My own mother admitted she rejected me at birth

[JC2021]

Me and my mother have never been very close, as I'm older now I can feel a somewhat tension and distance, mostly since having my son and me setting boundaries... She is very toxic deep down and I don't think she wants to see me happy. She prefers my sister over me and makes that pretty clear.. She has never supported me, went through a really tough time with our son and she wasn't really 'there' at all to help..

She recently got upset and said she had rejected me at birth and it took her a while to come round.. my brother has no relationship with her - she had a terrible upbringing but it's like any happiness she sees in me she will try bring it down..

I suffer with low self esteem and depression, although have a somewhat toxic relationship with husband..

I feel like just leaving them all behind and going off with my son..

I have realised how many negative relationships I have around me and how this has kept me feeling low and shitty about myself for years.

My mother has helped my sister and bent over backwards for her family, helping with her son and her - but nothing for me.. My son loves her and i don't want to affect their relationship..

what to do...?

Thanks x

Your mum may well had when you and or your brother where born untreated Postpartum psychosis or postpartum depression.

But
That does not mean you have her in your life .
Getting rid of negative people is one best thing you can do.

You know what’s best for your son and having a negative person in his life who isn’t kind to his mum isn’t necessary.

I think your idea to start afresh is a good one.

Obviously he has a right to see his dad so I would mediate for contact etc.

But if you can remove yourself and son from the day to day negativity then that can only be a good thing.

Some family systems need a scapegoat. Sounds like you have always been the scapegoat in your family. I'm my family's scapegoat as well.

My family use me to feel superior. It's exhausting.

Ps, i agree, work on self-compassion (look up kirsten neff)
Do what's right for you. Your son has you.

How old is your son?. Do you really think your mother loves your child; she likely sees him merely as a tool to use for her own ends as you are or as a form of narcissistic supply. Do you really think its a good idea for they to have any form of a relationship when your own mother has admitted she rejected you at birth?. If she is too toxic/difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your son as well. You both need to stay away from her. Toxic parents more often than not also become toxic grandparents and narcissistic people in particular make for being deplorably awful grandparent figures. Your son needs emotionally healthy role models as grandparents; your mother is not emotionally healthy.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours here is the scapegoat whilst your sister's is the golden child. Your brother was likely also scapegoated and has now opted out completely; that is something you also need to do ultimately. Her own terrible upbringing is no excuse either and its something that she went onto repeat with you people as her children. She had a choice when it came to you all and she chose that low road. Women like your mother cannot do relationships and that is not your fault either nor the fact she is the ways she is.

BTW you do not mention your dad here; is he at all in your life now?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you here. Small wonder therefore that your self worth and self esteem is through the floor; you have also written about your H before as well and he to me seems highly similar to your own mother. Your own dysfunctional upbringing played a part in leading you to your now H.

You are going to have to let go of any and all hopes that she will somehow change and say sorry to you. Such types really do not and actually can get worse with age. Toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?. Your relationship with your H is not good and you have also previously written about him. What do you get out of that relationship now?.

I do think that you sitting on your own with a counsellor or therapist could help you no end to move forward. I would also look into seeking legal advice with a view to separation and divorce. You only as well need to give your own self permission to leave.

My mum told me that she rejected me when I was born - she did it before I could reject her. She told me that very matter of factly 20 years ago when we were sitting in the car. She also strongly favours my sister and has over the years helped her out instead of me. She has no disability or inability to look after herself, but she is very needy. There have been times my parents have been at my house to help (dad showing me how to tile a wall is one example) and my sister called to ask for a lift to my parents house knowing full well they were at mine. We are over an hour from her house and she is not far from my parents. They left, tiling undone. Dad had to come back a week later.

They also offer to help and pull back. They have offered to have my children for a week in school holidays and then returned them two days early because they couldn't refuse an invitation to a friend's dinner party as they had said no before. Or when I was ill and needed help with my toddler, they couldn't come to help as my sister needed someone to be with her to talk to an estate agent. So both went to her and I coped. I only ever ask if DH cannot he there. They know this but blame him. But they also tell me all the time they will help whenever I call.

I believe that she is a narcissist. Many many other reasons. She had a toxic upbringing and is controlling. She likes getting a reaction from me - she told me that when my daughter turns 7 she will not want to know me any more. And many other things effectively trying to force a wedge between me and my own children.

It has massively impacted me. But I saw a counsellor. That has hugely helped. It doesn't change my mum but I changed me and how I react. I realised that I'm not an awful person like she told me I am.

I would recommend finding a counsellor or therapist, even telephone consults will be good. Talk to someone and it will help you unravel how you feel and think.