Will I ever want to share my home.

[wishing4sun]

It's a long story so will try and keep it short as possible.
I've never lived with a partner I'm 40 it's always just been me and my DS 19.
I've been with my partner 2.5 years and he has been staying with me through lockdown, l like having him here but he wants to change everything and some of it I'm excited about but other things i just want to keep the way they are.
I like my own space and the way I do things and organise my home is just that how I like it and how I have done it since I moved out of home at 17. It frustrates me as I can see I'm being silly about things sometimes, just an example by
Where I keep my colander he keeps putting in the wrong cupboard and it makes my blood boil...I know this is unreasonable as actually where he puts it makes more sense.

Will this ever change ?

Why are you continuing to do something you aren't comfortable with? If something as small as the colander incident is doing your nut in already, then it's likely that you need to live separately.

Things arent going to change..well, unless you start saying no..which is not fair on him because he should have a say where he lives.

It might also be that your severe reactions to him changing things is your gut telling you that you really dont want THIS person in your space.

I'd say move him back out. Theres nothing to say you need to live with someone you are dating.

If you don't want to live together, you don't have to. It's quite nice not to and just see each other.

Also, if he wants to change things for changes sake or to put his stamp on everything, you don't have to go along with it.

He's being quite rude if this is supposed to be temporary lockdown living together and you haven't actually committed to live together permanently. He should be putting things back where you like them in your own home while it's is your home.

I like him being here 90% off the time and really appreciate the things he is doing that I just haven't got Round too or don't know how, but I am pretty practical and actually enjoy doing things by myself sense of achievement.
Should I expect to want him here 100% off the time. I just don't know it's all new to me which sounds ridiculous at 40.

You have to decide whether the benefits of living with him outweigh the negatives. Living with somebody else is always a compromise, and there will also absolutely be things you do which he finds irritating or pointless. Living in somebody else’s house is a nightmare, because you have to bite your tongue about things and put up with being told you’re doing everything WRONG. It’s often easier when the space is neutral and belongs to both of you.

But, there’s nothing to say that you have to live together when you’re in a relationship, particularly when you aren’t planning to have children together. It’s fine to tell him that you’re set in your ways and don’t want to change it. He can then decide whether that’s a dealbreaker or not.

It is very annoying of his to change where things are kept in your home without discussion and normal for you to sometimes want your own space. I do and have been married for 13 years
You need a frank discussion and agree if things are going to change. It might be that you agree to change where the colander lives for example.
If you are unwilling to give him any say in things then he should not move in and I suspect you would never be willing to accept a live in partner.

If you're not capable of compromise, don't live together. And for what it's worth, I don't think you should have to compromise if you aren't comfortable with it. If you want your home the way you want it, that's ok, but don't subject someone else to your tyranny. I mean that lightheartedly, BTW.

It probably is a bit of a tyranny I doubt I'm easy to live with, I have broached the not living together thing but only in a joking way maybe I should man up and approach it seriously.

To be fair, a national lockdown is a bit of a baptism of fire for starting living together, even happy established couples have struggled.

There's nothing wrong with living separately if it works for you, there are no rules. Or maybe it needs more time under normal circumstances, some ground rules and an agreement to allow each other space.

Well it sounds like it's not working, for you at least, so something needs to change. Presumably that is him moving back out. How does he feel about it all? Have you talked about it? I can imagine that he might be feeling fairly uncomfortable about it too, really.

Honestly, it does sound a bit uptight to me, getting annoyed about kitchen things going in the wrong cupboard. Is he doing it deliberately to wind you up, or just absent-mindedly?

Would things improve if you had a new joint home? He's moved into your sanctuary, which I can understand must feel strange and uncomfortable at times, but perhaps it would be better if you jointly had the excitement of a new place, and an opportunity to plan together.

have broached the not living together thing but only in a joking way maybe I should man up and approach it seriously.

Yes, definitely. It’s your house-you can live alone for the rest of your life if you’d like-it’s your house and your rules. I wouldn’t want anyone living in my house that really pissed me off.

What else is he doing other than the colander? What is he trying to change?

If him putting the colander in the wrong place upsets you then you need to live separately. You have been the sole ruler of your domain for too long to change now. It's great for a while then all of a sudden everything they do gives you the rage. Talking from experience here and won't be repeating it.

You have to realise that it is perfectly ok to be in a committed relationship but not live with each other. It can be fine and very healthy . Sounds like it is an arrangement that would suit you.

Why do you have to live together? In the first place this whole living together thing (unless married) is a relatively very recent phenomenon here and in many many countries is still not the norm. It's not abnormal in your circumstances to not want to live together.

@Chamomileteaplease

You have to realise that it is perfectly ok to be in a committed relationship but not live with each other. It can be fine and very healthy . Sounds like it is an arrangement that would suit you.

Exactly, every relationship is different. The only thing is maybe he wants to eventually live with his partner full time. Have you spoken to him about it at all?

All the time home alone over the past year has taught me I never want to live with anyone. That’s fine! I don’t have a partner and can appreciate things might be difficult if I met someone I liked, but I have realised that having my own space is a top priority for me. I think you need to speak to your partner and be honest with him, I guess it might be hard for him to understand but you can’t manage like this long term!

If putting a colander in the wrong place pisses you off then imagine what it will be like when there's a man in YOUR home snoring, farting, stinking of sweat, leaving stinky shits in the toilet, picking his toes, eating YOUR food and hogging the remote.
Whenever I have started a relationship I have made it very clear there will be no living together, 'MY property, MY money, I am not sharing any of it with you' if they don't like it they can fuck off, it weeds out the cocklodgers.

Living together might not be good for your relationship. I know a couple who are in their 50s, together 20 years and live separately (no DC). It seems to work for them.

What are your reasons for wanting to live together permanently?

Lots of people choose to live alone and still have very good, strong long-term relationships. If a situation is making you feel uncomfortable then it’s not right for you and you need to listen to your gut.

Many women are much better off living on their own, tbh, and I’d definitely do it were I ever to be in the sad situation that my DH was no longer with me.

Thank you all.
Food For thought, I Know he would Like us to live together but also don't think he would be closed to the idea of us not.

He is actually working away for a
Couple of days and having some space and some time alone has made me think about this a lot more. I Miss him but know I'm going to see him soon and to me that's a nice feeling when his here all the time there isn't the missing him part.

So why do you want to live him? I really am a strong advocate of the 'living together apart' thing but I have to constantly explain to people that this is it, not a step on the way to cohabiting or marriage. If its just what you think you 'should' be doing or wanting then try to step back a little and work out the pros and cons. Other than sharing bills, I can see very few pros personally. Dp and I see each other when we want to, not by default, we make our time together count for the most part. If we want to slob and watch shit TV we do it in our own places.