Dealing with small children's feelings about marriage breakdown

[AMalTiempoBuenaCara]

Hello, bit of a name change so as not to link back to previous posts as it may be outing.

Just in need of a bit of advice and place to vent. I have no friends or family who have been in my situation. Everyone is happily married basically.

My exH had an emotional affair with a colleague and left me for her, for ease I will call them Bob and Sue. We divorced about a year ago and have 2 small children (6&4). The children have met Sue and her children and she has recently started staying over, either with her kids or without.

It has all been very amicable really, but I am going through a tricky phase with the kids and just needed some advice and moral support. So the issues;

6 year old hates the fact that Bob and Sue are in love. She quite likes Sue as a person, but feels this overwhelming sense that Bob should still love me. She is clearly worrying about it (we have got to a point where she tells me she has butterflies if something is bothering her, then we try and figure out what it is. This normally happens at bedtime, but increasingly so in the day too)

My line is that Bob and Sue are happy and we can't change how people feel about each other. And that it is good that Bob is happy. I have never once said I wish Bob still loved me as we agreed the kids wouldn't know the messy details. I have tried to explain that i don't want her to feel responsible for mine and Bob's feelings, but that it is ok to feel weird and sad and to tell me etc.

The 4 year old basically has no filter and constantly asks when she is next going to see Bob and shows immense disappointment if it is not that day. when she got back from 2 days with him, she was going on about wanting to see Sue again too. This feels immensely upsetting and hurtful, but I know she is only 4 and always has a fun time with them. I find that my only strategy here is to not respond.

So, sorry that was long. I assume this is a normal phase and it will pass, but if anyone has any strategies or tips of things to say they would be most welcome.

I am just finding it so emotionally draining being neutral/positive about their relationship, when really I would rather not talk about it at all!

Bumping hopefully someone with experience can help op. I might be wrong here but try and see it as a positive your 4 year old likes going there and is having a nice time, its better that than them hating to go and have you worried. Your LOs love you remember that

I understand your desire to protect your kids, but why are you hiding your feelings so much from them? Kids are very perceptive and they’ll know your true feelings - all you are really doing is teaching them to hide their own. I think I’d say something more along the lines of, ‘I wish it had worked out with daddy too, but sometimes things don’t work out and in the long term we’ll all be happier’.
The 4 year old- id probably focus on making yourself feel more secure - she’s doing nothing wrong and it’s good she likes Sue. When the 4 year old talks about Sue just keep them say it then talk excitedly about what you’re going to do together and how much you love her. Sue will never replace you in the kids eyes - you’re their mum.

It's hard to manage your DCs' hurt and confusion as well as your own. For me, it's 6 years on from when exH and I separated when our DC were 2 and 5. It's early days for you - my advice is to invest in some decent counseling for yourself so that you're in a better position to manage the inevitable questions and thoughtless comments/wishes. One thing I learned was that the DC are drawing on your emotional reserves because they feel safe to do so. That's ace parenting so you're doing a good job but it's tough and you need the emotional resilience to draw on.

My DD frequently told me last year that she was going to live with daddy and that her step mum is her best mum. How can that not hurt? Especially when I'm the one doing all the crappy, boring, hard, expensive parts of parenting while her dad lives 200 miles away and turns up for fun times. She was so little when her dad left that she doesn't remember how awful it was when he was here and has an unrealistic dream picture of what it was like. She's stopped that now but I'm sure there will be another round coming up!

I think you are talking to your kids well about this. With the exception that you should respond rather than just leave a blank. Even if you don’t want to talk about it, a four year old won’t really understand why you answer some questions but not others.

But anyway, my suggestion is that you get some emotional support for you. Sounds like you have some emotional processing to do. You need some help coming to terms with this and also just an outlet, talking to someone who is not invested in the situation.

A counsellor or therapist to whom you can talk freely about how you feel, so you have the emotional space to be able to talk to your kids about their feelings and respond to their conversations without distress.

@Jesskir89 thanks for the bump. You are right it's good they don't hate her!

@Mumbot345635 I think I have said something along those lines at some point, but I may try and weave that it. I do try and talk about my feelings with the 6yo but like I said, she takes it all on and I don't want her to feel a responsibility to make me happy or for her loyalties to be tested.

@BlowDryRat that sounds like a really difficult thing to hear and very much reflects my own insecurities that one day they will turn around and tell me they want to live with daddy (it's 60:40 ish at the moment with me). I have had some counselling previously very early on and tried again around Christmas but have struggled to find a good fit. Plus at £50 a session it's not easy money to come by if I'm honest.

@ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel I will rephrase what I said about just not responding. I more often just say 'oh that's nice, you obviously had a nice time with Bob and Sue this weekend' and them quickly change the subject. But she is at an age where she goes on and on. She hasn't ever shown any emotion towards the spilt or asked any questions. She was 3 when it happened though so maybe just too young.

Thanks for your messages. I was awake last night and was mulling it all over.
I think I will explore some further counselling (perhaps through work as there is provision). I think I want to be seen as coping, which day to day I am. But I probably am pushing a lot down. I still have a sense of humiliation and wonder what people must think for my husband to leave me for someone else after a relatively short marriage.

There is an awful lot of putting on a front, but I perhaps shouldn't be as afraid to express my feelings a bit more. It's so hard as I want the best for my children and want to make the best out of a crappy situation

Its your exh who should feel embarrassed op not you. You're a strong woman who stood by your family and continue to do so