I need help to save my marriage

[Poppyseedjoy]

Me and my husband are not doing very well together, it has been at least one year, I know we had lockdown but I think our issues go beyond there. We met 5 years ago, we moved in together after 6 months, married after 18 months, had our first baby 9 months after getting married, bought an house and had our 2nd baby one year ago. Lots of changes in a very short amount of time. We both wanted kids and we love them. But my husband works very late (albeit at home) and helps very little with the kids, he also like to play and would come to bed at 2 am every night. He would not wake in the night for the kids (both wake frequently and is always me), I recently got back to work after mat leave and I am knackered. When I ask for help he suggest we get an au pair because he connects to work at 7,30 am and finishes at 6 pm for a little break to help a bit with the kids and then would go again in front of the PC from 8 pm until 2 am, this is either during the week or the weekend (maybe the weekend a bit more breaks to crash asleep in front of the tv). We very rarely have a short walk together kind twice per month.
We started seeing a therapist since a month, to be honest not much has changed. I don't want to get separated but I have enough of being treated like that. I want to save our marriage but I am so very tired and disappointed. I am aware than 2.small kids are hard work but I do wake every single day at 5,30 am to be with them plus wake on average 4 times between midnight and 5,30 I am exhausted. Can you help me to see the light in this situation and to point me toward how to get over this and go back to be happy?

I think his au pair idea is a good one. Why don't you try it. Looking after 2 kids is knackering and if it gives you the opportunity to spend some quality time with your dh thats a good thing isn't it?

Yes, unless the au pair suggestion is just a way of her DH avoiding an active contribution to family life. It sounds as if he is not making any effort to maintain their relationship, which will subject to stress when caring for young kids (not to mention lack of sleep).

Keep going with the therapy for now, a month in is still very early and bring able to communicate with each other is key. Have you told him you miss spending time with him OP (assuming you do)?

Your husband is being lazy and a neglectful parent. It also seems like he is addicted to gaming. He is the one who needs therapy, not you.

I seriously doubt this will get better any time soon or at all. The question is if you want to continue living like this. Right now you are basically picking up the slack for a grown-ass toddler, who is just making work for you and not doing his share of the house-hold duties.

I can’t see the light for you I’m sorry. I see it as crystal clear that he doesn’t really love his children if he never makes any time for them or looks after them.

Thanks ladies for getting back to me. The idea of the au pair is just so he won't need to help. We do gave a spare room but I am not keen in having someone living with us to be honest since the common spaces are limited. Also we both have an office job with regular hours and our kids go to nursery so we don't really need any further help if he did his share. I don't want a divorce or a separation to be honest, but I cannot carry like this either. He would do very little very occasionally. For example last night he came to bed at 2 am, I woke up at 5,30 and dressed the kids, had breakfast and we went to wake him up at 9 and he complaint about it then he looked after the kids 30 minutes and now he has gone to the computer for the rest of the day. I am very anxious around weekends or Bank Holidays because unless I see some friends which has not been much of an option lately, I am always alone with the kids. We go to couple therapy but I know a months is not that long and is a long way. I spoke to him so many times he said that he is very busy with work and I don't understand and I want him to lose his job which of course make no sense whatsoever.

He spends 11 hours a day working and six hours a day gaming while you do all the childcare? WTF? He's a waste of space, his commitment to his family seems to be zero, he needs to make some petty radical changes otherwise there is no future in this relationship.

I'm afraid @catskippy is probably right- he is addicted to gaming and it may be very difficult for him to stop.

Is he gaming 8pm until he goes to bed?

It's an old cliché, but worth repeating, you can't change someone else's behaviour only your own.

I totally understand you don't want to separate, but your DH isn't acting as part of a family with 2 small children. I disagree about the counselling, assuming it's weekly and the counsellor is any good, some inkling of what the fuck is happening in his marriage should be getting through to his brain. So if he is not willing / able to change you have 2 choices - put up or ship out. Stark, possibly harsh but them's the chips.

You can't expect him to change if you don't change first; he's alright - where's his motivation to change. If he's like many men, he can zone out the 'nagging' and have a comfortable life with lil' wifey at home doing everything. And that's without any gaming addiction on top.

May I suggest you have some solo counselling to work out what you want from life, and take it from there. I'm sorry but you're going to have to take a leap of faith in your strength and resilience without him, even if you 'stay in the marriage'.

He cant go to bed at 2am I'd your kids wake at 530. He needs to change and if he can't see that I don't think anything you do will make any difference.

He does sound like a waste of space. He needs to parent his children and spending six hours gaming while you do the hard yards doesn’t cut it. After all, if you did divorce and he had was solely responsibly it is not as though he can game for six hours!

*some sole responsibility

@Poppyseedjoy

He's not even trying is he ??

I'd suggest that while he is 'at work', you go to his XBox (or whatever he games on), and remove the connecting wires then hide them.

Then tell him that he either joins his own fucking family straight after work, or he leaves !

"23updownroundandround

@Poppyseedjoy

He's not even trying is he ??

I'd suggest that while he is 'at work', you go to his XBox (or whatever he games on), and remove the connecting wires then hide them.

Then tell him that he either joins his own fucking family straight after work, or he leaves !"

Exactly this ...has he even acknowledged in therapy that he does his own thing well into the night every night with no thought as to the impact on you or his little family. He will be a bad example too to his little kids when they understand this dynamic as they get older.

Sounds like he has opted out of family life

He sounds like one of those useless men who doesn’t expect to have to do anything for his own children and doesn’t expect his life to change at all.

Posted too soon. He sounds immature, selfish and neglectful. Has he explained why he thinks he should be able to game all evening and ignore you and your DCs?