Friendship issues - how to handle it?

[scaredsadandstuck]

Am going to try to keep this brief and vague as it's outing.

I am in a long standing group of friends who have known each other for 20+ years. I have been told by one member of the group that another member is hurt and upset because they feel I am behaving negatively towards them.

I don't think this is completely true or fair - and I think that there's evidence to show the opposite is the case.

The person who is upset is the one I am least close to and I think if I met them today we wouldn't naturally be friends. I have felt increasingly distant/disconnected and even irritated by them over recent years. Although obviously I have tried not to show this, I appreciate she is probably picking up on it. I have been thinking of leaving our group chat for a good few months as I often come away from it feeling upset or anxious. However, the upset person is still an old friend, and is very close to the other two in the group, who I care about very much and would hate to lose their friendship.

What would you do? Would you stand up for yourself or would you apologise for the hurt and upset you have been told you have caused, even if you feel it's unjustified?

I'd contact the upset person directly to give them the opportunity to tell you if you've done/said something to hurt them - if you have you can try to sort it out privately. Otherwise you're relying on hearsay and Chinese whispers.

I think there is always some kind of problem with friendship groups. I agree with PP you should speak directly to the person you've allegedly upset.

I can't bear this kind of stuff, puts me off being in groups of people, and especially these WhatsApp groups that have sprouted over the last few years!

This is all very childish. Contact the person directly. Don’t lose your friends of twenty years. That’s rare and you won’t get it back. Do you see the others one to one or is it always group chats?

I wouldn’t apologise for hurt and upset if I didn’t really know what the person was upset by, or if it was likely that my attitude towards them wouldn’t really change. You could address this directly with her and try to move on from there. Or if you don’t really want that confrontation, reflect on anything she might realistically be upset by (you’ve probably done this already) and try to subtly change your approach to some situations/conversations.

I'd come off the WhatsApp group, because you want to and because it's sensible not to be part of something that's causing you distress.

The friendship group is difficult. I don't do drama.

Let's be honest you don't really like this irritating person and it probably shows. There's nothing wrong with not liking someone though and it doesn't sound as though you're being negative to her, more that she's picked up on there being something not right between the two of you. But if you're being friendly and not being rude then her feelings are her problem. I wouldn't say anything to her about it because she hasn't approached you, which she could do if she wanted to.

I'd have said to the other friend who mentioned it to you, something along the lines of "it's a shame she feels that way, I've got nothing against her". If they brought it up again in the future I'd shut it down. Tell them firmly you're not being negative towards her and you don't want to hear any more about it, if she's upset with you she can come and speak to you herself. For all you know this messenger person could just be shit stirring about something the other one said in the heat if the moment after a bad day, which they might have expected to never be repeated to anyone else. Or the messenger could be trying to deliberately start drama where there is literally none and the supposedly hurt person hasn't said anything at all.

I wouldn't give it any more headspace than that. Be friends with whoever you want to be friends with, politely tolerate those you'd prefer not to see, if they're part of the group and let others do the same. If people decide not to be friends with you because they sense you don't like this other upset friend, that's upto them. Just let whatever is going to happen, happen. IMO relationships of any kind just shouldn't be a major effort or full of drama, they should be fun, relaxing and supportive.

Just because the messenger has appointed themselves peacemaker between you and the other friend, it doesn't mean you have to accept them in that role. There's no point in apologizing to someone for something you haven't done, because if you didn't do it then you can't change it, so the upset one will still be upset because your behaviour will remain the same. Unless you're planning to be fake and go all out in pretending to like her. I can't see the point of being friends with that group if you can't be yourself.

leave the group 🌸

I think you should give this person a chance. Everyone has had a strange year and she may well be irritating you infer these circumstances but more tolerable normally. I would mute the group to give yourself a break and see how things pan out for the next few months befor doing anything tash.

I would stay in the group - long friendships with a shared history are precious. You have admitted you have issues with this person so maybe try to address this by being aware and trying to indirectly make amends. Or take the messenger to one side and ask their advice? Would be a shame for the group to collapse if u genuinely have a good friendship