gratuitously unkind but if you don’t want to see him then stringing him along prevents him from meeting someone who might really want to be with him and that’s not doing him a kindness. And you don’t owe him a relationship. You also have a duty to look after yourself.

AaSaat. That is such a good question and the answer is relief.

Ernie. I have friends of 70 and one of my brothers is also 70 and they are absolutely not old in their outlook or behaviour so I totally agree. There’s 70 and there’s 70. I feel like Im talking to someone of a different generation when we speak. He seems really honest but I’m struggling to believe he’s not older than he says. I will tell him it isn’t going to work. It has really helped starting this thread as I have so little experience of what a healthy relationship looks or feels like and hate to think I’ve upset someone. But it is absolutely right that he is not my responsibility and it’s actually not being kind if I don’t tell him it’s not going to go any further.

Ask yourself whether he'd want to go out with an 80 year old.

Thing is OP , at 60 (and I’m 60 this year) if I went out with a 70 year old, I would be thinking more ‘Neil Young’ -not someone who I instantly thought of as ‘old/pensioner. It’s not an age thing, it’s a style and attitude thing and this guy sounds like he’s an old 70– and unless you are an extremely ‘old’ 60– I can’t see this working

yetmorecrap im a really young 60 and he’s a really old 70. You are right, it’s not going to work.