When baby is ill partner refuses to take time off.......

[roseblade]

Am wondering if anyone is having a similar problem to me and if so how they are coping. I have a beautiful one yr old boy. I returned to work when he was 5 1/2 months old and chose a local nursery which had been recommended. Since he has been attending he has been ill at least twice a month and ususally has to have one or two days off each time (i work three days a week). the problem is that my partner will NOT take any time whatsoever off his job to do his share of the childcare when the little one is ill. This is causing lots of problems for me in my job as I work in the health service and unplanned absences cause a lot of disrution, although it has to be said my employers have so far been really understanding. My partner works in a managerial role in the private sector. Since having our child I feel that my career has become a poor second to my partners even though we earn the same pro rata and I have spent years studying to gain the position I am in. My partner takes the view that as I 'only' work part time it is somehow easier for me to take time off, in reality it is harder to maintain the semblance of a career part time. each time our son is sick it is the same scenario, he promises to take his turn 'next time' but then when that time comes he has a meeting that he absolutely cannot get out of. The last few weeks I have been feeling so low, with the worry of constantly letting work down and on the other hand worrying myself sick when I am at work and my son is not 100% well in the nursery or I am worrying that he will come down with something else during the day. I have been feeling so furious and resentful towards my partner and have even considered leaing as it feels like I am a single parent in this. then I think maybe I should leave my job which I love and have worked hard to get, and find a lower paid job but less responsible position somehere else, or maybe give up work altogether but really that is not a feasible option. I have considered alternatie childcare but we cannot afford a nanny.
sorry this is a bit of a rant but i would be grateful for any thoughts/ advice similar experiencesas its really getting me down!!

have you told you partner how you feel?

When you both work, you both have to take the responsibility when your DS is ill

FWIW, when my DS started nursery he was ill a lot - me and DH had to juggle things to make sure we could handle it.

Your DP is making a tricky situation harder than it should be

What would happen if next time you had a meeting you absolutely could not get out of?

I had the same with DH (or exDH as he is now). Every parent has childcare issues. Mine wouldn't take his turn either. Once a selfish bstrd always a selfish bstrd. You either accept it or move on.

Sorry, probably not very helpful

To be honest, you will never find a job where unplanned absences due to a child's sickness just somehow fits in - and, frankly, why should you?

I'm in a different position to you (and, god knows, most people) in that dh is a SAHD but in chronically ill, so can manage at a push but it is a genuine push. I often do have work situations which require me to be there but I will work those obligations around childcare, and do the level best that I can.

Your dp needs to acknowledge his responsibilities. I deliberately left the private sector when I got pregnant, mainly because of these difficulties. But you both need to work through it to the best of your joint abilities. It doesn't sound like this is happening. He can get out of/rearrange these meetings - we don't like to do it because of the perceived 'weakness' in having to make things work around family life, but my god, I have to do it every day (and work in the health service).

Thanks rubyslippers and Nineunlikely tales...my partner knows 100% how I feel, we have discussed/rowed about it so many times...for example last night baby was feverish and i said 'maybe you will have to take time off tomorrow..' he then got into a really black mood and was downright nasty to me almost as if i had brought on the baby's feer to annoy him!! Its wierd as in most ways he is a good/reasonable partner, caring hardworking and affectionate but he definately sees baby as more my responsibility than his. the thing is i can't go on like this as its making me ill, was off last week with D and V and chest infection as am such a low ebb....Gp gave me prescription for antidepressants (I must hae looked a sad sight as i didnt mention anything about feeling low lol!). I just can't seem to get through to him!

Am sorry to say that this was a common theme running through my marriage with ex DH. Both my DS's were very ill when they started nursery and he was not really willing to do his fair share at all. Was very detached from it all and openly expressed his exasperation when they were ill.

Things have improved now as they are older and although we are divorced I do still rely on him a bit.

He also never did and still does not do his fair share in terms of picking up and dropping off and generally having them according to the sort of routine we agreed. But I have less leverage now we are divorced as I am the resident parent. He tends to cherry pick and has alot more freedom socially than I do.

I always felt and still do that my career somehow came second by default in his eyes although we are not that different in earning power.

ANd I know it's so exhausting to continually be on someone's back about this - you want them to do their fair share without asking!

Having time off when you are part time is really really hard, or at least I found it to be so. I used to work 2 days a week when dd was little and if I was ill for 2 days, was effectively the equivalent of being off for more than a whole week, particularly since I had my own caseload.
I was fortunate in that my mother looked after dd.
Since I had ds I have been a SAHM, albeit freelancing while he is at a childminder 2 mornings and week and dd is at school. Being a freelancer does mean though that if either one of them is off or ill, then I can always make up time in the evenings.
You can't do that and it is exceptionally unfair that all the burden of sickness cover is falling on you particularly when your absences have a greater impact upon your workload and caseload since there isn't the opportunity for you to "make up" the time on another day, unlike your husband.
OUt of interest though, is your job the type where you could go into the office on a different day that week? So for example, if your ds was ill on a work day, and your husband had a meeting so couldn't be off, could he not take a day off later in the week so that you could make up the time then? I see that you're in the health service, but is that office/caseload based, where you'd maybe have a bit more flexibility? I only ask because that might be a way of sort of "trumping" his excuse (not saying it's not genuine) that he can't look after your ds on a particular day.
The bottom line though is that he is being really unfair to you and is not being at all understanding of your work commitments. Can't think of a solution apart from you stamping your foot and making it crystal clear that work is as important, both financially and emotionally, as his.

Stick to your guns! Get him to agree that next time WILL be his turn, regardless of meetings blah di blah blah. Then let him sulk about it when it happens. He'll live.

How does he feel about you downshifting/being a SAHM? If he's got some private notion that actually, wouldn't it be great to have you at home - & it really isn't what you want/feasible - you probably need to spell out to him that that won't be happening...just in case that's his agenda (maybe not even consciously).

Did his mother work? Did his father share childcare? It could be that he has a mental 'model' of a family which is based on hunter-gatherer & child-carer...

Is he usually a hands on dad?

Maybe the thought of being at home with a sick child is terryfying him? Maybe he thinks he cannot cope? It is hard for some men to admit that.

Oh - & have you considered a CM? Ours takes minor lurgies in her stride (on the basis that hey ho, if her dd's going to catch whatever my kids have she probably already has, they may as well all sneeze/puke together).

A colleague of mine who uses a nursery is always needing time off because her ds has a runny nose & nursery won't have him - a CM may be a bit more, well, robust about it. Might be worth considering if time off is a major isssue for both you & dh (it is for us).

Oh that's another good point. I've only kept ds off from the CM for chicken pox (but then her dcs got it anyway) and for high temp. Both times, I just felt that he would be better at home with me (like I said, isn't the end of the world because can make up the time in the evening or at weekend). But each time CM would have been happy for him to be with her.

I agree about the CM idea, it may take the heat off a little bit.

Other than that, I do agree that it's got to be spelled out to your DH that next time, it's his turn. OK, he might get into a black mood and be nasty, you can't actually make him respond in a certain way, but what you CAN do is stop letting his response change your actions. He can strop, sulk, etc, the fact has to remain that it is his turn......

I have to say my DH is generally fab and a truly great dad, but even he had this 'black mood' descend when it was spelled out that I'd done my turns, now it was his! I think he found it stressful and awkward to ask for the time; AS DID I!!!! Don't forget you're not asking of him anything you haven't done. So stick to it and remember don't let his response change things.

Why don't you hire one of these "emergency one-off" nannies that you see advertised in the back of all the chavvy-babby mags?
Hire her (or indeed, him), and if your DH wangles out of his day off, invoice him for the day.
even if he doesn't cough up that once, it'll make him think twice about shirking next time.
I can se this being a prob at Chez minou in the future, and this is one of my pre-emptive ideas.

just wondering not trying to insent. if you are working 3 days a week does that mean you ARE ONLY PART TIME OR ARE YOU WORKING VERY LONG SHIFTS TO MAKE UP FULL TIME HOURS? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE PART TIME AND YOUR DH IS FULL TIME I WOULD IMAGINNE THE FAMILY RELIES MORE ON HIS INCOME THAN YOUR (IF I AM WRONG please correct me as i mean no disrespect) also sorry about the caps i don't know what's happened there.

Thanks all for the replies. Although i do enjoy my job it it were financially viable I would choose to be a SAHM at least for a year or two. Unfortunately we need my earnings (I work 26 hours over 3 days) and also the security of my job as my partner's job is not as secure as mine.
The idea ref the emergency nanny might be a good last resort for the days when i really HAVE to be at work, I wasn't aware such a thing existed, I will stipulate that my partner pays the bill lol!! Eeryone who has said I should stick to my guns and refuse to back down are SO RIGHT but its a question of having the energy to do that I suppose, I'm sure there are millions of women who feel like this maybe about different issues but it seems to be a real problem.