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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to respond to this?

10 replies

SmilingGeraffe · 01/04/2021 00:56

My bf of 2 years was made redundant a few weeks ago. Obvioudly we knew it was coming but it still felt pretty brutal. We don't live together and both divorced with children.

Hes been very busy applying for jobs, which is great. He's very aware he may lose his home if he doesn't find anything soon (I've also said he could stay with me if he needed to). I'm trying to be very supportive. He seems to be glad of my support, he messages every day and phones when I'm on a break at work, we talk for up to an hour each day on the phone, mostly about his applications but some other chat too. He asks me what I think of each job he's applied for etc.

A couple of times he's seemed very stressed/depressed and I've offered to have my mum look after my kids so I can visit him (he lives 45 minutes away). He's ignored the offers. I've seen him less than I used to (his choice) but wasnstill once a week or so, but generally initiated by me.

However, we've reached a point where we have no 'plans' to see each other. He's not taken me up on my offer to see him last week, this week, next week. I'm understanding, he's in a horribly stressful situation and finding work is most important. However, I'm finding it odd that he doesn't want to see me in person, particularly when he does seem to want to talk to me a lot on the phone. Obviously I'm very worried about him and his mental health. I've made it clear that I'm here for him whenever he needs me, by phone or in person, there is no pressure.

He knows that if I see him I'll happily make dinner, I'm a relaxing person etc and we can talk through jobs/finances as much as he wants to (as we do on the phone most days). Does it seem unusual for someone to shut themselves off like this? What more can I do? As I say, to a large extent I let myself be guided by his communication, I respond when he contacts me and I check in casually at least once a day if he's gone quiet. He has mild aspergers which may also influence his response a bit.

OP posts:
seensome · 01/04/2021 01:48

I think step back from him, I know it's a stressful situation for him but he should be more grateful for your support not making you feel stressed with you. Stop the checking up and the willing to drop your children to go to him, don't advertise yourself as a doormat, let him come to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2021 01:57

I would stop chasing him. You matter, too, you know. All I see from him is me, me, me.

SmilingGeraffe · 01/04/2021 07:14

Thanks that's true, he is solely focused on finding a new job. I'm finding it hard and very stressful to be dealing with all the job discussions etc but he's ignoring anytime I suggest seeing him. He does have time to see me, he's choosing not to though.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 01/04/2021 07:43

How often did you meet in person before he was made redundant, during & before the pandemic?

category12 · 01/04/2021 08:14

Ask him straight out why he doesn't want to make plans to see you.

SmilingGeraffe · 01/04/2021 08:57

@Walkacrossthesand we used to see each other twice a week. It's gradually got less once possible redundancy was announced and now I'm not sure why he wants to chat so much but not physically see me. I've suggested we can just chill and watch TV, go for a walk or whatever (ie not need sex, although he usually likes) so no pressure.

I seem to have become a listener/counsellor.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 01/04/2021 09:05

He sounds depressed, maybe embarrassed. Still I do not know what to make of it, I would prefer to have a partner that turns to me when times are tough, not shut me out and leave me wondering what is happening. Sorry that is not more helpful.

pog100 · 01/04/2021 09:14

Honestly just ask him. I can't see what's to be gained from second guessing, asking here, wondering and tying yourself in knots. Any decent relationship should be open enough to just directly explore why he hasn't wanted to see you. It might provoke answers you don't want but that's good too.

Sssloou · 01/04/2021 09:36

You sound passive.

You take all his calls on his terms.
You offer to go to him.

He is taking and you are getting nothing in return.

I would review how fulfilling the RS was for you before this issue and if good then I would consider he is depressed and anxious and it will pass once he has a job.

However I would also look out for any spiral in his MH.

You mentioned sex - often libido collapses in stressful times he may be avoiding you physically for that reason right now.

I would TELL him you are dropping by one morning over the Easter Weekend and want to meet for a short walk.

edwinbear · 01/04/2021 16:38

My experience with depressed men is that they withdraw. They want to shut themselves away from the world. Even if the things you're proposing to do might lift their spirits a bit, they see it as pressure. It's very hard to deal with as you care and want to help, but they won't communicate. I think you really should step back and let him sort himself out. Stop messaging, let him miss you and wonder where you've gone.

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