Alcoholic partner, upset child - considering leaving

[PopKid1987]

My partner has had a drinking problem for some time and it seems to be getting worse. Hardly a day passes without him having a drink, and when he has one he doesn't stop until he's totally pissed. He's (currently) an amiable drunk, but I am very worried about the effects on our 9 year old son who has become very aware of his Dad's drinking and gets very upset by it. He (son) has started telling me that he 'feels sad for no reason' and this makes me think he's starting to suffer from depression as a result of his Dad's drinking. He is also anxious every evening about whether his dad will be drinking, how much he'll have, etc.

I am despairing as DP is showing no inclination to tackle his problem. I am starting to think I should leave (with my son) as it's becoming unbearable. However, my son has told me that he'd be devastated if we didn't all live together as he loves his Dad. I also worry about DP's general mental health as there is clearly underlying anxiety and depression and he talks about self harm and worse. I'm scared that if I leave it'll tip him over the edge.

I'd really appreciate hearing from others with similar experiences.

Have you spoken with DP? Maybe telling him your sons concerns etc will give him the kick up the backside he needs?

I'm sorry, I don't really know how I would approach this, but sounds like DP needs to sort it out and get help.

I hope you and your son are ok xx

Tell your partner that he drinks less or when he goes over 3-4 beers in a night (or whatever units)- that you will leave him and take your son bc he's becoming an alcoholic

It's all very well tiptoeing but sometimes you gotta be upfront and blunt

Please contact the NACOA to find out how a parent’s drinking affects a child.
You and your son are in a no-win situation but if you take him away from the drinking then you may well find that his anxiety lessens, even if he is very upset about the split. Your primary job is to protect him, not your husband.
You could also contact Al-Anon for help for yourself (this is for friends and relatives of people with an alcohol problem) to get support. Don’t keep this a secret.
It’s a horrible situation and one I know all too well.

Please leave for your sons sake, I also have a 9 year old who has not seen his Alcoholic dad in 3 years because of the way he treat me. My son has anxiety now because of it, but is much more settled and safe and has no interest in seeing his dad at all, calls him by his name instead of dad.

If you want any meaningful relationship with your son when he’s an adult, or to try and protect his self worth and mental health, then leave your DP.

Your DP is broken and you cannot fix him, he may be unfixable, a lot are.

Don’t sacrifice your son for your DP, it’s futile and your son won’t forgive you when he’s old enough to understand that both his parents let him down by allowing him to live with an alcoholic.

This is one of those times where you need to put your son first. He needs to be protected. Even if his dad isn't abusive, your son can still suffer mental harm. I hope you and your boy get the support you both need.

I'm the child of an alcoholic father and it's messed me up in ways that I will never fully recover from. Please leave this man for your sons sake.

Please leave. My late husband was an alcoholic. I stayed too long and my DDs have suffered a lot of trauma as a result.The split will be tough for your DS, but he will find a new normal and be much more settled. Life with an addict is awful for everyone involved.

Your DP can have contact with his son once he's in recovery. You leaving is the one thing you can do to help him by showing him there are consequences to the choices he makes.

However, my son has told me that he'd be devastated if we didn't all live together as he loves his Dad.
It's not down to your ds, you are the adult and it's your responsibility to make those hard decisions about whether you continue to live with his father. Of course he loves his father, but it doesn't mean that the situation is emotionally safe for him or good for his wellbeing. You need to be careful here not to put too much responsibility on your son or make him the adult here in any way.

Your partner is responsible for his own mental health and you cannot sacrifice your son's, nor your own mental health for him. Sometimes staying with an alcoholic is co-dependence and enabling.

You might find it helpful to engage with Al-Anon for yourself and your son.

As a child of an alcoholic and someone who is currently separating from an alcoholic id advise you to leave him ASAP

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Like so many posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic.

I would put you and your son first now by firming up plans to leave your alcoholic partner and asap. Your son as well as you need to be your number 1 priority now. You are not responsible for your partner's health and wellbeing here; he is self medicating his issues with alcohol but alcohol itself is a depressant. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped and remaining at all with him now is only enabling along with feeding into your issues of codependency.

Did you see alcoholism in your parents growing up too?.

You cannot as it is fully protect your son from his dad's alcoholism particularly whilst you are all living under the same roof. He is being profoundly affected by his father's alcoholism and already feels somewhat responsible for his dad so remaining with his dad will only further emotionally harm him. He is not the arbiter of your relationship with your partner, you are. You are the adult here and he is looking to you to provide him with good guidance. Look at NACOA's website to read further on how this affects children nacoa.org.uk/. Do not further sacrifice your wellbeing nor your son's on the altar of this man.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon to get support too.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It's awful. Best bet? Get your ducks in a row (quietly) and then separate. I left after trying everything to help him. For years. None of it worked as he didn't want to stop drinking.

My DS (not his son) saw/heard more than he should have (ex used to get very verbal and occasionally physical towards objects/once towards me). My DD was (hopefully) too young to remember much. The change in atmosphere in our house was marked from the moment he left/we split. The kids are so much more settled, our house is peaceful and calm. We're not scared anymore.

He does see the kids, and the set up is that he comes to see them at my place (so it's supervised), but this works well for the kids and for me. Of course, this may not work for others. He knows he cannot come over if he's been drinking. So, ok, he may not be living with us (and we may not be a couple) anymore....but when he does see the kids, it's actually better quality time.

Only thing I'd change? Knowing what I know now, I wish I got out sooner.

Please leave

Does he realise how serious you think his drinking has become? Is he still under the impression that his drinking has no effect on the way he behaves?

You're at the start of a very dark experience. My father was a drunk. I saw him progress from a happy drunk to a violet, nasty person. He was nice as pie when sober but one drink and he turned into this horrible, horrible person. At the age of 12 he stabbed me with a pair of scissors. I had to call the police on him many times for protection.

If I were you I'd sit him down as say something like this:-

. I will not grow old with someone who drinks.
. Alcohol destroys families and I won't let that happen to mine.
. Both my Son and I hate it when you get drunk.
. Unless you stop drinking completely NOW then our marriage is over.
. You need to prove to me that your family is more important than your booze.
. I need to you go to AA.

Give him one fair chance to change. But you need to leave him in no doubt that if he values his drink more than you, then it's over.

Its already over. Unfortunately the only person who can decide for himself whether he wants help is him and OP writes that he is showing no indication of wanting to address his alcoholism.

Save your own self and son OP; firm up all plans to leave and leave asap.

Thanks so much for all of these comments and suggestions. I really appreciate it. This has confirmed for me that the situation has to change. He gets one chance to seriously change his ways otherwise I start the process of leaving. In any case, I will get my ducks in a row so that it is as easy as possible to leave if the time comes.

Look up Alanon and alateen but they are for children 12 to 17.
I too grew up with an alcoholic abusive father and he caused untold damage.
Look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - you will find the traits of adult children from these families.
Your husband is not your sons responsibility - this is one of the traits - having an over developed sense of responsibility - your son is a child and should be acting as such.
I trust you protect your son as much as you can.
You cannot control your husbands drinking, you didn’t cause it and you can’t change him.
I’m sorry your going through this. 💐