Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think this is the worst thing ever (Being slightly dramatic)

14 replies

Excilente · 31/03/2021 20:58

Finding someone, having a real attraction/connection.. but not being with them because you're both adults, and both know neither of you are what the other need/want and you don't share the same relationship goals... and getting involved will mean someone's going to get their heart broken in the future... so deciding to save the friendship you already have by mutually agreeing not to be a 'thing'

think my heart is breaking any way.. but.. better a small ache now than feeling like you've wasted 2 years of someones life later.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2021 20:59

FlowersCakeWine

Fraggle40 · 31/03/2021 22:15

Yh that's sad Flowers

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 13:05

Excilente that's very sad, and almost the definition of romantic. I am a softie so yes it brought tears to my eyes!! : ) (no really) (yes I'm that daft)

It does indeed feel like the worst thing in the world (agree being a bit dramatic but ... feelings are dramatic!).

I'm not even sure if it's always that sensible. Because there can and very likely will come a time in the future when you'll regret not having had that colour in your life. It's a pity if a place for it can't be found.?

But then again, disruption to the rest of your life isn't worth the risk.

I think that in a true connection, anyhow, it's like you see and feel and live your whole lives together in a matter of moments. You have a glimpse through that door and if you really are in synch, you know what kind of heaven that would be ... not to have to explain yourself, not to have to excuse yourself, to start from the same footprint and just take each other further and higher and happier than you would go on your own.

When you meet someone like that, or they find you, it's so easy it's almost funny. It's a delight. And you reflect that yes, bloody hell, all that time you'd been feeling a bit disconsolate and dissatisfied and sad and like why is this so hard with him/her/whoever in the past, was because you were right all along ... it absolutely is possible for it not to be that hard, or that uncomfortable. It is possible to click with someone such that every conversation feels like live choreography between the two of you, because you're just on the same page, naturally.

And yes, deciding that it's better to let that go and not give it oxygen is very sad. Crikey I can taste those salty tears again now so better be quiet! : D

Just a thought, though: if two hearts are getting broken anyhow, maybe worth delaying it until after the two years of bliss? ...

Ilovetheseventies · 01/04/2021 13:18

What do you mean by not sharing the same relationship goals?
If for example you want more and they don't you are not really losing much and if they are wanting to just be friends or say so then perhaps it's their way of politely not getting involved because it's not right for them ie using it as an excuse I'm not saying that's the case it maybe you who doesn't want to commit.

Freyaismyname · 01/04/2021 13:28

Same boat at the moment ThanksWine

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 01/04/2021 13:53

If it's a case that one of you wants marriage/kids but the other just wants a casual fling - then no point continuing hoping one of you will change their mind. Yep it's sad. Was one of you not honest at the outset?

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 14:01

Maybe one is already attached and the other isn't.

Different relationship goals - one can't ever give everything, but knows the other deserves it. So they deny the connection, for everyone's sake.

? Hard. But not as hard as the alternatives. Probably.

Is there not another option, Excilente? Controlled friendship? I suppose the worry is that one or other would be in so deep, it would prevent them from noticing anyone else.?

Linger123345 · 01/04/2021 14:06

Please share what you mean by not sharing the same goals. We can offer better advice if we know the full picture.
Have you been seeing this person?

Feelings for people dont happen all of the time, so it will be a shame to waste it!

Excilente · 01/04/2021 16:01

basically i'm a domestic abuse survivor, divorced, teenage kids. NO interest whatsoever in getting married again, and it will be long long time before i will ever live with a guy again.. my trust is very broken in that sense.

Just.. i do want a relationship, but i need someone who is happy with long term dating if you like.

He's never married and still wants to do the whole marriage/living together thing.. and i can't promise him that.

we had an in depth conversation yesterday and admitted there are feelings there, very deep feelings, but when we both want different things out of a relationship long term, its not worth risking the close friendship we have (he's one of my best mates) by spoiling it.

OP posts:
Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 17:05

Aw Excilente very sorry that you've had such a bad time of it. It's great you have this connection with a close friend, but yes if he wants to share his life with you and you don't think you'll ever want that, very hard.

I suppose I'd have two main thoughts, and please forgive me as you may already have thought this. M

One is that I'm saying now you will never share your life, you might need to allow for the possibility that as you recover from the abuse, you will start to feel more able to trust again. I'm talking probably years here. It can easily take years to recover, really.

The other thought is that you know this guy so very well, and presumably have for some time. So no nasty surprises.

If you really are so well-matched, then I'd at least give it six months.

To try it out. And have fun trying.

What you actually need is to have carefree fun, I think. That is something that just never happens in an abusive home. And it's actually very therapeutic. You need to remember how to be properly happy.

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 17:35

PS another two thoughts ...

  1. Don't let the car crash that was the abuse stop you living freely forever. It's dominated enough years I imagine. So consider not letting the fallout from it affect what might be just the right relationship for you.
  1. If you're anxious about trusting an old friend, think how you're going to feel about a brand new person. ... Being with your old friend has a very big advantage in this respect.
  1. Unless you want no relationship. That might be where you are. You might need to stay there for some time, to catch your breath.

But on the other hand, the love and understanding and just pleasure that could come from the relationship with the old friend might help you heal much quicker.

Conclusion:
I'd just be a bit wary of dispensing with what looks like the perfect chance to be happy, because you haven't quite healed yet from what some bastard did. I don't think I'd have him restricting my choices any longer. And making me lose someone I adore. I'd keep an open mind about marriage and I'd just see where this goes.

relaxingforme · 01/04/2021 18:21

I would second pp.
You will move through the motions and emotions.
Tell him commitments do not need rushed.. a long engagement?

Excilente · 04/04/2021 11:49

Thanks.. we've talked some more and its.. a bit more complicated it seems, he'd opened up a bit more about why he's not wanting to 'try' with me.

We did briefly have a 'thing' last year, a very physical one, He was interested long before, but i wasn't ready, then jan last year i made a move on him.

Obviously Covid cut things short, but when we were able to see each other, it was still very much an active attraction... but i was very reticent to 'name' what was going on as we were so restricted between lockdowns and tiers...etc

During the November lockdown and local Tier restrictions, it stopped us being able to see each other indoors, and just before christmas we mutually decided to call it a day, and then after lockdown ended this time, we'd see if anything was still there.

We pretty much hadn't seen each other for 5 months, and well.. yeah Its still there, but someone else has come onto his radar, and they're more able to give him what he wants from life than i can.

He 'needs' to see where that will go, although i think he's an idiot, this other person is still in a relationship that sounds similar to how mine was.. and i know how messed up i still am 4 years down the line, so i think they've got their claws into him as some kind of saviour..

I'm just.. going to enjoy his friendship and get on with my life, i'm not waiting around on the off-chance this other person ends up leaving him hanging and nothing comes of it... i don't have time for that shit, i really don't.

OP posts:
GoddessKali · 04/04/2021 12:00

I’m very close to both my previous exes.
I adore and love the last man I was with. We lived together and I carried his baby until 11 weeks when I miscarried. I’d do anything for him, but know we can’t be together.
I want children and he doesn’t. I want marriage and he’s not long out of a 20+ yrs marriage and wants freedom and to roam.
So for now we still communicate lots (we’re in different countries) and neither of us have moved on yet. But there will come a time when we do.

This is the best way, how you’re doing it. Neither has to attack or harm the other one to break up and not be together. Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page