Reconciliation

[wutmithnkng]

Three months ago I left my husband and filed for divorce after he got into a verbal and physical altercation with our 10yo. This was the final straw in eight months of increasingly verbally and physically aggressive behavior from my husband. He also threw a water bottle next to my head to intimidate me, and punched the bedroom door during an argument.

We have been together 15 years and married for 12. He does have a medical disorder that affects his behavior regulation and inhibition. In the 15 years we have been together, he has had verbally abusive outbursts due to this disorder, but usually he would have around 3 outbursts a year, nothing like the last 8 months of just continuous verbal abuse. He had never previously done anything physical like throwing things at me or punching things either.

Since I left he has gotten on medication and started going to therapy. My solicitor has been advising me not to talk to H this whole time and I haven’t until yesterday. Yesterday we talked for four hours and he is open to spending the next 6 months working on himself and our relationship. He will live separately and attend counseling and parenting classes.

His headspace is completely different from when we left three months ago. I could have only described him as being deranged at that time.

I know he is capable of doing the work and making changes because he did it about eight years ago, but then it was caught much earlier in the process.

I am not interested in hearing a bunch of comments saying he is not going to change. I know it is going to be an uphill road if we do decide to reconcile. There are boundaries in place to protect me and our son if it does end up all being just a bunch of talk.

I would like to hear from people who have healed or attempted to heal their marriage after hitting a very bad place. What they wish they knew, what to watch out for, things to think about, etc.

Thank you lovely mums

No experience to offer any advice, other than giving it lots of time so you can be sure he has really truly changed

Be very very careful and keep your wits about you.

If you are not interested in hearing comments that suggest you shouldn’t get back with a man who abused your child, then maybe asking members of an asylum would be a better fit

Protect your child. Let him do the work. Give it 5 years before you let him move back in.

The 'you are not moving back in' boundary is the minimum needed to protect your son.

I think you are massively underestimating how difficult it is to change, especially when his tactics have worked so well for the whole of his life. He has physically assualted your child, and your child NEEDS to feel safe in his home (Maslows Heirarchy of needs). His need for safety trumps your abusive husband's need for reconciliation.

If he is serious about changing, he will do it happily with the 'no cohabitation for 5 years' boundary in place, because he will be appreciative of you giving him a chance that he does not deserve at all.

If not, you'll see that he will lose interest in changing completely. Because his desire to change is most likely only a tactic to get you back so he can abuse you and your children some more.

You will find your thread very empty, because they don't change. I say it again, protect your child by keeping his home free of his abuser.

Live separately. Your ds needs a safe home. You need to put him first.

When your ds is an adult, then live together if you want to.

Unbelievable.

Put your child first. Do not reconcile.

Here is a little more background info, I tried through the legal system to get a protection order, and no unsupervised custody. The court refused to listen to my recording and it looks like they are going to give H 50/50 unsupervised custody with no orders to attend any kind of counseling.

I offered H to get family counseling and put the divorce on hold for six months if he would move out and do counseling and parenting classes. If he agrees he would have limited visitation where I would be present and if he starts engaging in any kind of verbal abuse he would have to leave immediately or I call the police.

This is me doing my best to protect my child, because the law won't. I just want to know if there is a chance in hell of it actually working.

Your DP sounds very like mine. What behavioural disorder does he have? I hope things go smoothly for you in your attempt to reconciliate.

This is me doing my best to protect my child, because the law won't. I just want to know if there is a chance in hell of it actually working.

OP you've not mentioned your Child needs once...

and bringing the abuser back into the home is your idea of fixing this is ... 🤔

Im not going to say anymore..

I know you said you only want to hear advice that supports reconciliation but you can't expect people to say nothing on a public forum when you're essentially thinking about letting your child's abuser back into the home ???