Commitment

[Beaubells3]

Hi Guys,
I’ve been with my partner for almost 23 years, however, in that time we’ve never lived together.
When we met I was on my own with 2 children, and he’s been great with them over the years, buying them everything, holidays etc but he’s never shown any real effort to commit to our relationship.
He had always lived with his parents, and has promised over the years to buy a house, even taking me to look at houses, but then changing his mind, and saying the time isn’t right. I would have also liked to have a child together, but by the time he decided that would be ok, I was having health problems which affected my fertility. Money has always been an issue, even though I have worked long hours over the years, living on my wage was always hard, and I struggled at times. His reaction was that I was useless with money, needed to sort myself out etc. We even split up at one point because he said I needed to sort my life out, and he needed a break from me.
Anyway, last year both his parents died within a sort period of time. As an only child he struggled, so I was there, helping to arrange the funerals, sorting out the estate, arranging transfers of property, bills, etc. As he inherited the house, he then expected me to move over there with him. But the house is in a poor area, and in a state of disrepair. I’m not being a snob, but my house is an affordable new build, and is perfect for me, so I don’t want to move. This has caused more issues now, due to the costs of keeping two houses, even though I keep myself. I thought now that his parents have passed, and he is completely alone, he would make more of a commitment, but nothing has changed. He seems quite comfortable carrying on, on his own, and doing his own thing. Now I’m not stupid, and I know many of you will tell me what I already know, which is dump him!! But I find that hard to do after all these years. And I don’t know why, but I’m afraid of never finding anyone again, I’m not one for going out, and would probably only attract the worst kind of men. Help!!!

He sounds like a bit of a weirdo. Never let fear of not finding someone else hold you back if it’s not working for you. And why would you think you would only attract the wrong sort of man? You might find someone lovely. Stick to your guns and to what you want from your life, you might find that this is what he needs to boost him into action to keep you. Why can’t he sell the family home and you both buy somewhere together?

He sounds like he’s strung you along for 23 years and you’ve clung on to him, which shows him that he doesn’t have to try to keep you. I think you showing some confidence and backbone will only be a win-win for you - either he won’t change but your new found attitude will attract the right guy (and just be great for you generally, which is actually more important) or he’ll sharpen up his act and realise he has to work, listen to you and appreciate your needs if he wants you in his life.

Thanks Pbur! That’s exactly how I feel, strung along. The house has too many memories apparently as it’s the house he’s been in all his life. I did suggest renting it out, which initially peaked his interest, but that’s been forgotten about as well now. I just feel that he loves his life there, on his own, doing his own thing too much, and will never change. We have split several times over the way he speaks to me, and his lack of commitment, but he comes back, promises me the world, and on it goes again...

Plenty of couples have excellent relationships without living together. You have the best of both worlds.

You can't expect him to ever change, he's proved that long enough. It's sad you've waited so long on him. Either carry on forever like this or take a chance in life to allow a new relationship with possibilities, which direction do you want more?

The way he speaks to you?